Sure, the Sneer Campaign is the Sun and the Moon, but did you know that we are also all the stars in the sky? Of course you knew! It’s written in your heart. And now it is also written in this soon to be award-winning content which you are now reading in your eyes. Next time you are trapped outdoors just turn your eyes to the skies. If it’s not too cloudy out, we’ll help you find some legendary and practically unknown constellations up there. Find a nice grassy spot with few trees, so you can look right up, and follow our guide.
Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald was born on July 24, 1900, and was the original quintessential irrepressible flapper of the times. Her life was a tumultuous roller coaster of good times and high drama, sailing high, young and beautiful, and then crashing into an insane asylum that burned to the ground with her still inside when she was about forty seven years old.
Not only did she inspire F. Scott Fitzgerald’s entire literary career, she was also the inspiration for a video game series I have never played: the Legend of Zelda. I can only imagine that it revolves around F. Scott Linkgerald wandering around a warped and terrifying fantasyland, trying to locate the eight pieces of her sanity, which she smashed to pieces due to some prophesy or something. There are villains who also resemble F. Scott and a lot of confusing social situations involving elixirs of booze and bathtub gin.
I have drawn Princess Zelda in honor of all of this.
starring: Charles Chaplin
Xenodochial: (adj.) hospitable; kindly to strangers
On January 9, 1859, a remarkable baby was born. Well. It was probably a fairly normal baby, but then it grew into being a remarkable and bold lady. Carrie Chapman Catt founded the League of Women Voters and International Alliance of Women. She knew what was right, and knew what was stupid, and was unafraid to let it be known that she knew. By all accounts, Ms. Catt was intelligent, strong, and self-confident, and refused to follow conventions that seemed ridiculous to her. This means that she is an ideal model of a woman – of a human being of any gender – and we should all look up to her. And we should all print out this free coloring page and color it.
This bestie of Susan B. Anthony was great at organization and had grand ideals concerning dignity, world peace, and things of that nature. The League of Women Voters still exists and we will probably join, or at least support their endeavors in some ways – like letting you know about it and by giving you coloring pages. It would appear that we do not have the organizational abilities of this woman, our newest hero. Our newest role model. Color!
Though I have been personally asked to speak on golf legend Arnold Palmer, it may come as a shock that I know very little of his golf career. He won a lot of trophies and green jackets and the other things they give away to people that win big golf gatherings. Essentially, in the world of golf, he was pretty good.
I would come to know this man by other means. As a child one of my favorite games (and still an occasional one I play) was Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf on the Sega Genesis. This is where I first encountered this man. He graced the cover and even had a big ol’ sorta-likeness in the game. I would learn years later this was a pre-existing golf game overseas that just got a U.S. big-name golfer tacked on, but in my mind this was and always will be HIS golf game. I’m serious, even in the face of countless evidence that says otherwise, I’m basically giving him full credit for every aspect of this game.
In the year 1776, as chaos and tyranny swirled around the vulnerable human race, there formed a perfect union of superheroes intent on establishing Justice, insuring domestic Tranquility, providing common Defense, promoting the general Welfare, and securing the Blessings of Lady Liberty herself for all time. It became necessary for this mighty team to band together for the greater good of all, using their superior station which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitled them.
In present times, they believe firmly that all humans are created equal, and that we humans are endowed by our Mere Existence with certain unalienable rights. Among these are “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” Whenever our heroes encounter anything destructive of these ends, it is Beholden of the League to alter or abolish it. No longer should any Freedom-Loving Citizen be subject to long eras of abuse or Despotism. It is our right, it is our duty, to throw off the shackles of oppression and beseech our Guards to intervene.
Let our League now be submitted to a candid world.
Oh, would that I could be a nurse at the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. How do the rest manage to roll their eyes at you and walk away? How do they just giggle and turn to their friends, unimpressed? I couldn’t possibly! One look my way and I’d be ready to get that whitefish in New Jersey with you, the meal you dreamt of.
starring Dorothy Parker
Persiflage: (n.) light and contemptuous mockery or banter
I’ve probably just concluded a record amount of backspacing and deleting in a single document as far as my writing career goes. It was brought up that I was more than welcomed, and in fact encouraged, to write up a few or as many words as I wanted on the subject of the passing of “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. Yes, this is an article that involves a professional wrestler, and if that fact has caused you to scoff, roll your eyes, or do that annoying heavy sniff that people do, then I offer my sincere apologies. It’s very unfortunate that an accident or birth defect caused your head to be firmly planted so deeply into your ass. This is a write-up about a pro “wrassler,” but it’s also about a legend, a hero, and by all accounts an all around good man.
Now I said I had a lot typed up that I deleted, and that’s true. I purposefully waited a bit after the news broke to write anything on this subject, as I wanted to let it all sink in and approach the writing process with a calm head and at least my usual half-assed sort of organization. There have been a lot of matter-of-fact, respectful-yet-emotionless pieces written on Big Dust, and the more I read my “calm, cool-headed” draft, the more I realized I was writing just another fluff piece. While not disparaging in any way, it failed to express my true feelings over this legend and over our tremendous loss. So whatever follows after this sentence is simply one man spewing forth whatever comes to his mind as rapidly as it can possibly be expressed, without a care for whether or not it really makes any sense at all. In other words this is in a fashion befitting Dusty, a man who never experienced a moment of second guessing if something he said made any earthly sense.
starring Myrna Loy and William Powell
Dipsomania: (n.) an irresistible, typically periodic craving for alcoholic drink