Sure, the Sneer Campaign is the Sun and the Moon, but did you know that we are also all the stars in the sky? Of course you knew! It’s written in your heart. And now it is also written in this soon to be award-winning content which you are now reading in your eyes. Next time you are trapped outdoors just turn your eyes to the skies. If it’s not too cloudy out, we’ll help you find some legendary and practically unknown constellations up there. Find a nice grassy spot with few trees, so you can look right up, and follow our guide.
Look kids, Vegas Vic! Whaddya know, it’s the Bellagio Fountains still! Again! So, we decided to sneer in an extended vacation episode, like any good sitcom in its second season.
Horses are really pretty. I like to look at them and to pet their noses and feed them carrots and sugar and stuff like that. I also have been known to want to braid their hair and brush them until they shine. This is natural. I am a girl, after all. I was never too into the idea of riding them or trimming their feet or training them or whatever. I possess something of a slight fear of them, honestly, but I think it’s because I think too much and dwell on things like “that animal is way a lot larger than me and it wears metal on its feet, who am I to tell it what to do?” I call it common sense. Horse sense.
When I was a little girl, though, I didn’t realize that horses could be scary or dangerous, so I collected figurines of them and read about them and liked to see them and claimed that I really wanted to learn to ride them. I also wanted, and got, a few ponies in my time. Actually, those ponies were what taught me that equines are nice to look at but I wouldn’t want to live there.
As you might have guessed, my parents were quite accommodating and loved me and liked making me happy, so they’d do sweet things for me. One of the sweetest things in childhood memory were the yearly trips to the Kentucky Horse Park, which was a few hours away from my home. Prior to the first visit, I had no idea such a place existed. It was as if somebody sat down one day and asked “what sort of park would be perfect for little girls all over the world? Ah, yes! One that was focused primarily on horsies! You can watch them, pet them, ride them, learn about them, pet them… My god – I am a GENIUS!” So Kentucky, being a state well-known for horses for some reason, set aside thousands of acres in the “blue grass” region, and opened up a park devoted to the magnificent equine.
Presented by Ringmasters Dollissa and Amandoll
House of Broken Mirrors and Dreams
Bouncy House of Cellulite and Shame
Mini Train Ride around Sneerland (Sassy Commentary included)
Swarm of Bees Ferris Wheel
Challenging Game Booths:
Chicken Ring Toss
Ball Throw & Daisy Bowl
Spin the Wheel of Insults
Test Your Inner Strength
Win a chicken! Press it to your mouth
Win a daisy! Press it to your mouth, too
Win a caricature! Hide it under your bed
Ventriloquist Demandoll with Dummy Canadian Chris
“No, YOU’re the dummy, and your dress is so 2001!”
Steven the Talking Horse
“I’m an anarchist.”
Smirk de Soleil: The Circus of Sneer
Sneer Clowns Leap, Tumble, and Swing Around the Big Top
What’s that you say? You wish you had a brand new paper doll to play with? And you wish it would reflect your interests… Or, dare I say, your unhealthy obsessions? Am I talking to you or talking into the mirror? It doesn’t matter because I just wanted to let you know that we have once again cooked up an entertainment doll that the whole world didn’t realize it needed until it clicked into this post! That’s right. Your eyes aren’t deceiving you. We have brought you a Secretariat Paper Doll!
Traditionally, these sorts of dolls are fun because you, the child, get to experience the joy of dressing up a human form in fancy clothes. But we are renegades on this site, not bound by convention. We see the world through the clear, almost unsettling lens of the iconoclast. Secretariat is a STAR and you will be pleased to dress him in the fine styles that we have provided. On the page that you will need to print out, you can find such dazzling items as a matching bridle and racing saddle set. The blue checkered hood and blinker bridle makes an appearance, and is there anything that screams “trendsetter” more than a whole-jockey accessory? Included, you will find glamorous flower fashion shawls by such designers as K.Y. Derby, Preakness, and Belmont. Secretariat wore them all. And he looked STUNNING.
There are also a few miscellaneous items for use when you are feeling a little silly. Secretariat was not all business all the time. He retired when he was only four years old after all, so he had decades of goofing off. The giant horse head sized novelty Groucho Glasses represent his fun-loving side. He was often seen wearing them when he had a few too many sugar lumps. Also included are his sideways cap, outrageous necklace chains, and totally funky fresh sneaker shoes: his preferred style while trotting the streets. Finally, you’ll no doubt recognize the glorious angel wings (which you are to cut up along those little white lines and sort of slide onto his back, theoretically. If that doesn’t work, just use chewing gum or something) from And Here Comes Secretariat. These should class up your shrine very nicely, as angelic beings typically bring a taste of High Quality to any event.
Click on the image to go to the real size and print it on out.
In honor of the 141st Annual Kentucky Derby this Sunday, we are dedicating this post to one of our favorite heroes of all time: Secretariat. (You can find a Secretariat paper doll here.)
Secretariat is the greatest horse who ever lived. What an earnest and determined guy he was! Big Red, as he was sometimes known, was just about the fastest horse in the known universe (or wherever horses are!) and set records in 1973 that still stand today.
When Secretariat was born in 1970, just after midnight on March 30, nobody knew that little horse would be a household name. He became so famous beyond the racetrack that he was on the covers of Time and Newsweek. Not bad for an equine athlete! He was given to Penny Chenery after birth as the result of a coin toss agreement between the stud owner and the owner of the gentle mother of Big Red. His name was chosen by the secretary of the stable.
Secretariat raced until he was 3 years old, per his contract. Most racehorses are itty bitty little children, runnin’ in their prime. He retired at age 3 with an acclaim that only 10 other horses can boast, winning the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing in the United States.
After his death in 1989, during a necropsy (a normal procedure for a deceased horse), the veterinarian described his heart as a “huge engine.” It was estimated to be 2 ¾ times the size of an average thoroughbred racehorse’s heart. He was put down humanely after being afflicted with an often incurable disease. Unlike most racehorses, whose head, hooves, and heart are buried together, Secretariat was buried whole, an honor befitting the Saint that he is.
Should I really describe the races to you? Of course not. You should watch them, below, with very dramatic music included.