I have vivid memories of my first day in California. I remember clumsily carrying three large bags from the airport to the rental car center. I remember intentionally ordering a Mountain Dew when I stopped for pizza, because my new city was named Mountain View, and “drank a Mountain Dew in Mountain View” was going to make an excellent first status. I remember my landlord arriving late in her pajama pants and oversized sunglasses to hand me the apartment keys. Most distinctly, I remember the thoughts I had in IKEA that night.

ikea

 

 

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Everyone likes to drink. It’s a goddamn American pastime as far as I know. And until casual drugs are legalized across the country, it will continue to be people’s preferred way of losing their minds in a social gathering, or just at home by themselves. It’s a great way to blow off some steam, or make your life and everyone around you slightly more tolerable. Generally, it’s a good time for all. Unfortunately a problem arises when someone just doesn’t know how to deal with drinking: the Excessive Drinker. Usually these are the people who are the loudest or most obnoxious people in the bar. They have had way too much drank, and they have no idea how to control themselves. Anyone who has been out on a weekend has seen it, and it’s not a pretty sight. Nobody wants to be that person. And we’re not going to let you become that person.

The below guide is here to help you on your way in the art of excessive alcohol consumption. What? You just thought it was as easy as taking as many shots as possible and hoping you don’t die of alcohol poisoning? That’s a big rookie mistake! Go in with that attitude and you’ll be waking up naked in the middle of an alley with a prolapsed colon in no time. No one wants that. Or at least no one SHOULD want that. Take heed of the following tips, and you’ll be able to enjoy your new-found life as an alcoholic that much more. So get those bottles lined up, we have a lot of things to cover before you get too drunk to remember any of it.

alcoholism

 

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Say, who’s that girl? That lanky brunette with the wicked jaw? Why, it’s everyone’s favorite lady character from any 1930s film: Nora Charles! But what makes her so great? Lemme tell ya.

Nora Charles

Mrs. Charles is the wife of Mr. Nick Charles in the Thin Man movies. Have you watched any of the Thin Mans? For heaven’s sake, if you haven’t, do so as soon as you can! It was a formative bunch of films that I was exposed to at a young age and immediately realized that Nora was the role model I needed. She was everything I wanted to be some day. Some people consider this to be a fool’s desire because they believe you need modern role models for modern times. Excuse me please but timeless class acts are eternal.

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I didn’t really know much about Canadians − and I mean it’s not like I do now, before all of you proud Canadians hiss at me that I know NOTHING of Canada − until I was a tween and Kids in the Hall was aired in the late hours of the night on network television in the early 1990s. So, sooo long ago. I had been fed on a steady diet of entertainment from secret Canadians up until that point. They mask their pronunciation of “sorry” and are undetectable to us. Why are they hiding this? Would Americans be racist against them, if we knew? Well, that’s a subject for a crackpot theory article on another day, because I am here JUST to talk about one specific Kid in the Hall.

Dave Foley

Happy birthday, Dave Foley!

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It’s a new year! New years call for resolutions, but what IS a resolution and how do you set them? How do you announce them? The preferred method, of course, is to hastily write an article for a website about it because you needed to set a resolution about writing content in advance yesterday, but yesterday’s gone and dead! We have to start now! NOW!

It is important to select realistic resolutions so that you don’t feel like a loser by mid-January. So often, we resolve to achieve goals that just aren’t attainable, once our character flaws come into play (and they always do). Understand your faults, and then, rather than actively try to change yourself, just change your attitude about what it is you want out of your new life this year. I think what I want is to strengthen my ability to outsource. I shall treat my life like a successful corporation. I will get so much done via other people! The dream comes true.

resolutions 2016

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I like to think of myself as a cool customer, almost robotlike in my dealings with what life has to throw at me. Rational. Certainly not emotional. However, I have to face facts. I have to come clean with you all: I pretty much dramatically fall apart seven times a year or so. It’s part of my charm.

Luckily, I have friends who seem to never encourage me to let it all out of my system, and certainly don’t comfort me. They barely endure me, probably! Oh god.

I guess the REAL “luckily” is that this treatment often can snap me out of it somewhat, and I can distract myself with something that can become wildly profitable some day. At the very least, because of the comic below, now you know that writing goth caveman poetry is therapeutic, because doing this cured my Bout on the day this comic was made. Try it yourself sometime.

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I’m sure you’ve heard of Festivus. This cult holiday phenomenon came to the masses from the greatest show ever on television, Seinfeld, 18 years ago. In Season 9, episode 10, The Strike, it comes to light that George’s father does not celebrate Christmas, but a holiday of his own making. He created the holiday, as the story goes, in response to the commercialization of the season (aka he got into a fight with a man over a doll).

It might surprise you to know that people actually celebrate this holiday. Some of those people include my father, and the father of a Seinfeld writer, Dan O’Keefe.

What you should really understand, though, is that Festivus is a state of mind. Just like (some people say) Christmas is more about family and giving selflessly than gathering piles of gifts, Festivus is about living your life a certain way. A Costanza-y way.

Festivus for the Best of Us by Amanda Wood

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The human celebrity is a creature that is much sought-after indeed. For whatever reason, these celebrity people have given up any chance of privacy or normal living so that they can be recognized wherever they go, mobbed by crowds of frightening strangers, followed by photographers, ambushed by undercover police, and hunted by stalkers. I suppose they enjoy all of that attention, and of course also the millions of dollars that are delivered to them by dump truck every morning. It would be all peaches and sunshine if these famous people could get attention, cash dollars, and sprawling mansions without having to feel annoyed or even occasionally terrified. It would be rainbows and roses if they could only be seen in clubs and restaurants and gated communities where only other pretty people with equal levels of wealth and fame could see each other and they’d never ever be bothered by gross icky nobodies like the rest of us.

However, this is simply not the case.

Modern celebrities must indulge us by appearing to be reasonably nice and approachable (preferably without having to demonstrate these traits too often) because if they do not, then their beloved popularity can suffer. And popularity is very, very important. If they fall out of favor, it is sometimes quite difficult to ever return to their former glory.

I am going to explain to you all how to wheedle yourselves into the lives of any celebrity of your choosing by coming across as charming, lovely, and worthwhile through written letters. You’ll thank me when this is all over, although I may get some anger from the famous person quadrant if you don’t get it right, so please pay attention.

Kristen Stewart

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I’ll be bringing you a little yuletide cheer this week by talking a little bit about Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey. Oh, wait. Did I say “cheer” because that is actually the opposite of what I meant to say. What I have dredged from my soup of far distant childhood memories is a Christmas special that I saw when I was maybe eight or nine that was SO DEPRESSING that I only saw it once, and it made me cry. It made me cry outrageously hard. This animation AGED ME far beyond my years and I will never forgive it.

nestor

I don’t even know how popular this one is. When I was little, I loved animated specials very much, so I would be sure to catch them whenever they were on. Not this one though. I am not sure if it is because I just avoided it magically, or if it was only shown one time because it inspired a wave of angry calls from parents. I can’t really even remember what upset me so much about it, except for one obvious part I will tell you about in a moment, as we watch it together, hand in hand.

So, let’s get this over with, my friends, my strangers. Let’s watch Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey – for the first time in decades. Let’s see if it will stir up more feelings, feelings I have spent a lifetime trying to silence. And for those of you who don’t feel like watching along with me, I’ll just summarize this son of a button for you as it goes along.

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I wouldn’t go as far as to say I am “afraid” of bugs. Honestly, I don’t possess a fear of them, and that isn’t coming from some macho part of me that wants to maintain dignity. If I was worried about maintaining dignity, I wouldn’t be telling this story in such a popular arena as this site. There is only one bug that I despise. One bug, that while I do not feel fear toward, still manages to fill me with a great sense of unease and near nausea. The Cave Cricket.

Cave Cricket

To make things even stranger, I wasn’t even rendered sick by these things until a particular event. Sure I never volunteered to have those rat bastards jump on me…

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