I was a Girl Scout when I was younger. In some ways, I’ll always be one! In other ways, why isn’t everyone? I still have my old Girl Scout badges, though I wouldn’t wear that vest around (it wouldn’t fit, mostly). I also still have my old book of how to earn each badge and sign. In the book it explains that the badges are also called recognitions, so when someone sees your badge, they recognize your accomplishments. As the book says, “Badges… show that you have done something so often and so well that you can teach it to someone.”
This week is Girl Scout Week. It falls the week of March 12, the anniversary of when Juliette Gordon Low held her first troop meeting. In honor of that, I propose we earn some Scouting for Women badges.
We love calendars of any and all kinds but nothing beats an old-fashioned, boxy wall calendar with photos related to one of your random interests or of hot men lovingly holding baby animals. Sometimes wall calendars with monthly images seem sort of archaic, like a bad gift your confused great-grandmother might give to you on someone else’s birthday. But you’d be hard-pressed to find something more useful for general planning than a wall calendar (or 3 or 7). Grab all the ones you can find, and some Sharpies of various colors, and let’s get planning.
Normally I make a point of it to not cover ground that has already been covered to death. I just don’t mess with it. I know many of you are saying, “But the internet has a million seduction guides up already.” That much is true. They are all well and good, or not so good, and could probably net you a person of average ability, appearance, and expectation, if they are among the better variety. Fine if you are into that kind of thing. Personally, I’m not much for child’s play. So while the other guides might get you some ass, I’m here to get you some class.
Now I’m not giving you ALL of my secrets here. It isn’t fair to the women of the world for me to unleash an army of men they have no ability to resist. Sorry guys, you ain’t leaving with a full stomach, but I ain’t so mean that I’m not going to throw you some scraps. These tips will help you get a leg up, possibly a second leg up, but it is up to you as to whether or not you get that third leg up. As for the rest of you with the manly gender as a target, I am sure these same suggestions can work for you. Hell, any human being of any orientation seeking any other being can probably use this guide just fine. However, I can only really speak for my own self − and I have no complaints.
You can feel it in the air, can’t you? The tension. The nervousness. The sheer pinkness of it, reaching for you. Yes, another Valentine’s day has come for us poor wretches.
VD is a complete train wreck of a holiday. It seeks to make us insecure about ourselves, our significant others, and the validity of our own emotions. This is, in part, because love is a nebulous and confusing thing. Everyone wants it, but few people ever really get it, because no one has any idea what they’re looking for. What do you think of when you think of “love?” Several images probably flashed through your mind; many of them no doubt scenes from romantic movies. And if any of those scenes involved Meg Ryan, just go kill yourself now and spare yourself some bitter disappointment.
Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to earn you some affection and, dare we say it? Truluv.
Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and romance.
There are many ways that the natural world can affect and inspire us. My favorite way is through analogy. Thanks, earth. So, if you’re lucky, your friends are a beautiful and sweet-smelling garden of unique and interesting blooms. If you’re lucky, they complement each other’s features and aid each other’s problems. If you’re lucky…
But you’ve got to tend to them and make sure they grow, along with you, as well as they can. You have to make sure they are pruned, watered, fertilized, metaphorically.
Whether you prefer messy, natural looking friendships where you basically scatter everyone around and they flourish as they may. You might choose instead to keep everyone in neat little rows, labeled and organized. Me, I prefer container gardens: everyone kept separate, able to be moved around easily, and doubling as a form of decoration. Friends can be beautiful to the eye, smell great, provide nourishment, and compost.
Anyone who has enough money can jetset. And anyone who has the ability to save up for large expenses and has worked at their job long enough that they can have paid vacations can travel abroad can enjoy tourism in various places, for various reasons. And anyone who is like me can just pick up and stay with friends for weeks or months in any place where the friends live. I will tell you how!
I know that you’re already thinking, “we get it Dollissa, you love tv,” BUT WAIT. I’m here to help.
When Netflix first came out, I was so excited. I thought, now I will see all of the movies I refused to see in theaters because movie theaters are cesspools of disgusting noises. In 1999 they launched their DVD subscription service, an amazing new approach to sitting at home. I had a master plan. The plan was that I would alphabetically go through every movie and watch them all, because being comprehensive is important.
It’s hard to imagine that ever would have been possible. If you remember browsing the Netflix DVD selections, it didn’t look too harrowing. There was a limited selection of movies, most of which you’d heard of. It was great, except for the fact that in 2 years of having the DVD subscription, I requested a single movie and did not watch it. Ravenous is really good though, you guys.
In 2007, they introduced their streaming service, and everything changed. Everything.
There are some who say that gift-giving is a dying art. There was a time once when gift selection was a thoughtful process of deciding upon a gift that reflects both the giver and its recipient, when the giver sought something that the recipient would want but would be unlikely to buy himself.
There was also a time when we lived in caves and drew stick figures on the walls.
Yes, now we live in what historians will one day call Modern Times, what with the cable TV and the “World Wide Internet” and the spray cheese and the downsizing and the Taco Bell and the one hit wonder and the female impersonators and the Lincoln Town Cars and the Wal-Marts and the African skin cults and the Bimini Road and the wild packs of Mole People from Far Ends of Time now roaming the earth. We don’t have time to give that much thought to others; we have a hair appointment at four o’clock!
TV is one of the greatest things ever brought to Earth by man. There are seemingly endless ways to watch and things to watch now. You can spend all day watching, all week watching. You can watch 11 seasons of a show in a row or you can spread it out over a lifetime. You can watch something new every day for at least a whole year.
Odds are though, that your roommate or significant other or whatever doesn’t actually want to watch TV all day with you, because they’re a sucker. But the internet has a solution to that: syncing (no, not your period). So open up that new tab and grab some internet friendos.