First came the tentacle rape.
It was the beginning in a long line of horrors that OMGJeremy has subjected me to in his articles since the very beginning in 2002. (OMGJeremy.com was the site that most of us used to write for.) But you know what they say: what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. Well, I must be invincible by now. And not only have I seen a lot, but I’ve written about a lot too, articles that have been lost to time mostly, including a review of a site that teaches women how to rape their husbands. But in 2003, I found something that managed to combine all of those and more. It’s as if all my nightmares Go-Go-Power-Morphed into some unholy Megazord and returned to feed me my own ass.
“What is it?” you’re probably asking as you close the door and open a new browser window. Why It’s none other than Furcadia — an online game that let you take on the role of an animal and interact with others in a series of dream worlds. And not surprisingly in the least, it contains the three big staples of the internet diet: furries, cybersex, and MMORPGs.
Nothing can beat the splendor of the preserved beauty of nature for miles, lit by a setting sun while you sip a beer you snuck in. Public parks are great in nearly every form, and National Parks are a national treasure. There are 59 of them designated right now (although there are 417 units in the National Park Service) in these United States and I recommend racing your friends to visit the most.
At a lot of these parks, you’ll end up having to hike a bit. But good news! Hiking is just walking. Grab some fashionable yet comfortable sneakers, a reusable water bottle, and get your park on. Summer is the perfect season for sweating off your booty while enjoying one of these charming spots.
Plus, they need us! We all know how politics go, and don’t you want America to still be here in hundreds of years, in the form of natural landmasses that we had little to do with? Show your support by visiting and indicating that you appreciate their existence. Our national parks are doing a really great job lately, and we should each and every one of us let them know!
I talk about my sister often on Sneer Campaign. She’s pretty great! And if you memorize every word we say, you’ll remember that she’s a veterinarian and has two beautiful, big-headed, cuddly pit bulls. If you didn’t know, pit bull is pretty much an umbrella term, often also referred to as “bully breeds” and carries a lot of weight with it. (The weight is mostly in their giant silly heads.)
Tembo and Laika are two of the best dogs that anyone could hope for. Both were rescued and adopted into my sister’s loving, happy home. They’re as close as my sister and I were as kids. We still are, but maybe not as adorably.
I love sleep but I often feel like I do not get enough, and I don’t really have any experience with successfully falling asleep with any regularity unless I am exhausted. However, I have little tricks to help me get in the mood for sleep. Often, these tricks involve YouTube or Netflix.
Once upon a time, I could not sleep if the television or radio were on, because I’d want to pay attention to it, whatever it was. But along the way, I have discovered a few shows that I have seen so often, or have been watching when I was already exhausted often enough that I have made a mental link between the two, that I am lulled into snoozeland within an hour.
There are a few television shows with live actors that I can sleep to, sometimes against all odds, such as Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I can let that play on Netflix for days and be soothed, despite the fact that they never stop screaming or being unbelievably hostile. But I find that what really does the trick are animated shows. It isn’t that I am returned to an age where I could sleep easily, because these are all shows I have watched in adulthood, mostly. Nevertheless, they possess a quality, each one of them, that guides me to where I want to be. Maybe they can do the same for you? Plenty can be found in YouTube in full, but in some cases, you’re going to have to find them yourself. Good luck.
In the unending quest to understand all of the mysteries of the world, we are perhaps not as tireless as other people out there. Our lives are more dedicated to the pursuit of sneering, and also laughing (both kindly laughs and laughs that are not so nice). So a lot of the time, if we find ourselves delving into mysteries… well, maybe we aren’t being as studious and serious as the nice people who get interviewed in TV Documentaries.
There are loads of documentaries and books and even a whole movie starring Richard Gere of all people about the Mothman. AlexT and I watched one of those documentaries the other day and decided to do a little investigating of this mystery on our own! We put on our investigation bonnets, slapped a mixed CD filled with summery music into a rental car, and took a road trip straight to the Mothman Museum located in Point Pleasant, WV! That’s really all we did. We took pictures.
The museum consists of a gift shop and a room of newspaper clippings, movie props, and costumes. But we learned all that we needed to know to become experts. We have solved the mystery of what this thing was that tormented the good folk of this town. But first, we will tell you what it is not.
How many people here love murder-mystery shows? Raise your hands. Now, how many of you SHOULD love murder-mystery shows? I am going to suppose you have all raised your hands because that would be the truthful thing to do and we live in a world of honesty. Speaking of honesty, I will honestly tell you right here and now that Columbo is the finest television program in this genre of television show. It is also probably the finest program of the 1970s. You cannot dispute this fact with me because I will not hear otherwise.
It’s May and that means, without a doubt, that it is Spring! The birds and the butterflies and bees are coming out, along with the flowers, grass, and big leafy trees.
Well, today we’ve got a simple craft you can do to make an adorable bird feeder just in time for your local feathery pals to visit and have a snack. This craft is brought to you by our nonprofit charity Wilder Friends, where we help bring bird feeders and butterfly gardens to public places and to organizations who need it.
This series will explore some of the works in our store, Sneer1Imports. We wanted to tell the stories behind the designs and illustrations. Some have long histories, some were funny suggestions, and others were favors. Please join us on a journey of love, sneers, pens, and art!
Today’s bright little bird is perfect as a notebook, especially to use for birdwatching trips or for other bird-friendly or -related activities, notes, or silly cartoons. But if you really want to show off your love for these darlings, it makes a fabulous scarf or an adorable wall clock. We’ll be giving the proceeds from any sales of this design, or any other design featuring birds, to Wilder Friends, for the months of May and June!
Do you want to know the future? I sure do. If you could tell the future perfectly, life would be pretty great; the obvious example being picking lottery numbers. I mean, sure, money corrupts, but how much fun is being uncorrupt? I’ve tried it. It’s not fun at all.
Other things that divination is good for:
- finding the “right one” for you
- avoiding disasters
- coming to grips with the sudden death of loved ones
- determining whether to get out of bed in the morning
- determining whether you should worry about that mole on your butt
Divination: good for Everything
Get up and go! It’s time to give a shit. Now that warmer weather is approaching (in the US at least), let’s take a brisk walk to our closest library and put in the smallest effort to preserve probably one of the best things in your town! One of the best things in the world, really, when it comes to public institutions.
So many libraries are not just places to check out books, but they also provide research information, computers and the internet, music and movies, art, children’s reading time and activities, adult classes and lectures, and even just a comfortable place for solitude. Not all of them will have all of those features, but they’ll all have books and they’ll all have librarians.
When I was a kid it was my favorite place to go. I’d beg my mom to take me, which she would dread because I’d spend so much time there, searching through the books. And then I’d check out so many that both mom and the librarian would chuckle at my little stack, bigger than my always-tiny presence. But we all knew I’d be back the very next week. Since I haven’t done that in years, I’m going to join y’all on this library journey set forth below. Pick any or all activity and get on your way to your closest or favorite branch.