Gambling, huh? It’s confusing and there are so many games. But I am here to help. As the descendant of the author of Playboy’s Book of Games, I feel that I have a special connection to this topic and therefore will be an expert without ever necessarily having played the games.
Because of that special connection I have created this handy guide for you!
They say “whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” but we don’t believe that at the Sneer Campaign! Maybe it is because we love to share our exciting antics with the whole world, or maybe it is because we have a severe lack of content for this week — it doesn’t matter! What matters is that what you see before you on this page is a hastily slapped together bunch of pictures we happened to take with other Sneerists and assorted friends and family. Imagine that this is basically like when your older relatives come back from vacation and have too many reels of slides for you to sit and look through on the projection screen. Also, imagine that the year is currently 1963.
Horses are really pretty. I like to look at them and to pet their noses and feed them carrots and sugar and stuff like that. I also have been known to want to braid their hair and brush them until they shine. This is natural. I am a girl, after all. I was never too into the idea of riding them or trimming their feet or training them or whatever. I possess something of a slight fear of them, honestly, but I think it’s because I think too much and dwell on things like “that animal is way a lot larger than me and it wears metal on its feet, who am I to tell it what to do?” I call it common sense. Horse sense.
When I was a little girl, though, I didn’t realize that horses could be scary or dangerous, so I collected figurines of them and read about them and liked to see them and claimed that I really wanted to learn to ride them. I also wanted, and got, a few ponies in my time. Actually, those ponies were what taught me that equines are nice to look at but I wouldn’t want to live there.
As you might have guessed, my parents were quite accommodating and loved me and liked making me happy, so they’d do sweet things for me. One of the sweetest things in childhood memory were the yearly trips to the Kentucky Horse Park, which was a few hours away from my home. Prior to the first visit, I had no idea such a place existed. It was as if somebody sat down one day and asked “what sort of park would be perfect for little girls all over the world? Ah, yes! One that was focused primarily on horsies! You can watch them, pet them, ride them, learn about them, pet them… My god – I am a GENIUS!” So Kentucky, being a state well-known for horses for some reason, set aside thousands of acres in the “blue grass” region, and opened up a park devoted to the magnificent equine.
It’s a well-known fact that it’s very difficult to train a cat. Some people say it’s because cats are too smart to be trained. Now I may not know why it’s so hard, but that definitely isn’t the reason. Cats aren’t smart animals. They might be sneaky enough to trick you into thinking they’re of a superior intelligence, but just because they can pee in my toilet and open my cabinets, I won’t be fooled. They’re stupid, they have nothing to do all day, and they can jump on top of anything. It is a perfect storm of potential for a cat-tastrophe.
Anyway, I’d often wondered if my thick-headed felines knew what their names are. Sure, sometimes they turn when I yell their name, but maybe they’re just turning at the yelling. Or maybe they know by the tone of my voice that they’re doing something wrong. Or maybe they just already knew they were doing something wrong, and reacted in a panic to the loudest noise. I’ll never actually figure it out, but I try sometimes.
Mysteries of the Unknown is a Time-Life Series of books published from 1987 to 1991. They’re amazing. They focus on all things paranormal and weird as shit. For some reason, these books were a gigantic hit. They broke every record Time-Life had when they were produced, and they’re famous for the wacky commercials. Atlas Obscura wrote this great thing about them.
Well, I happen to have some of these books and I can impart this wisdom straight from its pages into your eyes. I have inherited these books from my father and 7 of the set of 33 remain. The others are probably somewhere in storage.
The first book I checked out was Mind Over Matter. This book is primarily about psychokinesis, the act of or ability to influence physical objects with your mind. In my experience, most people believe this stuff as children. Some kids (or nerd adults) try to use the force, some people try to make stuff happen with their mind, and my roommate used to believe that his airplane would fall down if there were enough negative thoughts by the passengers. Totally reasonable.
This twisted rug is proof.
The humble kazoo often goes unrecognized by many. We’ve all heard of guitars and drums, flutes and trumpets, harps and pianos. But the kazoo is the best American instrument out there. So here’s a patriotic tribute to the kazoo.
There a quite a few instruments attributed to the good ol’ USA. But, do you really consider the electric guitar totally separate from the guitar? Probably only if you play one. And although the banjo was popularized in America, its origins lie in Africa. A jug is also listed, but come on. Sometimes I use my pots and pans as instruments but I am not going to list them on Wikipedia please.
The human celebrity is a creature that is much sought-after indeed. For whatever reason, these celebrity people have given up any chance of privacy or normal living so that they can be recognized wherever they go, mobbed by crowds of frightening strangers, followed by photographers, ambushed by undercover police, and hunted by stalkers. I suppose they enjoy all of that attention, and of course also the millions of dollars that are delivered to them by dump truck every morning. It would be all peaches and sunshine if these famous people could get attention, cash dollars, and sprawling mansions without having to feel annoyed or even occasionally terrified. It would be rainbows and roses if they could only be seen in clubs and restaurants and gated communities where only other pretty people with equal levels of wealth and fame could see each other and they’d never ever be bothered by gross icky nobodies like the rest of us.
However, this is simply not the case.
Modern celebrities must indulge us by appearing to be reasonably nice and approachable (preferably without having to demonstrate these traits too often) because if they do not, then their beloved popularity can suffer. And popularity is very, very important. If they fall out of favor, it is sometimes quite difficult to ever return to their former glory.
I am going to explain to you all how to wheedle yourselves into the lives of any celebrity of your choosing by coming across as charming, lovely, and worthwhile through written letters. You’ll thank me when this is all over, although I may get some anger from the famous person quadrant if you don’t get it right, so please pay attention.
There are a lot of methods for organizing yourself out there, especially lately. Sure, we’ve always had to-do lists and calendars and sticky notes, but now we have Bullet Journal and things like Evernote. Some people, as always, still use the Being An Adult Human and Both Remembering and Accomplishing Everything Without a Crazy List and Notebook Procedure, or The Sandy Cohen, as I like to call it.
Here at Sneer Campaign, we do not use any of those above methods. That is because we have our very own fool-proof system for organization.
Breaking news! This just in! Stop the presses, stop EVERY press! We have made the discovery of the century: Ryan Gosling, famous actor, is in fact really a secret time-traveler who is moonlighting as an actor! And what is more: he is the great-grandfather of my very own real life actual living breathing friend, another Amanda!
I will cool it with the exclamation points, but I refuse to calm down.
This other Amanda, whom I have been close to since the year 1988, did not realize that her great-grandfather was Ryan Gosling until very recently when she showed us a photograph of him in his “younger days.” I wish her great-grandmother was still alive so that we could ask her if her husband ever acted strangely, accidentally using terms and lingo from now-times, although she would not realize that is what he was doing. And I would like to ask Ryan Gosling-now how he is doing this. When does he find the time to time travel? Does it ever weird him out to know that he apparently grows old and dies in these other lives? How many alternate lives in history is he currently living? Is the Ryan Gosling we THINK we know actually from the future? Or from the past and has been to the future and is using future knowledge in order to be “lucky” in show biz? What is even happening I’m scared to think about all of this!
I am sure you all want to see what it is that has got me all whirled up in a tizzy, so here it is: THE PICTURE.
Incredible. Good job having such a great great-grandad, Friend Amanda. But too bad you can never think of Ryan Gosling in the same way, filled with romantic notions, again.
(You can read the first installment of Diary of an Ant Farm here.)
Day 11: It turns out they were all just hiding. What a pleas-ant surprise.
Day 12: The ants start freaking out again. Inaudible screams, frantic running, the whole shebang. We may have been breathing on them a little. Sorry, ants. They calm down after a while and go back to digging.