We are not a religious bunch of people. We are barely even spiritual. I’d characterize us each as people who are interested in simply being good, maybe even beyond reproach. Maybe some of the Junior Sneerists just bump along, existing until inevitably dying and turning to dust. That is to say, this was all the case until we discovered some rubble that was once a temple. Within that rubble were complete sketches of how the temple once looked, and mostly-indecipherable texts describing the rituals and beliefs of the worshipers who once populated this place.

The temple may be a metaphor, but the religion is real: Sneerholicism

pray

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How many people here love murder-mystery shows? Raise your hands. Now, how many of you SHOULD love murder-mystery shows? I am going to suppose you have all raised your hands because that would be the truthful thing to do and we live in a world of honesty. Speaking of honesty, I will honestly tell you right here and now that Columbo is the finest television program in this genre of television show. It is also probably the finest program of the 1970s. You cannot dispute this fact with me because I will not hear otherwise.

hooray

 

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colorrrr

Happy birthday, David Attenborough! And happy David Attenborough’s Birthday to all of you out there in Sneeryland. I am sure you all know of this legend, this gift to the world, and have watched all five million documentaries he has been a part of. An inspiration both far and wide, his love of travel and dedication to studying and sharing knowledge about animals and the natural world is a glorious thing to behold, and characteristics we would all do well to embrace, ourselves. Each and every one of us.

Below, you will find a coloring page that shows just a few of the animals he has seen with his own eyes: tortoise, various birds of paradise, zedbra, bat, sugarglider, gerenuk, tree frog, red panda, sifaka lemur, marmoset, monarch butterfly. And one he hasn’t seen alive: the trilobite. Also, behind them all in pieces are forest, desert, tundra, grassland, and marine ecosystems. I tell you this because it might be hard to tell, and might help you in your coloring efforts. This drawing is a loving, yet meager attempt to show just a little of what he has seen, this great man who is very probably the most-traveled human being to ever exist.

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On April 5, 1908, little Ruth E. Davis was born in Massachusetts. Always strong-willed and determined, she eventually became a great actress in many classic films and even on stage. She is iconic, an inspiration. Her self-esteem is its own legend and her willingness to be forthright and not at all shy about voicing unpopular opinions must have been very liberating. She’s our chosen face of Sneer Campaign, and we reference her in our daily lives as much as we can.

This brings us to this day, one of the most important religious holidays for us. Although celebrated around the world, the suggested activities are somewhat new and traditions are still being formed for St. Bette Day. However, there are some things that are always appropriate. You can do one of these, or do them all in a whirlwind that other people will have to remember for you because you’ll be having too much fun. You’ll have to just remember April 6th, the Day of the Strangely Satisfying Hangover. No regrets!

happy betteday

 

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Nursery rhymes are a staple for most of us as we grow up. They are age-old classics from yester-century, usually, with some modernizations and updates so that we aren’t teaching children about drowning kittens in wells like it’s just a thing boys happen to do, so here’s a cute little rhyme about it. Or, oh here’s some nightmare fodder about the clumsy egg man who died.

It seems that Mother Goose lived sometime in the 1800s, made a collection of poems for children, and that was that. No one ever tried again because why mess with perfection, I assume they thought. Well except for modern day poets such as Andrew Dice Clay, who I understand modernized nursery rhymes in a more ribald sense. But that is of no use to anyone, anymore.

Luckily for us all, we at the Sneer Campaign have unearthed some “new” versions of beloved nursery rhymes, which the sophisticated children of the 1920s and 1930s enjoyed and learned from. Their lessons were timeless and universal, so children of today will benefit just as well. In fact, the children of today will benefit even more because modern kids have not a lick of urbanity or savoir-faire. So have their nannies and au pairs strap them down and force them to recite these poems. It builds the right kind of character that the world desperately needs!

 

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Schools are teaching special lessons, internet memes are casting aspersions and changing public opinions, mattresses are on sale – that’s right, it’s another Monday-observed holiday, but this one is wonderful!

Columbo Day is when families gather around their televisions to marathon-watch episodes ofColumbo on Netflix, YouTube, or from your personal collection of the complete Columbo DVDs! We are slowly introducing the newest tradition over the next twenty-four years: the Columbo Discovers America coloring book, one page released per year. This is the second, highly anticipated page.

Spoiler: In the end, America actually discovers Columbo, and everyone’s lives are improved dramatically. Happy coloring! Click to enlarge the picture and for printing!

columbo day

Sound Advice

Although I am a devout disciple of Mr. Rogers, the kindest, gentlest soul to grace the world with his presence in our lifetimes, I am only human. I am flawed. And I strive every day to not be 100% horrible. I really try to be only half horrible at most. I swear! I even read Mr. Rogers’ quotes every single day because I have a Daily Mr. Rogers’ Quotes Calendar! But on days when I am struggling, I have friends who help me. Or sometimes they encourage me to be awful. But on the day of this comic presented to you, AlexT was in a beatific mood and bestowed upon me (and all of you now too) magnanimous wisdom. Because he is nice.

Sometimes I think of this advice on my own, when I am alone in my struggle. Sometimes I even give this advice to other people, when I am at my best. And now you can print out this comic and hang it next to your mirror at home, and look at it every day as a reminder to be good.

 

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In the 1980s, Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage. Families tore apart other families in order to “adopt” one of these things in time for Christmas. Some people even to this day have lost their minds to the extent that they pretend their Cabbage Patch Dolls are their actual children. I saw it on a documentary once! It’s true!

As a reaction to the doll fervor, some other people created “Garbage Pail Kids,” which were completely based on the dolls but super gross in that way that many things from the ’80s were. They were rude, and crude, and on the Trapper Keepers of many children at school. Parents hated them, people with an ounce of delicate sophistication hated them, and the Cabbage Patch company hated them. But who cares about those people, right??

A lesser known reaction to the Garbage Pail Kids happened though, and we have unearthed these valuable collector cards ourselves. Over time, we will show you each of these gorgeous Garbo Pail Kids. So elegant that no one was offended, and that lack of offense caused them to be underappreciated and obscure. Not anymore! They were ahead of their time, and also like fifty years behind their other time. Well, 2016 is long enough from both times for them to be their new time! Their REAL time! What IS time, anyway? Halp!

Greta Garbage

Mr Rogers

Fred McFeely Rogers was born on March 20, 1928. He was the star of the smash hit children’s television program, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Mr. Rogers wasn’t a children’s show host, or a character designed to attract viewers. He was just his honest self: an angelic being sent to earth who didn’t like what he saw being offered on television and so decided to do something about it. He is a constant source of inspiration to anyone who has taken the time to watch his show or read his quotes. In fact, when I am deeply mired in the blues concerning the state of current events, I can watch one of his shows, or even just remind myself that Mr. Rogers ever existed, and I remember that there can be things in the world that are just purely good.

I encourage us all to be more like Mr. Rogers. Not more like he was in mannerism, but more like he was in essence. Celebrate him today (and at least once a week from here on out) by printing out the page below, and watching episodes wherever you can find them. It’s okay if you skip over the Land of Make Believe, though. That part really was for children to learn simple lessons. The rest of his show, though, still carries important truths for anyone at any age.

 

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In the 1980s, Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage. Families tore apart other families in order to “adopt” one of these things in time for Christmas. Some people even to this day have lost their minds to the extent that they pretend their Cabbage Patch Dolls are their actual children. I saw it on a documentary once! It’s true!

As a reaction to the doll fervor, some other people created “Garbage Pail Kids,” which were completely based on the dolls but super gross in that way that many things from the ’80s were. They were rude, and crude, and on the Trapper Keepers of many children at school. Parents hated them, people with an ounce of delicate sophistication hated them, and the Cabbage Patch company hated them. But who cares about those people, right??

A lesser known reaction to the Garbage Pail Kids happened though, and we have unearthed these valuable collector cards ourselves. Over time, we will show you each of these gorgeous Garbo Pail Kids. So elegant that no one was offended, and that lack of offense caused them to be underappreciated and obscure. Not anymore! They were ahead of their time, and also like fifty years behind their other time. Well 2016 is long enough from both times for them to be their new time! Their REAL time! What IS time, anyway?  Halp!

Greta Gordo Lardo