I am not a person who is given to complaint — don’t believe anything you might hear from the rumor mill! Vicious lies. In my daily living, I am not about to complain about regular human error. Mostly I am thinking that if I am served the wrong food, because I don’t have any outrageous food allergies or restrictions, I will just eat it because I would rather not waste food. And I guess I would rather not make a big fuss over it. Although I just realized that they probably would let me eat for free so maybe next time, if it ever happens again, I will say something! Witness my character growth in the very first paragraph in real time.

me a lot

However, the point of this article is to tell you the story of this one time when I felt WRONGED. I was misled by packaging. So I went after the Kroger corporation in the only way I could figure out that didn’t involve speaking on the phone or to anyone’s face. I wrote an angry letter, just like an old person.

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Dear Mike Myers,

I always thought you seemed like a pretty nice guy. Sure, you ARE a comedian, and that means you run a high risk of actually being a truly terrible human being and any day now a massive scandal might erupt, tarnishing your name for the rest of time. But for now, right now, and until further notice, I have always thought of you as a swell guy. I think you are a good person.

real

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Note: This was written while Prudence was Emily Yoffe, a wonderful and amazing columnist. We love the others too, but we wanted you to know that this was for her.

Dear Prudence,

Where do I start? I am a longtime reader. I know that there was a Prudence before you, and while I do love advice columns in general, your answers are the ones I love. I can’t get enough of reading your column. You give advice the way it should be given.

I read through your column all day long at work. Don’t worry, I finish all my work too, but I read your answers in between answering customer questions. It’s fascinating and I often find myself 4 years back in the archives, looking for posts I haven’t read yet.

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What I’m about to say is going to sound improbable, impossible, and/or downright insane. In fact, you and everyone reading will likely think that I am a liar, but I assure you: this is the truth. Robbie Williams, I did not know who you were until the year 2015 — that’s right! This very year we are in right now.

Strangely enough, I became aware of you while watching a documentary with my friend Alex (an English person), by Stephen Fry (also an English person) about Manic Depression. You were in a segment and Alex was surprised and delighted to see you. And I was like, “who is this guy? Why are they showing clips of him performing in front of tens of thousands of apparent fans?” Alex was incredulous, but we decided that maybe you were a piece of English Culture that didn’t catch on here.

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