I am not a person who is given to complaint — don’t believe anything you might hear from the rumor mill! Vicious lies. In my daily living, I am not about to complain about regular human error. Mostly I am thinking that if I am served the wrong food, because I don’t have any outrageous food allergies or restrictions, I will just eat it because I would rather not waste food. And I guess I would rather not make a big fuss over it. Although I just realized that they probably would let me eat for free so maybe next time, if it ever happens again, I will say something! Witness my character growth in the very first paragraph in real time.

me a lot

However, the point of this article is to tell you the story of this one time when I felt WRONGED. I was misled by packaging. So I went after the Kroger corporation in the only way I could figure out that didn’t involve speaking on the phone or to anyone’s face. I wrote an angry letter, just like an old person.

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 get ready

Your friend has hit a rough spot and, for whatever reason, you have stepped up to aid them in their time of need. When you invite a friend to stay in your home until their lives stabilize, until they stop weeping at night, until they get a job — ANY job — and find a place of their own to live, you may not realize exactly what you are about to do. You may think to yourself, “This man or woman has been my friend for X number of years, I feel fondness for them and would like to give them sanctuary from their troubles. After all, were I in their place, I would hope that I had a good person to help me out.” But you fail to acknowledge that this person will be using your furniture, your bathroom, your cooking utensils. They will be all over your living space. They will probably even look in your bedroom when everyone else is out working.

Basically you’ve gone above and beyond the call of friendship. You may think that because you are being so kind as to do all of this, what with the inconveniencing your life to an extent and shaking up your day-to-day, your friend would be more than happy to do the one or two things you ask of them. No sir.

You see, when you invite a friend to live with you, something happens to them. They change into a monster. Many of you have seen this happen with real room mates, but the complexities of the Room Mate is a topic for another article on another day. Friends who are staying with you as guests do not have to pay rent, or bills. They often feel like real guests, although they start out as overly grateful ones.

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Dear 2016,

A lot of things happened this year… during you, 2016. Yes, I will go ahead and anthropomorphize you because that’s all the rage these days. I will talk to you as though you were a living entity filled with whims and aspirations, as though you decided who lived or died all year long. 2016, you are god, I guess, to a lot of people, but a form of god that they aren’t (entirely) frightened of being publicly angry at for things you have seemingly maliciously decided to do. How dare you be a living breathing creature of some type!?

watch out

 

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gift card

There are some who say that gift-giving is a dying art. There was a time once when gift selection was a thoughtful process of deciding upon a gift that reflects both the giver and its recipient, when the giver sought something that the recipient would want but would be unlikely to buy himself.

There was also a time when we lived in caves and drew stick figures on the walls.

Yes, now we live in what historians will one day call Modern Times, what with the cable TV and the “World Wide Internet” and the spray cheese and the downsizing and the Taco Bell and the one hit wonder and the female impersonators and the Lincoln Town Cars and the Wal-Marts and the African skin cults and the Bimini Road and the wild packs of Mole People from Far Ends of Time now roaming the earth. We don’t have time to give that much thought to others; we have a hair appointment at four o’clock!

 

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There’s nothing really very good about concerts; they sound just like the recorded version. Just kidding, they sound great! It’s really cool to be able to see a band that you love performing live. The energy is amazing, a crowd of people who love music – the same music, and the delightfully frustrating merch table. But, there are too many bad things about them that they’re almost not worth it. They’re not worth it. They’re never worth it. They’re never, ever worth it.

On top of being too short, there are too many people, it smells like stale beer, that stale beer costs too much, you’ll probably have to endure a weird opening act, and good luck having a forgettable time in the bathroom.

concerts are awful

 

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grogberries

Inspiration to start a comic series strikes me at the most unexpected times. Sometimes, I actually think things up. Other times, content is handed to me, practically thrown in my lap. The comics you are seeing in this article today were of that variety. Dollissa and I, and many of the other writers you may see around here, all were at one point part of one of those quaint old-fashioned internet message boards that used to be so popular. We still spend a little time there. Well, as you read these comics below, keep in mind that every single one of them were from posts from one specific character on that forum, the author of this post (because he wrote all of the comics, and the comics wouldn’t exist without him, of course).

I found that the more I saw him post, the more I imagined that he was a horse trapped in a human body, trying to get by in a human world. As far as I know, his life is an episode of the Twilight Zone, and what I noticed about him is true.

— Amandoll

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Considering the weird and angry comments about our Star Trek post even though the post was very clearly a joke, I almost did not write this. But, oh yeah, who cares?

You will see it all over the internet. You will see it on real news sites, viral sites, Facebook rants, Twitter hashtags, angry memes, and unfortunately you will even hear it right into your own ears: people shouting about how spec work sucks, you shouldn’t do it, and nobody should ask about it.

People refer to it a lot of different ways, but what we’re talking about here is doing (usually) creative work for free. You guys are gonna hate me for this, but here is how I feel about it: I WILL DO CREATIVE WORK FOR FREE AND SO WILL AMANDOLL.

will work 4 attn

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I’m sure you’ve heard of Festivus. This cult holiday phenomenon came to the masses from the greatest show ever on television, Seinfeld, 18 years ago. In Season 9, episode 10, The Strike, it comes to light that George’s father does not celebrate Christmas, but a holiday of his own making. He created the holiday, as the story goes, in response to the commercialization of the season (aka he got into a fight with a man over a doll).

It might surprise you to know that people actually celebrate this holiday. Some of those people include my father, and the father of a Seinfeld writer, Dan O’Keefe.

What you should really understand, though, is that Festivus is a state of mind. Just like (some people say) Christmas is more about family and giving selflessly than gathering piles of gifts, Festivus is about living your life a certain way. A Costanza-y way.

Festivus for the Best of Us by Amanda Wood

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It’s possible that this is not a universal problem. It’s possible trying repeatedly to contact local charities and non-profits and never hearing back is something that happens to only me. It’s possible that these particular places are bad at responding. It’s also possible that they hate me and are ignoring me. Yes, all 17 of them.

If you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, let me enlighten you. I am a nice person occasionally, and I like to help people out. Although I do sometimes donate money, when I am dealing with local organizations, I prefer to offer time, resources, or even pay for things they need and bring it to them. Generally, I find a non-profit or charity that mentions specific items they need. I contact them at the exact email address where they say “contact us about this” and I often follow up to the address listed on a Contact Us page on their website.

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