We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers.
Welcome to my irrational fear that makes me so uncomfortable that I have never allowed myself to think about it for very long. I wince when I consider it. Perhaps I should start with a little backstory.
When I was about seven years old, I had a series of night terrors where I would wake everyone in my family up at night because I was screaming horribly. The dream always started the same, with me being within one of five beams of light that appeared to be both moving and still, somewhat eternal or infinite I guess. But I’d be hurtling through space, then veer of towards Earth where I was suddenly me, as a child, in a weird dystopian service station somewhere. Eventually, the dream always ended when some space technology that had been harnessed and not fully understood would go haywire and there’d be repetition that was speeding up exponentially until I woke up FREAKING OUT.
I also hated (and still hate) night time windows being uncurtained because I don’t want things looking in. And also, I don’t like to look up at the night sky in case I see something I can’t explain. These things have bothered me for a really long time and there was one day in my teens that I wondered if I had been abducted, and I immediately stopped thinking about it. But by now, I worry about what if I am actually an alien and that’s why I don’t understand screaming or dancing. And why I see people in buffet lines and feel like I am observing livestock. Have I forgotten who I am and why I’m here? Have I gone totally insane, or am I just really close to it all the time? Halp.
Too often I find myself searching for a cult to join and finding only religious ones, or creepy death cults, or what could turn out to be a highly illegal sex cult. Much like shopping for trouser-pants, it’s so hard to find a perfect fit! But what is a cult? Why, it’s anything you want it to be, baybee, and therein lies the appeal.
You hear about cults a lot in the news, from time to time, and it’s everyone’s dream to be on the front page at some point. Stop waiting for Fate to strike, and instead take Destiny into your own hands. Attract people to you, make them chant and obey you, dress them however you like, and pick a snazzy name. It’s as easy as that! Enjoy the thrills of having a mass of people flock to you and believe you to be the answer to all of life’s troubles. Who needs a significant other when you can have a modest assemblage of worshipers?
Communities and cultures both small and large develop their own habits and traits. Along with their stories and traditions, superstitions tend to emerge. We are no different, of course.
When we say, “let’s post before 2 pm” it becomes almost inevitable that anything after that won’t get published until around 11:30 pm. We have to assume that any time we recruit a new writer, they will immediately get writer’s block for a few months or so. And god forbid you start your day by saying your Sneer work will be “easy.”
There are many kinds of mysteries in this confusing, mixed up world. We often find ourselves trapped in darkness, trying to solve a murder case, maybe, or seeking to understand what on the surface appears to be a supernatural phenomenon. Whole civilizations have been lost and we still don’t know why. Statues may weep tears of blood, drawing crowds of thousands of hopeful people, yearning to see a miracle.
Some mysteries are on a much smaller scale, but are no less perplexing and miraculous. Some mysteries appear on your own body! A mystery appeared on mine.
In the unending quest to understand all of the mysteries of the world, we are perhaps not as tireless as other people out there. Our lives are more dedicated to the pursuit of sneering, and also laughing (both kindly laughs and laughs that are not so nice). So a lot of the time, if we find ourselves delving into mysteries… well, maybe we aren’t being as studious and serious as the nice people who get interviewed in TV Documentaries.
There are loads of documentaries and books and even a whole movie starring Richard Gere of all people about the Mothman. AlexT and I watched one of those documentaries the other day and decided to do a little investigating of this mystery on our own! We put on our investigation bonnets, slapped a mixed CD filled with summery music into a rental car, and took a road trip straight to the Mothman Museum located in Point Pleasant, WV! That’s really all we did. We took pictures.
The museum consists of a gift shop and a room of newspaper clippings, movie props, and costumes. But we learned all that we needed to know to become experts. We have solved the mystery of what this thing was that tormented the good folk of this town. But first, we will tell you what it is not.
Beloved alien leading man, Benedict Cumberbatch, took time away from posing as a human celebrity to sit for a portrait in his natural form today. Outfitted from head to toe in the sensible attire of his peaceful home planet, Ithor, Mr. Cumberbatch is about to earn accolades from his upcoming theatrical release, Dr. Strange, which is set to be released on November 4, 2016. It promises to be successful.
Revered candlestick entertainer, Benedict Cumberbatch, took time away from posing as a human actor to sit for a portrait in his natural form today. Showcasing the only flame-resistant menswear available in his home dimension of Cumbusterbatch, the flam-beau of everyone’s dreams has recently agreed to join an all-star cast in celebrating Shakespeare’s life work on the BBC later this month.
Yeah, I know, that’s a stupid, unoriginal title. But we’ve all been so excited for so long about this reboot! Haven’t you been wondering if it was? If the truth was indeed still out there?
In spite of the obvious effects of aging, which sent me spiralling into a bout of depression involving my own mortality and the unrelenting march of Time, the show outshines the mutated, ancient façades that Duchovny and Anderson have become (I am so, so sorry guys).
The first two episodes of the new X-Files miniseries have premiered and they started by catching us up to the plot, as if we wouldn’t have all binge-watched the entire series right before the new season started to air. But right after the recap, Agent HOTFOX Mulder briefs us on UFO sightings again, which is perfect for getting us back in the X-Files mood. Yes, I believe you Mulder, I do see the government conspiracy now. I see everything. I see the truth.
I will not spoil things for you friends, so read on.
In one of his last acts on Earth, venerated celestial ungulate, David Bowie, materialized in the Sneer Studio on January 10th to pose for a portrait in his natural form. Known across the universe as the preeminent example of style and ethereal beauty, Mr Bowie is seen here adorned with a traditional chaplet from his home planet, Androgeda. The cherished icon recently experienced his 69th solar year on our planet and, today, surprised us all by heading back home with little warning.
If you’ve been living under a rock, you may not have seen the new X-Files teaser trailer.
That’s right, the smoking man is back! Along with Scully and Mulder, everyone’s favorite supernatural crime-fighting duo. Director Skinner is back! Even the original creator is back!
That’s right, Chris Carter, who showed us how great it can be when a creator stays and nurtures the show through its full run (RIP Community), now gets to show us what a proper revival is like. If you love X-Files like we do, you know how important he was to the show, in a way that not all creators are. We salute you Chris Carter!
No word yet on whether the lone gunmen will make an appearance, but here’s hoping.
See you January 24, 2016, X-Files!