Normally I make a point of it to not cover ground that has already been covered to death. I just don’t mess with it. I know many of you are saying, “But the internet has a million seduction guides up already.” That much is true. They are all well and good, or not so good, and could probably net you a person of average ability, appearance, and expectation, if they are among the better variety. Fine if you are into that kind of thing. Personally, I’m not much for child’s play. So while the other guides might get you some ass, I’m here to get you some class.

Now I’m not giving you ALL of my secrets here. It isn’t fair to the women of the world for me to unleash an army of men they have no ability to resist. Sorry guys, you ain’t leaving with a full stomach, but I ain’t so mean that I’m not going to throw you some scraps. These tips will help you get a leg up, possibly a second leg up, but it is up to you as to whether or not you get that third leg up. As for the rest of you with the manly gender as a target, I am sure these same suggestions can work for you. Hell, any human being of any orientation seeking any other being can probably use this guide just fine. However, I can only really speak for my own self − and I have no complaints.

get it get it

 

Continue reading

You can feel it in the air, can’t you? The tension. The nervousness. The sheer pinkness of it, reaching for you. Yes, another Valentine’s day has come for us poor wretches.

really really real

VD is a complete train wreck of a holiday. It seeks to make us insecure about ourselves, our significant others, and the validity of our own emotions. This is, in part, because love is a nebulous and confusing thing. Everyone wants it, but few people ever really get it, because no one has any idea what they’re looking for. What do you think of when you think of “love?” Several images probably flashed through your mind; many of them no doubt scenes from romantic movies. And if any of those scenes involved Meg Ryan, just go kill yourself now and spare yourself some bitter disappointment.

 

Continue reading

Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to earn you some affection and, dare we say it? Truluv.

say you love me

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and romance.

 

Continue reading

There are many ways that the natural world can affect and inspire us. My favorite way is through analogy. Thanks, earth. So, if you’re lucky, your friends are a beautiful and sweet-smelling garden of unique and interesting blooms. If you’re lucky, they complement each other’s features and aid each other’s problems. If you’re lucky…

But you’ve got to tend to them and make sure they grow, along with you, as well as they can. You have to make sure they are pruned, watered, fertilized, metaphorically.

Whether you prefer messy, natural looking friendships where you basically scatter everyone around and they flourish as they may. You might choose instead to keep everyone in neat little rows, labeled and organized. Me, I prefer container gardens: everyone kept separate, able to be moved around easily, and doubling as a form of decoration. Friends can be beautiful to the eye, smell great, provide nourishment, and compost.

mah frands

 

Continue reading

Anyone who has enough money can jetset. And anyone who has the ability to save up for large expenses and has worked at their job long enough that they can have paid vacations can travel abroad can enjoy tourism in various places, for various reasons. And anyone who is like me can just pick up and stay with friends for weeks or months in any place where the friends live. I will tell you how!

get started

 

Continue reading

I know that you’re already thinking, “we get it Dollissa, you love tv,” BUT WAIT. I’m here to help.

When Netflix first came out, I was so excited. I thought, now I will see all of the movies I refused to see in theaters because movie theaters are cesspools of disgusting noises. In 1999 they launched their DVD subscription service, an amazing new approach to sitting at home. I had a master plan. The plan was that I would alphabetically go through every movie and watch them all, because being comprehensive is important.

It’s hard to imagine that ever would have been possible. If you remember browsing the Netflix DVD selections, it didn’t look too harrowing. There was a limited selection of movies, most of which you’d heard of. It was great, except for the fact that in 2 years of having the DVD subscription, I requested a single movie and did not watch it. Ravenous is really good though, you guys.

In 2007, they introduced their streaming service, and everything changed. Everything.

dollissas life

 

Continue reading

gift card

There are some who say that gift-giving is a dying art. There was a time once when gift selection was a thoughtful process of deciding upon a gift that reflects both the giver and its recipient, when the giver sought something that the recipient would want but would be unlikely to buy himself.

There was also a time when we lived in caves and drew stick figures on the walls.

Yes, now we live in what historians will one day call Modern Times, what with the cable TV and the “World Wide Internet” and the spray cheese and the downsizing and the Taco Bell and the one hit wonder and the female impersonators and the Lincoln Town Cars and the Wal-Marts and the African skin cults and the Bimini Road and the wild packs of Mole People from Far Ends of Time now roaming the earth. We don’t have time to give that much thought to others; we have a hair appointment at four o’clock!

 

Continue reading

TV is one of the greatest things ever brought to Earth by man. There are seemingly endless ways to watch and things to watch now. You can spend all day watching, all week watching. You can watch 11 seasons of a show in a row or you can spread it out over a lifetime. You can watch something new every day for at least a whole year.

Odds are though, that your roommate or significant other or whatever doesn’t actually want to watch TV all day with you, because they’re a sucker. But the internet has a solution to that: syncing (no, not your period). So open up that new tab and grab some internet friendos.

sync ur frandz

 

Continue reading

amanda wood masterpiece

Human babies are not pretty things. Ever. They dribble, goo, spit up, stink outrageously, and make ear-shattering screech-noises at all hours of the day. Their heads are enormous for their body sizes, and they don’t appear to have teeth or anything. They can’t even form words! Instead, they make nonsense gurgle sounds which, quite frankly, terrify me. Some babies don’t have any hair, and some unfortunate babies have far too much hair. Exceptionally ugly babies already have a unibrow. I have seen a few of them, mostly in photographs. I avoid babies as much as humanly possible, and yet, even I have been faced with the question, “Awww, isn’t he or she just the cutest thing?” Of course, it is not.

Now, I am the first to admit that I am not an expert on human infants. But I know enough to allow me to get along with my friends, relatives, or acquaintances who have decided not to terminate certain pregnancies. Lunatics though they may be, it is not my place to alienate them beyond my wildest dreams. Instead, probably because I’m a coward who doesn’t want anyone to be angry with me, I use my cunning skills of tact and deception to fool them. And when those techniques are also used in combination with the deft use of the subject change, a situation first thought to be a hopeless trainwreck will instead turn into a delightful conversation about how nice the kitchen would look if it were a lively peach color, or how we would benefit as a society if we all stopped drinking carbonated soda pops for several years, or even the possible ramifications one would experience from having made a robot that could think, act, and love just like a human. Or at least think, act, and love just like a human dog.

It is easy to see why new parents find cute in their own baby or, in the unholy event of twins or more, babies. If the baby or babies did not weave some sort of evil magical spell over their caregivers, the adults would smother them with a pillow by Day Two of the never-ending screaming, messing, eating, and screaming. Even if the parents outlasted my two day estimation, there would come a day when they would realize that that baby hadn’t stopped screaming, eating, and eliminating their foulness since birth, and it would not stop for many years yet. Eugh. I refuse to dwell any more on the horror of childbirth and human infancy, as it is making me feel too queasy. It isn’t really the new parents’ fault for shoving their baby in your face and asking you to validate whether or not it is cute. It reassures them and keeps them from some sort of soul-sucking depression and subsequent jail time. And I hear the fellas down at the state prison aren’t too friendly with baby killers. You don’t want your friends in jail, they are already paying for their birth decision enough with the actual baby itself. That is why I am here to help you out by giving you ten easy ways to avoid telling those unfortunate souls how ugly and horrible their baby actually is.

Continue reading

Whether you are lazy, forgot about Halloween, didn’t have time, or even just hate it, you may have missed your opportunity for a heavily planned out costume that matches your friends and/or lovers and will blow everyone’s mind. The time has passed. And we’re here to help.

These costumes cost nothing or very little. You may or may not have all of the pieces necessary already in your home. You can throw these together in just a few minutes with little preparation, and it’ll be just enough that your friends will shrug and say, “well at least you tried.”

So open up your closet and get some tape. It’s fucking Halloween. Special thanks to the Sneer Writers and Helpers featured below.

 

Continue reading