The Dangerous Minds of Babies

Baby brains are like blank slates, eager to be filled with everything imaginable in a graffiti-like fashion. They are unlikely to be the refined and commercially successful graffiti so many of us have come to know and love, but instead the basest vandalism. Here are some things to watch out for in case you need to set a baby back on the straight and narrow.

Baby Brain by Amanda Wood

Idol Mimicry

If, heaven forbid, you slip and say an inappropriate word – or even something that sounds similar – that baby will repeat back the worst of what you’ve said. You said toothpick? Time for your nephew to love the word pubic. The radio switches to news? Time for your niece to say “house fire” before laughing maniacally. There is almost no preventing this, but if you’d like to try, just attempt to introduce things that sound bad to the baby. Use the word elephant with the same “woops” tone that you apply to vulgar words like cock.

Lessons from Poorly Behaved Adults

In addition to learning by accident, there will be adults who teach kids to say things they shouldn’t. If you’re trying to convey math, octagon will be nearly impossible for your baby to pronounce. If you’re thinking of the UFC however, Baby will have that on lock. I could go into more detail, but you know exactly the people I’m talking about. A local baby’s grandma taught her to say, “I’m voting for Donald Trump.” The parents (sadly) are being investigated for neglect.

The Worst of Their Peers

It’s easy to see a flaw in humanity when you observe a cluster of preschoolers. Feel free to think of them as a flock or a crash if you prefer. Point being, it’s rare they absorb gentle, kind, or even helpful tendencies from one another. Instead hitting, name calling, or booger-wiping is the contagious behavior. If this weren’t true, we would have known world peace for thousands of years. The thought of it alone makes me want to carry a booger-filled tissue to deploy onto some crude adult who will earn it.

Baby Fight by Amanda Wood

All in all, I guess babies are kind of alright, and sometimes they turn into decent people if you feed, water, and walk them. More scary than the things babies learn, is the things adults don’t.

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