catz

Hello, I’m Amandoll and today we’re here to honor the world’s favorite miscellaneous underappreciated humor site on the internet, the one you are on right now: the Sneer Campaign. Maybe you’ll see long lost footage, never before seen material unless you follow us on Facebook, and references to your favorite articles. I really don’t know how this is going to turn out because who plans what they’re going to say? Apparently not me! So strap on your safety belts, readers, so that your pants don’t fly off with all of the excitement!

Sneer Campaign began as a brainchild of Dollissa and me, with reluctant support from cchris. We have told this story before, and probably a lot of what I’m about to say in the rest of this article, but sadly I don’t have all 499 other articles posted at this time memorized. This is a clip show anyway, so you didn’t come here expecting all fresh material. BUT how did three people from different parts of the world meet in the first place, you ask? Why, through the magic of Fate and the Internet, of course!

 

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You find yourself in a maze filled with edible orbs, and you are not alone. Monsters lurk in this place, is it a dungeon? Is it a castle? Is it a level of HELL? You must run from these evil things — oh! You catch a glimpse! They’re g-g-ghosts! Vengeful, doomed spirits chase you, wishing to devour your soul. So you run. You dodge them by darting into unused corridors! Oh god but there are more! Mindlessly being forced to eat orbs as you run in terror, you stumble upon one that causes the ghosts to flee from YOU. Ha ha! Who’s chasing whom NOW, you fiends?! You gobble them up for a few seconds, not nearly enough seconds. Then their fear is over. You didn’t kill any of them. You do not kill ghosts. The chase is on again, and again, and again until you somehow eat all of the orbs. Then it all starts over.

No, I didn’t write out an entry from my Terrible Dreams journal. I just described the basic plot of Pac Man, an early video game from the otherwise glorious 1980s. It was released on this date in 1980, and I was never the same again.

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bette.jpg

Who’s that girl? That haughty broad who appears on anything I can incorporate her into, whenever I make anything for Sneer Campaign – who is she?? What makes her so special that she has basically become the symbol of Sneer Campaign, even though she isn’t one of us, and she isn’t even really sneering there. She’s clearly judging, or about to condescend in the coldest of ways. This silver screen wonder is Bette Davis and her Bette Face is our inspiration every day of the year.

 

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The desire to communicate with the spirit world is not a new fad in our society. Indeed, since the very first caveman crawled from the sea, humans have been trying to find that there is more to life than running away from carnosaurs, angry herbasaurs, larger cavemen, and various stampedes. How depressed would they have been if they couldn’t believe in a spirit world, intangible to them, and yearning to share spirit secrets with the living? Cavemen begat shamans who could commune with these spirits by drinking poisonous plant mixtures and chanting a lot. Through the persuasions of these “spirits” or DEMONS, PERHAPS?!, societies were built, machines were invented, and scientific reasoning began to rule us all. I believe this is what they SHOULD teach in Sunday Schools across America, if they don’t already.

You know what ELSE is taught in Sunday Schools? That Ouija Boards are BAD. MAYBE. Do they teach that? I have actually never been to a Sunday School.

watch out its scary

But what IS a Ouija Board? It is a game, of course, made by Parker Brothers. You basically have a board with letters, numbers, and some words on it, a planchette (which is a pointing device), and two or more friends trying to put their fingers on the planchette and decide what it will spell out, while pretending that it is a spirit force doing the directing. The word “Ouija” is owned by Parker Brothers and is entirely made up. It is French and German for “yes.” A yesboard. The idea and use of “talking boards,” as they are commonly known, has been going on for a thousand years or more, but “ouija” has become like “kleenex” or “coke” these days, and I am sure the Parker Bros are happy about this, as any company would be.

 

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It has been mentioned before that Dollissa and I had terrifying doll personas at the advent of Sneer Campaign. We have these dolls as avatars that attach to our author names when we comment, I think. Originally, they were going to appear at the end of each article, but we wound up selecting a wordpress theme that doesn’t do that. For a second, we were disappointed. Then we realized that it was probably a good idea to not have those unsettling dolls leering out at our readers. All that remains are our names. Confusing doll-names attached to two girls who don’t even like dolls. But how did we cook up the idea in the first place? Why, it’s all the fault of cchris, of course!

 

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Say, who’s that girl? That lanky brunette with the wicked jaw? Why, it’s everyone’s favorite lady character from any 1930s film: Nora Charles! But what makes her so great? Lemme tell ya.

Nora Charles

Mrs. Charles is the wife of Mr. Nick Charles in the Thin Man movies. Have you watched any of the Thin Mans? For heaven’s sake, if you haven’t, do so as soon as you can! It was a formative bunch of films that I was exposed to at a young age and immediately realized that Nora was the role model I needed. She was everything I wanted to be some day. Some people consider this to be a fool’s desire because they believe you need modern role models for modern times. Excuse me please but timeless class acts are eternal.

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We have all had our favorite food or drink items before. Something that, for whatever reason, you really take to and thoroughly enjoy above the sea of fairly similar products. As a child, you can probably recall your favorite candy. I’m sure most of you played it safe and fell in love with a candy that was a major household name, and one that you would never have to worry about not being there. Instead of going out there and taking chances, you took the easy way out. Does it make you proud? Probably not. But at least you haven’t had to deal with heartbreak due to your risk-taking. No, I am not crazy by talking about attaching yourself to a certain kind of candy and comparing it to falling in love. I HAVE loved and lost in the candy world, so I know what I am talking about.

I was 10 years old.

PB Max
Its name was PB Max.

We were in love, goddamnit.

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I had a dream not so long ago that I was in a very nice but strange house that was hosting a casual sort of cocktail party. I found a study and tried to use the phone to call someone to come to get me, but, as usual, couldn’t remember any phone numbers or dial correctly. After a while, Carl Sagan came into the room. I was in his house! He explained to me that we live simultaneous lives across many, many realities and even though you might die in some of them, you still live on in others. He also mentioned that when we sleep, sometimes we dream, and sometimes we just visit other realities, and that I wasn’t exactly dreaming here, in this dream. All of the explanations included nifty graphics. And he wasn’t very old, so there was talk about the way timelines work or something. He was very nice. I was given snacks.

In celebration of this, my very real religious experience, and in celebration of Carl Sagan’s birthday (November 9th of every year), I have drawn him as every one of the Sailor Scouts. From Sagan Mercury to Sagan Pluto, he inspires us, protects us, and brings us peace in our daily lives.

A true hero.

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You know how there are words out there for highly specific emotions? Like adronitis, the frustration over how long it takes to get to know someone. Or liberosis, the desire to care less about things. Is there a word for that feeling you get when you believe that there must be alternate realities that exist closely in space to your own reality, so close that they are ALMOST your reality, and that reality is that your real dad is cartoon buffoon Hong Kong Phooey? Does that even make sense? Great.

Well, since I was a very small child, I have had this feeling occasionally. And as I’ve aged, the feeling has lessened a bit, but it’s still there inside of me, shaping my personality to some extent.

Unlike other forms of insanity I probably have, this one can be traced directly to my mother. For as long as I’ve lived, my mother has always told this story about how she and some of the rest of my extended family took my older brother, then an only child, to see a Hanna-Barbera Icecapades show. While there, Hong Kong Phooey apparently took a liking to her and showed his ardor by sitting on her lap and dragging her from the audience to dance with her in front of everyone. She concludes this oft-told story by saying, “And then, nine months later, Amanda was born.”  Everyone laughs. Everyone always laughs. But once upon a time, I believed her. I was too young to understand that my mom might be kidding, but apparently old enough to catch the implication that Hong Kong Phooey was my real dad.

It turns out that if you start life thinking that you are half-cartoon, it kind of sticks with you, there in the middle, for all of the rest of your life. I mean, I know I am not actually a half-cartoon! Don’t send me to the asylum yet. Anyway, it would clearly have been an actor dressed up like Hong Kong Phooey, not the real poorly-animated dog. It would be like thinking that Santa and Mall Santas are the same thing. No! Regardless, in my idle time, I start to wonder what my alternate reality life must be like, the one where HKP was not an absentee father. Let’s look at my art therapy session.

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Amandoll likes to make comics based on real conversations she has. She has kind of a backlog set up, so this is just one out of a hundred. Some day, you’ll grow to love all of the characters. Here, she and Chris interact and a new facet of their personalities is revealed. Their personality? Shared personality? Gross, probably.

Click to make it bigger!

Priss & Demanda #1