You are all familiar with the hit Netflix show Stranger Things, right? That wonderful show has really cheered me up and given me hope for humanity, despite the Demogorgon and the Shadow Monster. Lately in my car I have been rocking out to Depeche Mode, which makes me think of the ‘80s, which of course is when Stranger Things take place. I got to thinking, “what if each ST character had a DPM theme song?” I think it could happen.  

dance

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norma

Have you ever watched Sunset Boulevard starring William Holden, Erich von Stroheim, and the unconquerable Gloria Swanson? If not, I won’t mind if you open Netflix or find some other method to stop everything you’re doing just to watch it right now. I can wait.

As you (now) know, this film is a masterpiece of cinema which laid bare the cruelty of these things: aging, celebrity, Hollywood, youth, pride, vanity, EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE, and probably some other stuff. I’m not writing a thoughtful essay here! It did nothing to fix any of it, as far as I know, but it is interesting to see how the old silent stars were thought of and treated in the 1950s. I imagine that the cycle continues and the young talent of today considers the actors and actresses of the 80s and 90s to be weird old fossils from another time. I assume that the fate of Norma Desmond is what every actress fears for her future — or maybe kind of wants it, who am I to say?

None of us will ever be as rich as she was, or as influential in any industry, that is a certainty. I have made a little maze so that we can pretend to know what it’s like. From the comfort of your ostentatious manor, embark upon the wobbly journey to your great return. You will encounter all kinds of obstacles from nostalgic reveries to suicide attempts to homicide, but if you can keep your focus, you’ll be in the pictures again. You’ll get the attention you deserve, you icon. You legend.

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We know you love to color, and you know we love to make delightful drawings of ourselves in our ideal lives, living together, as a group of actual friends. In the same place. Ideally, that place is sometime in the 1920s but only for purely aesthetic reasons. According to illustrations of that era, everyone was abnormally thin and lithe. They didn’t walk, they slithered. And that’s how we are too, on some level.

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The Victorians are all too often written off as being an uptight bunch of moral nutjobs who lived in an age to which we must never, ever return. That is basically true. There is a whole lot of stuff that was common in the years between 1837 and 1901 that we would be better off without, forever. A whole lot of stuff. But there is one thing that should make a bold return, and that is “Victorian Parlor Games.”

watch urself

Even though most of the population of the Victorian Age was impoverished and working eighteen hours a day, the middle class formed and luxurious free time started to become available to people outside of the wealthy idle elite. Back then, there weren’t televisions, video games, and apps to waste all of your time with of course, so they had to devise games to play in gentle social settings. They were still joyless and genteel, so they couldn’t just gather and get blasted on booze or the devil weed. Let’s just say that they did their best.

You can do your own research (I love it when you do your own research), or I guess you can just follow this single link I am willing to supply for you, to see for yourself just how they used to do it. Most games seemed to center around getting light-headed or not-laughing. Sometimes those two things would be combined, if they were feeling really full of jolly-beans!

Some day, you may find yourself without electricity. It seems to be a more and more common scenario, as natural disasters are ramping up in devastation, and our infrastructure steadily disintegrates. In some places, even a moderate rainfall could leave you without television channels and with an internet that is so slow that it is worse than not having a connection at all! So, I advise you to print out this article for reference on such times, because you won’t want to use your precious battery all up.

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Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to get you and another a sense of relief and satisfaction and — dare we say it? Miraculous and immediate cures. We will, ourselves, be testing each and every one of these out on Daniel Haun, who is still battling his monster of an ailment to varying degrees in various ways.

get well forever

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and sentiments.

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massive tunes

What would summer be without a playlist of summer jams? Music is an important part of a complete, balanced summertime, and we wouldn’t be caught DEAD without a soundtrack for our memories. Strap on your headphones or nail in your earbuds, whatever your preference, install Spotify if you haven’t already, and listen along with us. Then, in the future, any time you hear any of these songs, you can think fondly of us at Sneer Campaign, and how swell we were to try to make the summer of 2017 a brighter place for you and the whole wide world.

We love you.

 

 

31 YEARS OLD

The first documented instance of Dollissa Day was held in Sunrise, Florida, in 1986. Two cultures came together to celebrate this birth event of a teeny tiny Jewish-Puerto Rican baby who was no larger than a thimble. Her small size was a surprise to one and all because a C-section had been ordered. A humble granite marker will soon mark the operating room in which this miracle was performed, courtesy of the enthusiastic support of the entire population of the town.

Being an accomplished world traveler, several locations around the world have shrines dedicated to places where she has sat and complained, and to other places where she has fallen over and injured herself in seemingly impossible ways. From Natal to Las Vegas, including Turks and Caicos, Machu Picchu, Italy, and Israel, good people gather ’round to tell stories of her achievements, and boast of personal contact and interactions that they may have experienced.

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On April 5, 1908, little Ruth E. Davis was born in Massachusetts. Always strong-willed and determined, she eventually became a great actress in many classic films and even on stage. She is iconic, an inspiration. Her self-esteem is its own legend and her willingness to be forthright and not at all shy about voicing unpopular opinions must have been very liberating. She’s our chosen face of Sneer Campaign, and we reference her in our daily lives as much as we can.

This brings us to this day, one of the most important religious holidays for us. Although celebrated around the world, the suggested activities are somewhat new and traditions are still being formed for St. Bette Day. However, there are some things that are always appropriate. You can do one of these, or do them all in a whirlwind that other people will have to remember for you because you’ll be having too much fun. You’ll have to just remember April 6th, the Day of the Strangely Satisfying Hangover. No regrets!

happy betteday

 

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Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to earn you some affection and, dare we say it? Truluv.

say you love me

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and romance.

 

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life points

1904 was a truly glorious year, apparently! Not only is it the year in which Sneer HQ was built, but it is the year that gave the world Cary Grant. On January 18th of that year, a presumably handsome baby was popped into this world and given the unfortunate, ugly name of Archibald Leach. After some hard knock living that was common in early 1900s England, he ditched that name and gathered up all of his innate charms and burst onto the Hollywood scene.

Self-effacing, humorous, attractive, not always nice but always polite, effortlessly well-dressed, Cary Grant is known to have said of himself, “Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.” Even *I* want to be Cary Grant. He also explained, “I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me.” That’s some pretty strong life advice, Mr. Grant!

He went on to star in something like over seventy films, and I have only seen a dozen or so. Shame on me, I know. He was suited for screwball comedies, and today I have selected Bringing Up Baby for your activity, free of charge. In this movie, Grant plays a scatterbrained sort of paleontologist type of man whose life work is to assemble a Brontosaurus. He is meant to schmooze a man by the name of Mr. Peabody who represents a rich old lady who is interested in giving an endowment of one million dollars to a worthy cause. An outrageous series of mishaps follows as Grant encounters Katharine Hepburn who falls in love with him and ruins his relationship with his fiancé, his work in several different ways, and probably his entire life, but the movie ends before it really shows how far the damage extends. It is a load of laughs!

Enjoy the maze.

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