We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers.
Welcome to my irrational fear that makes me so uncomfortable that I have never allowed myself to think about it for very long. I wince when I consider it. Perhaps I should start with a little backstory.
When I was about seven years old, I had a series of night terrors where I would wake everyone in my family up at night because I was screaming horribly. The dream always started the same, with me being within one of five beams of light that appeared to be both moving and still, somewhat eternal or infinite I guess. But I’d be hurtling through space, then veer of towards Earth where I was suddenly me, as a child, in a weird dystopian service station somewhere. Eventually, the dream always ended when some space technology that had been harnessed and not fully understood would go haywire and there’d be repetition that was speeding up exponentially until I woke up FREAKING OUT.
I also hated (and still hate) night time windows being uncurtained because I don’t want things looking in. And also, I don’t like to look up at the night sky in case I see something I can’t explain. These things have bothered me for a really long time and there was one day in my teens that I wondered if I had been abducted, and I immediately stopped thinking about it. But by now, I worry about what if I am actually an alien and that’s why I don’t understand screaming or dancing. And why I see people in buffet lines and feel like I am observing livestock. Have I forgotten who I am and why I’m here? Have I gone totally insane, or am I just really close to it all the time? Halp.
Revered philosopher, martial artist, and film star Bruce Lee was born on November 27, 1940. Because he died in 1973, his spirit had to appear in front of us in his true form. We are honored to depict him here in the midst of an iconic pose, drawing power from all points in the universe and spreading his upper body’s hood so as to appear larger to his foes. After this display, Mr. Lee always became indestructible and was thus able to right wrongs, and achieve justice in a world which seemed to be stacked against him. In his short time on Earth, Bruce Lee left a pretty good legacy and we all still enjoy being amazed by random clips of his antics to this very day.
We are not a religious bunch of people. We are barely even spiritual. I’d characterize us each as people who are interested in simply being good, maybe even beyond reproach. Maybe some of the Junior Sneerists just bump along, existing until inevitably dying and turning to dust. That is to say, this was all the case until we discovered some rubble that was once a temple. Within that rubble were complete sketches of how the temple once looked, and mostly-indecipherable texts describing the rituals and beliefs of the worshipers who once populated this place.
The temple may be a metaphor, but the religion is real: Sneerholicism
Our cats are tricksters, escape artists, bold, too smart or too stupid. This is not to say that our cats are different than other cats. They are all pretty much the same. They are less like pets and more like shiftless roommates, forever late on the rent and refusing to clean up after themselves. We provide illustrated guides to them, once monthly.
Reigning megastar of the universe, Beyoncé, Queen of the World, fluttered into the Sneer Art Studio today in order to be drawn in her natural form today. While effortlessly shifting from one pristine, awe-inspiring pose to another, she casually spoke a monologue stream of opinions about the state of the cosmos, her family, and most importantly: her image. It is our pleasure to announce to you that she resents being likened to a Queen Bee and that her fans are part of a “Bey Hive,” for really, as you can see, she is a long-legged owl who dances across the sky by night.
Beloved leather-crafted leading man, Daniel Craig, took time away from posing as a serious actor of note to sit for a portrait in his natural form today. The result of a love between his father, a catcher’s mitt, and his mother, a traditional sugar bowl belonging to a respectable dish set, Mr. Craig is Hollywood’s only leather dish heart throb. Soon, his bodyhead will be reattached to his tuxedo clad, unusually muscular human body in order to once more play the part of James Bond, a role he claimed to never want to portray again.
Steven Tyler, influential rock musician, took time out of his busy schedule so that he could be illustrated in his true form. Mr. Tyler was once a loose assortment of mop pieces and shreds of scarf, but he wound himself together into a stage presence that has become iconic. Throughout the years, fame and fortune have allowed him to continually add to his layers of fabric, but he has never seen the inside of a mop bucket. All of his dust and grime has been earned by his antics in one of the biggest musical acts in history. Possessed by the pure spirit of Rock n’ Roll, this mop man shows no sign of slowing down.
Anyone who knows anything about Marilyn Monroe is probably aware that she was insecure, tormented by fame, and battling addictions that were rooted in an unhappy childhood and an unhappy adulthood. A classic tale, was she, of the sorrows and stresses of the Hollywood Machine. If you didn’t know that, now you do. She probably had actual clinical depression, and mental illness is no laughing matter, but as I read through her various quotes the other day, I couldn’t help but notice that she said some pretty sad things! My heart went “boohoo” as I saw her pleas for help which I can only assume went ignored. She had to be the Blonde Bombshell when, had she been a pretty young thing any time after the 1980s, she could have been a goth-punk, a Suicide Girl, or a generic mall goth. Instead of quotes immortalized on imdb, her quotes could have been unseen on deadjournal, or carved into the skin of her own tummy and shown only to her myspace friends. Marilyn Monroe might have suffered so much because she felt out of place in every way, yearning for a subculture that didn’t exist, and then she was taken from the world far too young.
Angelina Jolie took a break from rescuing unfortunate children and defending the world from injustice today in order to have her portrait done in her true form. Clad in a casual embellished floor-length strapless gown, Ms. Jolie clearly felt at ease while sitting for us at Sneer Studio. Her skull horns curve gracefully and her lips billow in the supernatural breeze that surrounds her at all times. She has lately been busying herself with family life, feeding from the souls of the children she has clustered around her, and brandishing a fiery sword at former partner, Brad Pitt, while shrieking her banshee wail.
Steven Tyler, legendary rock musician, took time out of his busy schedule for us to illustrate him in his true form. Originally hailing from the mysterious seas around Fiji, Mr. Tyler one of the few, but not only, mummified remains of a monkey and fish sewn together who has made a success for himself in the business. Today, he is adorned in plentiful accessories and many, many fashion scarves which remind him of the fashion seaweed of his underwater home reef. Having been around since the 1840s, the famed frontman of Aerosmith claims to be interested in eventual retirement in order to return to the South Pacific and finally rest.