The human celebrity is a creature that is much sought-after indeed. For whatever reason, these celebrity people have given up any chance of privacy or normal living so that they can be recognized wherever they go, mobbed by crowds of frightening strangers, followed by photographers, ambushed by undercover police, and hunted by stalkers. I suppose they enjoy all of that attention, and of course also the millions of dollars that are delivered to them by dump truck every morning. It would be all peaches and sunshine if these famous people could get attention, cash dollars, and sprawling mansions without having to feel annoyed or even occasionally terrified. It would be rainbows and roses if they could only be seen in clubs and restaurants and gated communities where only other pretty people with equal levels of wealth and fame could see each other and they’d never ever be bothered by gross icky nobodies like the rest of us.
However, this is simply not the case.
Modern celebrities must indulge us by appearing to be reasonably nice and approachable (preferably without having to demonstrate these traits too often) because if they do not, then their beloved popularity can suffer. And popularity is very, very important. If they fall out of favor, it is sometimes quite difficult to ever return to their former glory.
I am going to explain to you all how to wheedle yourselves into the lives of any celebrity of your choosing by coming across as charming, lovely, and worthwhile through written letters. You’ll thank me when this is all over, although I may get some anger from the famous person quadrant if you don’t get it right, so please pay attention.
There are a lot of methods for organizing yourself out there, especially lately. Sure, we’ve always had to-do lists and calendars and sticky notes, but now we have Bullet Journal and things like Evernote. Some people, as always, still use the Being An Adult Human and Both Remembering and Accomplishing Everything Without a Crazy List and Notebook Procedure, or The Sandy Cohen, as I like to call it.
Here at Sneer Campaign, we do not use any of those above methods. That is because we have our very own fool-proof system for organization.
Breaking news! This just in! Stop the presses, stop EVERY press! We have made the discovery of the century: Ryan Gosling, famous actor, is in fact really a secret time-traveler who is moonlighting as an actor! And what is more: he is the great-grandfather of my very own real life actual living breathing friend, another Amanda!
I will cool it with the exclamation points, but I refuse to calm down.
This other Amanda, whom I have been close to since the year 1988, did not realize that her great-grandfather was Ryan Gosling until very recently when she showed us a photograph of him in his “younger days.” I wish her great-grandmother was still alive so that we could ask her if her husband ever acted strangely, accidentally using terms and lingo from now-times, although she would not realize that is what he was doing. And I would like to ask Ryan Gosling-now how he is doing this. When does he find the time to time travel? Does it ever weird him out to know that he apparently grows old and dies in these other lives? How many alternate lives in history is he currently living? Is the Ryan Gosling we THINK we know actually from the future? Or from the past and has been to the future and is using future knowledge in order to be “lucky” in show biz? What is even happening I’m scared to think about all of this!
I am sure you all want to see what it is that has got me all whirled up in a tizzy, so here it is: THE PICTURE.
Incredible. Good job having such a great great-grandad, Friend Amanda. But too bad you can never think of Ryan Gosling in the same way, filled with romantic notions, again.
(You can read the first installment of Diary of an Ant Farm here.)
Day 11: It turns out they were all just hiding. What a pleas-ant surprise.
Day 12: The ants start freaking out again. Inaudible screams, frantic running, the whole shebang. We may have been breathing on them a little. Sorry, ants. They calm down after a while and go back to digging.
Do you like Seinfeld, trivia, and board games? Chances are pretty good that you do.
Now that Seinfeld is on Hulu (yes, all of it), here I am, providing you with information about a much-needed Seinfeld accessory. What good is loving it, if you can’t prove it to your friends?
This isn’t just a trivia game, it’s a board game, meaning it is the best of both worlds in nerdery. The game boasts more than 500 trivia questions. The questions come in two forms: easy and hard. However, the difficulty differences are indistinguishable and whether you know the answer will be due to a combination of chance, having even seen that episode (if you’re not a super fan), and memory skills.
Day 1: We have received the ant farm and have filled it with the accompanying perlite. The harvester ants are coming from California, and will arrive on Day 2, by mail. About 30 ants should arrive, hopefully with their life and limbs intact, according to the documentation provided.
Day 2: The ants are here. 20 dead. The rest, about 25 alive, look visibly upset. Since they left their travel tube they have been cleaning the stink of the dead off of themselves. They also appear hungry and thirsty. We give them some walnut crumbs and they go to town. They drink up some water out of a wet cotton ball. Satiated, some rest and some start to dig.