It’s that time of year again, of course, as you’ve seen in candy aisles, pop-up costume shops, and our double-week of Halloween content. Once again it’s time to think of new ideas for Halloween. New costume, new decorations, new scary movies, new parties, and new pumpkin carvings. Let us help you out with the last one so that you can focus on the rest.

Like your costume, your jack-o-lantern should be hip, modern, and a little bit sassy. And since you want it to be unique too, here are the ideas that we don’t want to use.

 

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As funny as death is, it also has a serious side. It isn’t ONLY fun and games; you owe it to yourself and others to plan for it and treat it as the solemn event that it deserves. I can think of nothing worse than to find out that you do leave a ghost, and that ghost is embarrassed by a lackluster death and shortly-after events. Eternal damnation has many faces.

Many questions arise when one is faced with the great beyond. Where will I be buried? Will my no-good wife and ingrate children have enough money to squander on shit? Will I die while masturbating? As an expert, I will provide you with a few responsible steps to consider when preparing for death.

dr deathtopus

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As the reader may observe, many people have collections. Some folks collect animal figurines or dolls. Model trains are popular. Geeks galore (myself included) collect comic books. Even crazy things can be collected, like classic cars or human bones! I have begun to notice recently that I have a unique collection: introverts. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. I am unintentionally a collector of introverted individuals. How is this possible? I don’t know! It is a mystery for the ages, or maybe just me at age 35.

portrait of the author

 

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Too often I find myself searching for a cult to join and finding only religious ones, or creepy death cults, or what could turn out to be a highly illegal sex cult. Much like shopping for trouser-pants, it’s so hard to find a perfect fit! But what is a cult? Why, it’s anything you want it to be, baybee, and therein lies the appeal.

You hear about cults a lot in the news, from time to time, and it’s everyone’s dream to be on the front page at some point. Stop waiting for Fate to strike, and instead take Destiny into your own hands. Attract people to you, make them chant and obey you, dress them however you like, and pick a snazzy name. It’s as easy as that! Enjoy the thrills of having a mass of people flock to you and believe you to be the answer to all of life’s troubles. Who needs a significant other when you can have a modest assemblage of worshipers?

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Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to get you and another a sense of relief and satisfaction and — dare we say it? Miraculous and immediate cures. We will, ourselves, be testing each and every one of these out on Daniel Haun, who is still battling his monster of an ailment to varying degrees in various ways.

get well forever

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and sentiments.

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Get a haircut, ya dang hippie! Really though. Hair keeps growing every single day and it doesn’t even stop after you’re dead, according to popular trivia that might or might not be true. While Amandoll keeps her hair short because she can’t stand the touch of loose hair on her neck, I sometimes can go months, years without bothering. I’m not growing it out for a wig or anything, I just have better things to do.

Every once in a while, however, I reach a point where it’s just gotta go. Or I suddenly have hair motivation and am able to get to a pair of scissors before it fades away again and I become distracted by all of the more interesting things in life, which is apparently almost everything else. I’m even writing this article instead of getting the haircut that I need! Oh well!

hair

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We have previously provided some detailed voodoo spell instructions for securing your love. But maybe you want more than love? It is 2017 after all, and love is dumb and we’re pretty sure it was made up by the brothers Grimm. Having a partner is so 2014, and there are more important considerations, such as money or your video games.

Voodoo Dollissa

Gather the necessary materials, put on a stern smirk, and find a quiet, empty room. We recommend doing these fake spells on an altar cloth of some sort. Personally, I use my favorite pillowcase. It’s very cute. Just as before, you’ll have to update your witchery to the modern era for these spells, so get out your smartphone and your social media accounts, your sage, and let’s get down and dirty.

 

 

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I talk about my sister often on Sneer Campaign. She’s pretty great! And if you memorize every word we say, you’ll remember that she’s a veterinarian and has two beautiful, big-headed, cuddly pit bulls. If you didn’t know, pit bull is pretty much an umbrella term, often also referred to as “bully breeds” and carries a lot of weight with it. (The weight is mostly in their giant silly heads.)

Tembo and Laika are two of the best dogs that anyone could hope for. Both were rescued and adopted into my sister’s loving, happy home. They’re as close as my sister and I were as kids. We still are, but maybe not as adorably.

woof

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hennn

I may idealize chickens. My grandparents had some when I was very young, and I have no negative memories associated with that time and apparently that’s all it takes for me to form an opinion that will never, ever change. But I can’t be wrong about this because clearly, all chickens are wonderful.

Now that we have the Sneer HQ, there has been talk of maybe getting a few hens for the back yard. They could help us garden, I assume, and provide us with breakfast supplies. At the very least, there is a nearby park and community garden that has chickens on the premises, so I can visit them and listen to their inquisitive clucking as they ask who I am and why I am not throwing feed their way.Continue reading

People often ask me “why did you do that to your walls did you ask for permission?” It’s a loaded question, so I choose my own way to answer. I ARTED it, and my landlord doesn’t care, although I did not ask her first. So here is the story for y’all.

Years ago I requested a series of murals from Amandoll on my apartment walls. I didn’t ask for a set all at once, or for something reasonable. I frequently changed my mind and frequently let her know. Pokémon, Muppet Babies… I wanted it all. But I also felt a strange sense of ownership; I wanted to do it myself.

Of course, I can’t draw very well. The evidence is clear, although I have been improving, by all accounts.

The O.C. on Dollissa's Wall

 

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