My spooky review of the iconic murder movie, Clue, fell apart due to the distraction of Yvette the Maid. So instead I’ll do a worthwhile public service announcement and tell you how to avoid a chocolatey deathtrap this Halloween. I won’t lie to you: you can get hurt while trick-or-treating and celebrating this satanic holiday of the damned in other vile ways. Given that I do not find pleasure in celebrating much of anything these days, I am relying on the good folks at www.halloween-safety.com to help me properly explain what a harrowing time is in store for you. Directly lifting quotes from their site means that I respect them, and doesn’t have anything to do with being a lazy writer who is very busy.
“Anytime a child has an accident, it’s tragic. The last thing that you want to happen is for your child to be hurt on a holiday, it would forever live in the minds of the child and the family.”
Google.com. Bing.com. Tumblr.com. With names as stupid as these, we must have run out of truly worthy website names a long time ago, right? Right? NUH-to-the-motherfucking-UH. Our crack Sneer Investigationist Team went under deep internet cover to discover the shocking truth about the websites that everyone assumes are taken: that the only barrier to website success is our failure to dream hard enough and reach for the internet stars.
Millennials have long had the reputation of killers. At the time of this writing, millennials have already killed Bar Soap, Cable Television, Print Media, The 9-5 Workday, Mass-Produced Beer, Hollywood, and Pleasant Journalism. And who cares, right? As long as there’s a decent alternative, we should be okay with moving on and getting with the times.
Wrong. Millennials are out to destroy our souls. Like every God-fearing Christian, I watch for new signs of the apocalypse every day. Here are five reasons why millennials are the harbingers of the End of Times:
I’m going to just come out and bluntly say it: We of the sneer campaign are depressed a lot. We are a lot of things, I guess. But in between bouts of anxiety, euphoria, rage, and “feeling kind of normal, I think?” we are just plain old sad. Well, Dollissa and I have this problem, I guess the contributors and Junior Sneerists might not be constant messes, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were just like us. Really, I figure most people, in their quiet times, have many of the issues we have.
And here I am, in the midst of another depression. How many have I had? How many more can there possibly be? Sometimes, I can’t tell if I am really sad, or just extremely melodramatic. Each time seems to get worse and worse but enough about me. What can we, collectively, DO about all of this sadness that not just I am having? I’ll tell you what we OUGHT to do. We should just stop feeling sad. Heck, let’s do away with all of the bad emotions, too! Fury, jealousy, insecurity, unreasonable panic, hate – throw those right out the door. And come to think of it, it’s really no use only feeling the happy, good emotions. Without the contrast of the bad things, good won’t seem as good as it is. And, besides, feeling good creates a pendulum effect where you are meant to swing back and feel an equal amount of bad. It’s a balance. It’s nature. So let’s just stop feeling.
I hear you wondering some things. Some things like, “but aren’t emotions good? Even the bad ones?” Nah. Thinking they are is a sort of Stockholm Syndrome, I’m sure. Luckily for you, I have put on my lab coat here in the laboratory, and have gotten out my clipboard – so I mean some serious science business here. All of your questions AND MORE will be answered while I have the energy to tappity-tap away at my keyboard for a few minutes. I’d encourage you to get excited and to expect relief, but this is a new day. A new era. We’ll have no more of that. No more looking forward to things because things are already okay. You’ll understand soon.
I have vivid memories of my first day in California. I remember clumsily carrying three large bags from the airport to the rental car center. I remember intentionally ordering a Mountain Dew when I stopped for pizza, because my new city was named Mountain View, and “drank a Mountain Dew in Mountain View” was going to make an excellent first status. I remember my landlord arriving late in her pajama pants and oversized sunglasses to hand me the apartment keys. Most distinctly, I remember the thoughts I had in IKEA that night.
As seen on YouTube, you can seemingly train any animal to do anything. Sort of. At least the animals on YouTube appear to do adorable things on purpose. I don’t know if that’s necessarily training.
I’ve never trained any of my pets to do anything. I’ve had rabbits, mice, turtles, hamsters, gerbils, and cats. They all did whatever they wanted, some resulting in more damage than others. I’ve always thought about training them, though. It seems like a lot of work, and the animals seem pretty against it without even trying.
However, here are some pets that I want, and what I would train them to do if I possessed the time, patience, ambition, and skill.
It’s a new year! New years call for resolutions, but what IS a resolution and how do you set them? How do you announce them? The preferred method, of course, is to hastily write an article for a website about it because you needed to set a resolution about writing content in advance yesterday, but yesterday’s gone and dead! We have to start now! NOW!
It is important to select realistic resolutions so that you don’t feel like a loser by mid-January. So often, we resolve to achieve goals that just aren’t attainable, once our character flaws come into play (and they always do). Understand your faults, and then, rather than actively try to change yourself, just change your attitude about what it is you want out of your new life this year. I think what I want is to strengthen my ability to outsource. I shall treat my life like a successful corporation. I will get so much done via other people! The dream comes true.
Inspiration comes from many sources, and can strike at any time. Yes. I have drawn inspiration from a humorous Internet meme. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even mean to see it! But I caught a glimpse of Axl Rose looking obese and sweaty, with that popular song lyric changed to “welcome to the jungle, we’ve got tons of cake,” and much like Axl, I found I wanted more!
Cheap shots against the fat such as Axl Rolls are easy to make and a dime a dozen, and really if we are being honest, so easy as to not even be funny. Is he fat because he sad eats? The side effects of medicine? The after effects of drug addiction? Is he okay? Will anyone ever ask him? Does anyone care? See? That’s all sad enough to almost cause me to sad eat, too! Instead, I’ve taken the high road, so difficult and twisty. I have burned many calories by thinking of alternate lyrics for the complete song! I worked up a sweat by feverishly drawing out these lyrics until I developed a sport injury in my arm. I have also worked up an appetite and I know what I’ll be singing in my head any time I eat for a long while now.
Please, if you need a more generous portion of the image below, click that thing. It gets bigger, just like all of our waist sizes as we age.
There was a news item out recently concerning the nature of friendships between humans and chickens. In it, the Center of Disease Control suggested that perhaps, just maybe, the new farming generation should create a more businesslike environment on their small hobby farms. Some people believe that happy chickens produce tastier, more healthful eggs, and seem to think that strong friendships are the key to happy chickens. In an effort to put the chickens at ease, they snuggle with them and apparently give them delicate smooches about the head and beak (and that is all, I hope). The CDC is totally grossed out, and AlexT, Dollissa, and I are OUTRAGED. As usual.
We don’t know for sure if kissing a chicken will get it to grow a better egg. But we DO know that we are being consumed with jealousy that we don’t have chickens of our own! We like egg-based meals! We like the sounds chickens make! We have watched documentaries about these things! I even have a book about raising chickens! It is a grave injustice that out of the three, zero of us have any chicken friends.
I made a comic out of our conversation, but do not be misled. This is not a comedy chat I have drawn. It is a true modern tragedy.
When I was a younger person, in my single digits, I had some Big Ideas of how the world works. For no readily apparent reason, (because adults didn’t feed me these thoughts and I did not hold discussions on such topics with my peers), I believed all kinds of things that eventually faded – but they never went away completely.
I thought that if any water was murky, that meant there were sharks right out of view, ready to eat me. I thought that if Satan was the Father of Lies, then the greatest lie would be to pass himself off as God and to get humans to worship him and commit atrocities in his assumed name. I thought spiders in webs were our ancestors, for some reason, keeping an eye on us. I thought that if you slept in a room within view of the mirror, your reflection would wake up and jealously stare at you and try to get through and replace you in this world. I thought mushrooms growing in the yard were types of cheese. And yet, I didn’t fear that stepping on sidewalk cracks would break my mother’s back. That’s just silly!
But I want to talk about the idea I held most firmly: that the world and the future had limitless possibilities for me, and for anyone. Want to be an astronaut when you grow up? Well, I thought, all you have to do is just want it. The notion of having to study or train for space missions was laughable to me, if I even considered it at all. With this belief firmly in place, what kinds of plans did I make? With the universe existing only to fulfill our any desire, which desires did I select for myself?