The literary world is rich and full of wonder. I know that we are all avid readers of fine books and voracious readers of fine periodicals and delicious websites that offer fine journalism such as the one you are reading right this very minute. Reading what has been written is a joy that every literate person takes pleasure in, and if you know of anyone who is illiterate, why not be their hero and teach them to read? Or donate to charities, because everyone loves donating to charities!

Anyway, I am here to talk about a nursery rhyme. Adults often overlook nursery rhymes in the Land of Literature. We memorize them when we are very small, then cast them aside once we can comprehend child fictions about riding horses, or little books about not being afraid of the dark, or not being afraid of failure, or owning and riding dinosaurs, or having imaginary friends. But those first nursery rhymes are very important for us as tiny youths, and we probably still have most of them buried away in our brains, ready to be recited at the drop of any old hat anywhere.

The subjects of a lot of these nursery rhymes are actually kind of creepy. We have all heard about that one rhyme really being about the bubonic plague horrors and everyone dying. There are others too, so it stands to reason that pretty much all of these rhymes are based on adult themes and death and destruction, or in the case of that disgusting Georgie Porgie – date rape.

 

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Do you spend a lot of money in stores and online? Do you just buy whatever you want, whenever you want, regardless of price or savings that you have? Are you a window- and also store-shopper? Do you sometimes wonder why anyone allowed you to have a credit card in the first place?

Well I’m no expert, in anything, but I have some advice, as usual.

Expert Moneybags

Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be on your way to spending less in no time.

 

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Everyone likes to drink. It’s a goddamn American pastime as far as I know. And until casual drugs are legalized across the country, it will continue to be people’s preferred way of losing their minds in a social gathering, or just at home by themselves. It’s a great way to blow off some steam, or make your life and everyone around you slightly more tolerable. Generally, it’s a good time for all. Unfortunately a problem arises when someone just doesn’t know how to deal with drinking: the Excessive Drinker. Usually these are the people who are the loudest or most obnoxious people in the bar. They have had way too much drank, and they have no idea how to control themselves. Anyone who has been out on a weekend has seen it, and it’s not a pretty sight. Nobody wants to be that person. And we’re not going to let you become that person.

The below guide is here to help you on your way in the art of excessive alcohol consumption. What? You just thought it was as easy as taking as many shots as possible and hoping you don’t die of alcohol poisoning? That’s a big rookie mistake! Go in with that attitude and you’ll be waking up naked in the middle of an alley with a prolapsed colon in no time. No one wants that. Or at least no one SHOULD want that. Take heed of the following tips, and you’ll be able to enjoy your new-found life as an alcoholic that much more. So get those bottles lined up, we have a lot of things to cover before you get too drunk to remember any of it.

alcoholism

 

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Ho ho ho, or so I am told. It is Christmas Day both far and wide as I write this. Almost everyone knows everything there is to know about this Christian holiday thanks to television, movies, radio, every single store, and the mouths of anyone you might eavesdrop on. Chances are, someone you know might even celebrate it, religiously!

Here at the Sneer Campaign, we enjoy wrapping and giving gifts, and maybe one of us likes decorating a tree. I’m actually not a very Christmassy person, but Dollissa wrote about Hanukkah, so it’s my turn to take one for the team. Also, I didn’t send out cards in time, and that’s the only tradition for this holiday that I actually enjoy. Sorry!

Please accept this drawing as my card to you, everyone who missed getting real tangible mail from me this year.

Christmas Card

There was a news item out recently concerning the nature of friendships between humans and chickens. In it, the Center of Disease Control suggested that perhaps, just maybe, the new farming generation should create a more businesslike environment on their small hobby farms. Some people believe that happy chickens produce tastier, more healthful eggs, and seem to think that strong friendships are the key to happy chickens. In an effort to put the chickens at ease, they snuggle with them and apparently give them delicate smooches about the head and beak (and that is all, I hope). The CDC is totally grossed out, and AlexT, Dollissa, and I are OUTRAGED. As usual.

Chickens

 

We don’t know for sure if kissing a chicken will get it to grow a better egg. But we DO know that we are being consumed with jealousy that we don’t have chickens of our own! We like egg-based meals! We like the sounds chickens make! We have watched documentaries about these things! I even have a book about raising chickens! It is a grave injustice that out of the three, zero of us have any chicken friends.

I made a comic out of our conversation, but do not be misled. This is not a comedy chat I have drawn. It is a true modern tragedy.

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For more than 5 years I worked in a café serving coffees, sandwiches, sushi, and even Ovaltine. But mostly, I served bubble tea. After so long, nothing took longer than anything else (except sushi, which was later retired at my workplace) and I couldn’t have possibly cared what people did or didn’t order. I loved the job, worked whenever I could, made friends with coworkers and customers, and even spent most of my off-time there. But some things that customers did… some were just too much to handle.

Here I present to you, The Worst Things. Now I know that some of these things may even sound almost normal, if encountered rarely and reasonably. It didn’t happen that way! This is all the time, consistent, terrible.

 

Taking Forever to Order

Cafe Peeve #1 by Amanda Wood

Okay, it’s a café. Why don’t you already know what you wanted? Why did you come in? Did you want a coffee? Say coffee, I’ll get you one so fast it’ll make your head spin. Or did you want a bubble tea? I can make three at a time, just pick the damn flavor. We always have the same ones, most places do.

I would try to solve this one in a friendly way, by offering to recommend a drink, but that usually just resulted in a series of increasingly difficult decisions, such as iced or hot, or small or large. We would both get frustrated. At one point, for the bubble teas, we built a spinning wheel to choose flavors. Customers loved it! They would spin and then decide that they wanted the same thing they always get instead. Problem solved.

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  • no one has any smart phones
  • they don’t eat real meat anymore
  • there’s still white people
  • everyone isn’t addicted to the holodeck
  • there’s not one guy relentlessly quoting Seinfeld all the time
  • i guess i don’t really understand how a society could possibly exist without money
  • the government seems pretty efficient for the most part
  • they almost always do the right thing (as a group, anyway)
  • do they really only communicate with other ships when they are right near them?
  • everyone thinks the borg are evil but they’re just efficient. leave them alone.

Borglissa by Amanda Wood