It’s the goddamn future! We were expecting a lot of cool things, but all I ever hear is where are our jetpacks and where are the hoverboards? Well I want some other stuff, I have no intention of flying around. I want things that make life actually easier! I want my instant gratification to be more than instant! Struggling and hard work should be part of the tedious, awful past! We have things to do that we would rather have finished long ago. Chores are antiquated. Effort is so old-fashioned.

now!

Let’s get down to business. And by that I mean you should start a business and please make these for me.

 

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masks

When two friends hold a casual conversation, sometimes it turns into an unexpected confession. Sometimes, it is revealed that one or both of the conversationalists are terrible people, on the inside. In this real life chat that really did happen, cchris seems like he is maybe worried, or at least taking mental notes for some purpose or another, but I’m sure I was just saying what he had already thought for himself before. I’m CERTAIN.

Please, enjoy this comic. And please, don’t run away from me.

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31 YEARS OLD

The first documented instance of Dollissa Day was held in Sunrise, Florida, in 1986. Two cultures came together to celebrate this birth event of a teeny tiny Jewish-Puerto Rican baby who was no larger than a thimble. Her small size was a surprise to one and all because a C-section had been ordered. A humble granite marker will soon mark the operating room in which this miracle was performed, courtesy of the enthusiastic support of the entire population of the town.

Being an accomplished world traveler, several locations around the world have shrines dedicated to places where she has sat and complained, and to other places where she has fallen over and injured herself in seemingly impossible ways. From Natal to Las Vegas, including Turks and Caicos, Machu Picchu, Italy, and Israel, good people gather ’round to tell stories of her achievements, and boast of personal contact and interactions that they may have experienced.

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The International Co-operative Corporation for Corporate Cash Enbiggenment (ICCCCE) today announced a new initiative described as a “beautification and cultural enhancement project, which would have poor people phased out of existence by 2025.

In a press conference earlier today, ICCCCE Chairman Rich Dubloon said that he’d first noticed the issue when dropping his children off to play with some economically disadvantaged friends they had met during a cultural exchange at their prestigious private school.

“I bought the school immediately, don’t you know. Put a stop to that rot!” said Dubloon. “Now you might call me a right old fashioned sort but I didn’t realise these sorts of scallywags exist, you see! I’d seen them in pictures and at the talkies but damned if I didn’t think they weren’t make-pretend! A contrivance, you see!”

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Almanac Cover

According to the ancient art of Almanackery, each day of every year is not just a good day to do a thing, but it is the BEST day to do it. Previous almanacs are there to tell a farmer when to plan certain seeds, or slaughter certain animals, or any number of extremely useful things. I’m not sure if doing these things on certain days mean that the activity will go smoothly, or maybe grant abundant crops, or… maybe it gives the farmer good luck, generally? Maybe they appease the almanac gods by going along with their whims of the year.

The good news is that we at the Old Sneerist Almanac have come up with dates and activities that are actually useful to YOU, Junior Sneerists and well-wishers! We used the twin sciences of Intuition and Deadlines to conjure up a perfect year for you. Not all activities will apply to you, each entry is simply a fact that you can cash in on. Following our calendar will bestow you with general good luck, a lack of negative consequences for your actions, and/or praise. You can’t lose! And if at any point you feel like you are losing, remind yourself that any time you suffer, you will be rewarded with dizzying success at a later date. Everything’s okay!

Print out each month below, as you need to. Good luck, Sneeros! We love you.

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Santa Claus knows how to live. He has a wonderfully cozy home in the Land of Igloos, unlimited cookie access, and Mrs. Claus makes him a Christmas Dinner almost every night. He doesn’t have to do anything that exerts him physically because he has a legion of well-paid elves to do his bidding. Unfortunately, this rich lifestyle can lead to health problems.

Santa is becoming a little “jollier than usual” if you catch my drift.

Realistic Santa

 

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We’re living at a great tipping point in the labor market. As workers demand more and more rights, and customers expect increasingly good service, many business owners are caught between a rock and a hard place. “Innovation is our only solution,” says Japanese executive Ishiara See-Iyo.

Jobs flowed out of the United States due to costs, and many companies are demanding better conditions for workers in China. Automation and the use of robots alongside other emerging technologies provides some new options, but often requires enormous overhauls and retrofitting. Mr. See-Iyo saw that deploying new resources into his business’s existing space was key. “Your shop can’t be ugly to accommodate your robot. Even if there isn’t a smiling person to greet them at the door, people expect a level of warmth that technology simply can’t provide.”

“Mankind lived hunting and gathering. Then we lived as farmers. Now we do an immeasurable number of things. Cats were undomesticated. Now they’re domesticated. They’re smarter than ever. Of course it makes sense that they too have an opportunity to enter the labor market.” Titans of industry are incredulous of See-Iyo’s plans and methods, but they’re dying to know his secrets.

According to industry insiders, private investors have been offering millions to See-Iyo. “Industry insiders are betting their Benjamins that this man has the proper training programs for a cat to pack your next Amazon order, to serve your burger at McDonald’s, be your next Uber driver, or even serve drinks on your next flight.”

haircut and the captain

 

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As we all know, every celebrity has a pet cause, some charity or other philanthropic organization that they tirelessly champion by mentioning it in talk show appearances up to three times. I personally have been long considering becoming a celebrity, although while it would be fun to get paid seventeen million dollars to recite lines in a near-monotone then talk in interviews about “the craft of acting,” the downside is that I would probably have to at least visit California, which means I’d be facing death by mudslide.

haun

However, mudslide relief would not be my charity of choice were I to become a celebrity. No, I have come across something much bigger, something that is an enormous threat to the well-being of our teens. And that something is: Moonflower Abuse.

 

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We are not short on dreams here at the Sneer Campaign. We have many sleep-dreams, of course, but possibly even more than that, we have irl dreams. You may call them flights of fancy, if you wish. You could even call them mere whims. But don’t let these terms cause you to think that we are fickle, or idle dreamers. Everything we daydream, we really do want. Sometimes, the want CONSUMES us.

The other day, while shopping for the future Sneer Headquarters, I happened upon a listing that brought light into my life. I immediately sent it to Dollissa with the message, “I never wanted to own a deli until this moment.” Of course she instantly replied: “me2.” That’s all it takes to turn a notion into a rock solid life plan.

Deli

So, hello world. The sneer campaign will almost 100% definitely be brought to you from above a deli that we own and possibly run into the ground. Well. We’d run it into the ground if it was just a standard deli, which of course it wouldn’t be because who dreams of opening a standard deli? Our future success depends entirely on which name and identity we give ourselves. In this modern world of branding, everything depends on this so much more than the quality of foods we offer.

 

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If you got through April unscathed, congratulations! Even though we are still in retrograde season, Jupiter will get back to the swing of things on the 9th and things should be letting up later on this month a bit since Mercury will go direct on the 22nd. That should help a lot. Honestly, retrogrades can be a wonderful thing if you can slow down and go within. If you try to push things, you will inevitably run into obstacles. This will affect each sign differently. In addition to looking up your Sun Sign, read into your Rising (your Ascendant) and Moon signs as well. Remember, these combine mostly Tarot with a bit of Astrology sprinkled in.

tarotscopes

If you would like a reading that is specific to you, please contact me either by liking me on my Facebook page Tarot By Tonyana or hitting Sneer Campaign’s sidebar with my name, which will take you directly to my Etsy shop.

 

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