We are not a religious bunch of people. We are barely even spiritual. I’d characterize us each as people who are interested in simply being good, maybe even beyond reproach. Maybe some of the Junior Sneerists just bump along, existing until inevitably dying and turning to dust. That is to say, this was all the case until we discovered some rubble that was once a temple. Within that rubble were complete sketches of how the temple once looked, and mostly-indecipherable texts describing the rituals and beliefs of the worshipers who once populated this place.

The temple may be a metaphor, but the religion is real: Sneerholicism

pray

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How many people here love murder-mystery shows? Raise your hands. Now, how many of you SHOULD love murder-mystery shows? I am going to suppose you have all raised your hands because that would be the truthful thing to do and we live in a world of honesty. Speaking of honesty, I will honestly tell you right here and now that Columbo is the finest television program in this genre of television show. It is also probably the finest program of the 1970s. You cannot dispute this fact with me because I will not hear otherwise.

hooray

 

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Schools are teaching special lessons, internet memes are casting aspersions and changing public opinions, mattresses are on sale – that’s right, it’s another Monday-observed holiday, but this one is wonderful!

Columbo Day is when families gather around their televisions to marathon-watch episodes ofColumbo on Netflix, YouTube, or from your personal collection of the complete Columbo DVDs! We are slowly introducing the newest tradition over the next twenty-four years: the Columbo Discovers America coloring book, one page released per year. This is the second, highly anticipated page.

Spoiler: In the end, America actually discovers Columbo, and everyone’s lives are improved dramatically. Happy coloring! Click to enlarge the picture and for printing!

columbo day

In the 1980s, Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage. Families tore apart other families in order to “adopt” one of these things in time for Christmas. Some people even to this day have lost their minds to the extent that they pretend their Cabbage Patch Dolls are their actual children. I saw it on a documentary once! It’s true!

As a reaction to the doll fervor, some other people created “Garbage Pail Kids,” which were completely based on the dolls but super gross in that way that many things from the ’80s were. They were rude, and crude, and on the Trapper Keepers of many children at school. Parents hated them, people with an ounce of delicate sophistication hated them, and the Cabbage Patch company hated them. But who cares about those people, right??

A lesser known reaction to the Garbage Pail Kids happened though, and we have unearthed these valuable collector cards ourselves. Over time, we will show you each of these gorgeous Garbo Pail Kids. So elegant that no one was offended, and that lack of offense caused them to be underappreciated and obscure. Not anymore! They were ahead of their time, and also like fifty years behind their other time. Well, 2016 is long enough from both times for them to be their new time! Their REAL time! What IS time, anyway? Halp!

Greta Garbage

Mr Rogers

Fred McFeely Rogers was born on March 20, 1928. He was the star of the smash hit children’s television program, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Mr. Rogers wasn’t a children’s show host, or a character designed to attract viewers. He was just his honest self: an angelic being sent to earth who didn’t like what he saw being offered on television and so decided to do something about it. He is a constant source of inspiration to anyone who has taken the time to watch his show or read his quotes. In fact, when I am deeply mired in the blues concerning the state of current events, I can watch one of his shows, or even just remind myself that Mr. Rogers ever existed, and I remember that there can be things in the world that are just purely good.

I encourage us all to be more like Mr. Rogers. Not more like he was in mannerism, but more like he was in essence. Celebrate him today (and at least once a week from here on out) by printing out the page below, and watching episodes wherever you can find them. It’s okay if you skip over the Land of Make Believe, though. That part really was for children to learn simple lessons. The rest of his show, though, still carries important truths for anyone at any age.

 

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In the 1980s, Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage. Families tore apart other families in order to “adopt” one of these things in time for Christmas. Some people even to this day have lost their minds to the extent that they pretend their Cabbage Patch Dolls are their actual children. I saw it on a documentary once! It’s true!

As a reaction to the doll fervor, some other people created “Garbage Pail Kids,” which were completely based on the dolls but super gross in that way that many things from the ’80s were. They were rude, and crude, and on the Trapper Keepers of many children at school. Parents hated them, people with an ounce of delicate sophistication hated them, and the Cabbage Patch company hated them. But who cares about those people, right??

A lesser known reaction to the Garbage Pail Kids happened though, and we have unearthed these valuable collector cards ourselves. Over time, we will show you each of these gorgeous Garbo Pail Kids. So elegant that no one was offended, and that lack of offense caused them to be underappreciated and obscure. Not anymore! They were ahead of their time, and also like fifty years behind their other time. Well 2016 is long enough from both times for them to be their new time! Their REAL time! What IS time, anyway?  Halp!

Greta Gordo Lardo

The banks are closed, mail isn’t running, federal employees get to stay home – that’s right, it’s another Monday-observed holiday, but this one is wonderful!

Columbo Day is when families gather around their televisions to marathon-watch episodes of Columbo on Netflix, YouTube, or from your personal collection of the complete Columbo DVDs! We are slowly going to introduce the next tradition over the next twenty-four years: the Columbo Discovers America coloring book, one page released per year.

Spoiler: In the end, America actually discovers Columbo, and everyone’s lives are improved dramatically. Happy coloring! Click to enlarge the picture and for printing!

 

Columbo Discovers America by Amanda Wood

Our favorite moody siren from the silver screen is back again in comic form! Today, she is Greta Garbfield, a wistful and somber cat who has much to say about the nature of her life. Yes, these are real quotes from the historical Garbo, untampered with, and as true today as they ever were.

Enjoy the comic. And click it for the real size, if you are so inclined.

Garbfield

Some people say that we live in an age of reason, in a world that no longer has room for religion. However, many of these people find themselves imploring some unspecified power when they are rushing to catch the bus, or trying to find their keys.

Is it a coincidence when these things work out? Nay nay, I say! We need our gods and their divine intervention, whether they created us, or we created them. Like the Greek gods of old, here are a few of the gods who serve us in our modern world.

Modern God

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