If there’s one thing we can count on humanity for, it’s us doing what we think is best for us at the moment no matter what. For example, studies show that two-thirds of all automobiles in junkyards have worn-out horns but blinker bulbs that have never been used. In fact, no turn signal bulbs have been manufactured in the United States since 1961; they’re just pulled from scrapped cars and put directly into new ones. The cockroaches that shall inherit the Earth from us in about five years will still be using them in their vermin wagons.
Many people, estimates vary from approximately 1 to 99 percent, believe in some form of spirituality. This can take many forms, from collecting weapons-grade scented candles to replacing the exhaust system on your lifted full-size crew cab pickup with devices that make the engine louder and spew black smoke like a violently deadlocked papal conclave. The Romans believed in a single specific god for just about each and every specific element of their lives, because they stole it from the Greeks. So I’m stealing it from the Romans, because the Greeks gave us pitas . Here are some of the gods who help us through modern life. The previous list can be found here.
Sorry about bringing up clowns again, so soon, and outside of Halloween Season, and it’s not like I even love clowns all that much! And I’m not even saying that I am obsessed with them, but even so — obsessions don’t understand your notions of there being appropriate times or places. In fact, an obsession wouldn’t comprehend the word “inappropriate” at all, or “creepy” for that matter. And neither do I!
Anyway, I saw this beautiful gif the other day, while I was living on the internet as I do, and I became mesmerized with a thought. Mr. Rogers was a good man, a saint, and is very definitely a saint in our Sneerholic pantheon. He represents all that can be good in the world and is without blame. You know how we feel about him. On the other hand, clowns are commonly known to be evil, I guess, in these modern times. They are frightening and often up to no good. ALLEGEDLY. There are plenty of kind clowns out there, clowning for the sick and in parades, but every single one of us suspects their motives. Each of us wonders what possibly-literal skeletons are in the closets of their murderhouses. Thanks, John Wayne Gacy!
We are not a religious bunch of people. We are barely even spiritual. I’d characterize us each as people who are interested in simply being good, maybe even beyond reproach. Maybe some of the Junior Sneerists just bump along, existing until inevitably dying and turning to dust. That is to say, this was all the case until we discovered some rubble that was once a temple. Within that rubble were complete sketches of how the temple once looked, and mostly-indecipherable texts describing the rituals and beliefs of the worshipers who once populated this place.
The temple may be a metaphor, but the religion is real: Sneerholicism
Happy birthday, David Attenborough! And happy David Attenborough’s Birthday to all of you out there in Sneeryland. I am sure you all know of this legend, this gift to the world, and have watched all five million documentaries he has been a part of. An inspiration both far and wide, his love of travel and dedication to studying and sharing knowledge about animals and the natural world is a glorious thing to behold, and characteristics we would all do well to embrace, ourselves. Each and every one of us.
Below, you will find a coloring page that shows just a few of the animals he has seen with his own eyes: tortoise, various birds of paradise, zedbra, bat, sugarglider, gerenuk, tree frog, red panda, sifaka lemur, marmoset, monarch butterfly. And one he hasn’t seen alive: the trilobite. Also, behind them all in pieces are forest, desert, tundra, grassland, and marine ecosystems. I tell you this because it might be hard to tell, and might help you in your coloring efforts. This drawing is a loving, yet meager attempt to show just a little of what he has seen, this great man who is very probably the most-traveled human being to ever exist.
On April 5, 1908, little Ruth E. Davis was born in Massachusetts. Always strong-willed and determined, she eventually became a great actress in many classic films and even on stage. She is iconic, an inspiration. Her self-esteem is its own legend and her willingness to be forthright and not at all shy about voicing unpopular opinions must have been very liberating. She’s our chosen face of Sneer Campaign, and we reference her in our daily lives as much as we can.
This brings us to this day, one of the most important religious holidays for us. Although celebrated around the world, the suggested activities are somewhat new and traditions are still being formed for St. Bette Day. However, there are some things that are always appropriate. You can do one of these, or do them all in a whirlwind that other people will have to remember for you because you’ll be having too much fun. You’ll have to just remember April 6th, the Day of the Strangely Satisfying Hangover. No regrets!
Although I am a devout disciple of Mr. Rogers, the kindest, gentlest soul to grace the world with his presence in our lifetimes, I am only human. I am flawed. And I strive every day to not be 100% horrible. I really try to be only half horrible at most. I swear! I even read Mr. Rogers’ quotes every single day because I have a Daily Mr. Rogers’ Quotes Calendar! But on days when I am struggling, I have friends who help me. Or sometimes they encourage me to be awful. But on the day of this comic presented to you, AlexT was in a beatific mood and bestowed upon me (and all of you now too) magnanimous wisdom. Because he is nice.
Sometimes I think of this advice on my own, when I am alone in my struggle. Sometimes I even give this advice to other people, when I am at my best. And now you can print out this comic and hang it next to your mirror at home, and look at it every day as a reminder to be good.
It’s that time of year again, the Dollissiest day of the calendar! Last year, the very first celebration on this site of this holy day was a thundering success. Paper Dollissas were THE most popular toy among children aged 4-104, and it is no surprise. Everyone loves paper dolls.
This year I decided to simply draw our little world in the style of Richard Scarry, who happens to have been born on a June 5th, himself, and also happens to be one of Dollissa’s favorite illustrators! For some reason, I was never exposed to Busytown very much at all, even though it has been around since the 1960s, but I can easily imagine the Sneer Planet through the Scarry Lens. In fact, after drawing this today, I can imagine the normal human earth world through the Scarry Lens. I am not entirely displeased.
Fred McFeely Rogers was born on March 20, 1928. He was the star of the smash hit children’s television program, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Mr. Rogers wasn’t a children’s show host, or a character designed to attract viewers. He was just his honest self: an angelic being sent to earth who didn’t like what he saw being offered on television and so decided to do something about it. He is a constant source of inspiration to anyone who has taken the time to watch his show or read his quotes. In fact, when I am deeply mired in the blues concerning the state of current events, I can watch one of his shows, or even just remind myself that Mr. Rogers ever existed, and I remember that there can be things in the world that are just purely good.
I encourage us all to be more like Mr. Rogers. Not more like he was in mannerism, but more like he was in essence. Celebrate him today (and at least once a week from here on out) by printing out the page below, and watching episodes wherever you can find them. It’s okay if you skip over the Land of Make Believe, though. That part really was for children to learn simple lessons. The rest of his show, though, still carries important truths for anyone at any age.
I had a dream not so long ago that I was in a very nice but strange house that was hosting a casual sort of cocktail party. I found a study and tried to use the phone to call someone to come to get me, but, as usual, couldn’t remember any phone numbers or dial correctly. After a while, Carl Sagan came into the room. I was in his house! He explained to me that we live simultaneous lives across many, many realities and even though you might die in some of them, you still live on in others. He also mentioned that when we sleep, sometimes we dream, and sometimes we just visit other realities, and that I wasn’t exactly dreaming here, in this dream. All of the explanations included nifty graphics. And he wasn’t very old, so there was talk about the way timelines work or something. He was very nice. I was given snacks.
In celebration of this, my very real religious experience, and in celebration of Carl Sagan’s birthday (November 9th of every year), I have drawn him as every one of the Sailor Scouts. From Sagan Mercury to Sagan Pluto, he inspires us, protects us, and brings us peace in our daily lives.
It has been six months and one day since the glorious founding of this Internet website you are on right this very moment, and oh so much has happened in that time. The earth-shattering effects we have had on all of your lives, fashion, industry, and society as a whole have been very remarkable, indeed. And in our own lives, we have taken the adulation of adoring fans and attention from intrusive paparazzi in stride. It is the life we were always meant to live.
Hello, future chronologists and biographers! We speak to you from out of the mists of the Past, and it is exciting, because after all that has happened in the first half of one year, we can’t begin to imagine what monumental happenings will follow! Well, yes we can, but that will probably become another post some day.
Meanwhile, we have decided to list some of the more important events in the nifty little image below: