watch out

It seems like everyone goes through a phase of life where they hit that bottle hard, and Billy Holiday is no exception to this. He has some exceptional moments, however. Some peculiarities. For instance, he prefers to become inebriated by way of classic hobo wines. He’s a “Strawberry” Cisco man, for any of you keeping track. He also gets sloshed on what I feel are strange choices, such as brandy and “appletinis.” Who are you, Billy Holiday?

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In my long and illustrious career as a lifelong internet chat addict, I have collected many good friends who are also able conversationalists. This is how we happen to have all of these little comics from real chats. One of my favorite chattists is Kieron, whom you are meeting for the first time on this site today. He hails from the UK and he is always yelling about something or other. I really should talk to him more often because it is usually along these lines as you see illustrated below. So uppity, always.

Click on this image if you would like to see this fact-packed state history lesson up close in the real size.

kierons yelling again

On April 5, 1908, little Ruth E. Davis was born in Massachusetts. Always strong-willed and determined, she eventually became a great actress in many classic films and even on stage. She is iconic, an inspiration. Her self-esteem is its own legend and her willingness to be forthright and not at all shy about voicing unpopular opinions must have been very liberating. She’s our chosen face of Sneer Campaign, and we reference her in our daily lives as much as we can.

This brings us to this day, one of the most important religious holidays for us. Although celebrated around the world, the suggested activities are somewhat new and traditions are still being formed for St. Bette Day. However, there are some things that are always appropriate. You can do one of these, or do them all in a whirlwind that other people will have to remember for you because you’ll be having too much fun. You’ll have to just remember April 6th, the Day of the Strangely Satisfying Hangover. No regrets!

happy betteday

 

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the Real AlexT

I am a conversation addict. I have been chatting on the internet continuously since 1997 and sometimes I want to stop. Sometimes… But most of the time, I am so entertained that I never, ever want to stop. Not even to sleep! In an effort to make my horrible addiction seem productive and valuable, I sometimes turn snippets of my actual conversations into comics like the one here before you on this day. It makes me feel good and creative and clever and funny, even though mostly it is just showing that I can make simple drawings of my friends who are funnier than I am.

Click on the comic below in order to get a better view of the subtle nuance of our expressions. If you look at it in real size, you’ll feel like you are there! You can imagine the sounds of my arching eyebrows, the smell of AlexT’s wine-soaked words, feel the weight of that last little punchline.

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Halloween parties are mostly awful. It’s unfortunate, but it is basically how things work. The main cause for just about every shitty Halloween party is the fact that you have to invite your friends. Face it: your friends fuck everything up, even Halloween when given the opportunity. What should be a fun gathering of semi-drunk friends will almost always end up with someone vomiting on your cat, sexual harassment charges for the guy that tried to eat candy corn out of some girl’s bra, and unusually large amounts of property damage that no one wants to pay for. This isn’t even counting the amount of time it takes you to prepare the entire thing, which is more like carefully building the Jenga tower up just to watch it all fall down within three minutes. In the end, it’s just not worth it. Especially for a group of people that probably won’t remember it come morning anyway. So if this is what we can expect, why not at least be able to enjoy ourselves at the expense of these assholes anyway?

This is where we come in. Today we’ll give you all the advice you could ever want about how to host a Halloween party that will be just as much sadistic fun for you, as it is un-fun for everyone attending. After all, it’s your house. Why not be able to torture all that dare enter? Below you’ll find more than enough tips and tricks to make your Halloween party the most fun YOU’VE ever had at one. Just don’t expect anyone to talk to you for a while after. Hey, that’s another plus! So get to reading!

halloween party

 

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Dear Bernard,

Hi, please don’t shout at me. I don’t know if you’ll read this when I mail it to you, because you’ll probably leave it in a pizza box somewhere until it becomes alive. I can be your Summer Girl! The one that you wanted. I have hair! I’ll play tennis and wear dresses.

I can even do that dance you do, with you. The one where you hop around while holding your pant-legs up. Yes, the graceful drunken dance that would fill anyone with envy, lust, and confusion.

I Love You, Bernard Black by Amanda Wood

 

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horse show

Cchris seems to spend a lot of time reading archived newspapers on the internet. I do not know why because whenever I ask he either ignores the question or just signs off for prying into his personal life. Ours is a healthy dynamic. He tends to usually read from the 1980s, decade of his supposed youth, or the sleazy 1970s. For no apparent reason, on this day of our conversation, he had taken a newspaper trip all the way back to 1913 in Whitby, Ontario. I guess he read this part to me because he probably is aware that I like horses. Again, I don’t know for sure if that is why he read it to me because he doesn’t answer questions and I didn’t bother to carefully craft a sentence that could ease him into letting his guard down to accidentally reveal a precious clue to his thoughts.

But at least he was able to zing me by the end.

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grogberries

Inspiration to start a comic series strikes me at the most unexpected times. Sometimes, I actually think things up. Other times, content is handed to me, practically thrown in my lap. The comics you are seeing in this article today were of that variety. Dollissa and I, and many of the other writers you may see around here, all were at one point part of one of those quaint old-fashioned internet message boards that used to be so popular. We still spend a little time there. Well, as you read these comics below, keep in mind that every single one of them were from posts from one specific character on that forum, the author of this post (because he wrote all of the comics, and the comics wouldn’t exist without him, of course).

I found that the more I saw him post, the more I imagined that he was a horse trapped in a human body, trying to get by in a human world. As far as I know, his life is an episode of the Twilight Zone, and what I noticed about him is true.

— Amandoll

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Everyone likes to drink. It’s a goddamn American pastime as far as I know. And until casual drugs are legalized across the country, it will continue to be people’s preferred way of losing their minds in a social gathering, or just at home by themselves. It’s a great way to blow off some steam, or make your life and everyone around you slightly more tolerable. Generally, it’s a good time for all. Unfortunately a problem arises when someone just doesn’t know how to deal with drinking: the Excessive Drinker. Usually these are the people who are the loudest or most obnoxious people in the bar. They have had way too much drank, and they have no idea how to control themselves. Anyone who has been out on a weekend has seen it, and it’s not a pretty sight. Nobody wants to be that person. And we’re not going to let you become that person.

The below guide is here to help you on your way in the art of excessive alcohol consumption. What? You just thought it was as easy as taking as many shots as possible and hoping you don’t die of alcohol poisoning? That’s a big rookie mistake! Go in with that attitude and you’ll be waking up naked in the middle of an alley with a prolapsed colon in no time. No one wants that. Or at least no one SHOULD want that. Take heed of the following tips, and you’ll be able to enjoy your new-found life as an alcoholic that much more. So get those bottles lined up, we have a lot of things to cover before you get too drunk to remember any of it.

alcoholism

 

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