Tips for Living in Fear

Are you afraid of everything? Me too. Monsters, ghosts, the A word (I don’t want to believe), you name it! I’m sure you noticed that often my posts are about my fears. We even have a whole Irrational Fear comic series for your enjoyment.

It’s hard to live this way! You can’t really go out at night because it’s dark and maybe not even into your living room at night if the light switch is too far away. If you hear something, every one of your muscles tenses until you fall asleep from distress. Sometimes you turn on all your lights and call your sister. Maybe you clutch the sharp butcher knife in your white-knuckled shaky little hands just waiting to finally have to defend yourself in the worst case scenario you’ve been dreaming about for decades. Whatever. You deal with it!

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So here are some tips I’ve developed for my, well let’s call it a lifestyle. If any of these tips mentions that something should be done “at night” this also goes for anyone completely alone in an especially creepy place. Just imagine it says “at night or if haunted.”

Get Some Pets

Pets are great because you can blame any spooky noises on them. Also, pretty much any other weird shit that goes down. Didn’t I leave this cup somewhere else? Didn’t I leave this door open? Didn’t I leave this light on? Didn’t I not spill red paint in the shape of the word murder in this room? It’s fine, it was just the damn pet!

Pro-tip: Any pet will do, just be smart about it. If you’re getting a fish, get a big tank with a (noisy) filter. Get your shitty hamster a ball to run around your apartment in.

 

Windows: Nope

Don’t ever look out any windows at night. This goes for anyone, whether you live in a city or a forest or somewhere in between. I live in a city and if I look out my windows (which I wouldn’t), I will probably just see a mostly empty intersection, usually a police car and a bus. But what if I look out and it’s SOMETHING ELSE? WHO FUCKING KNOWS, MAN. Amandoll lives in a forest right now and she would never ever look outside because what if there is anything from her childhood version of “Slenderman” to a dog standing on its hind legs in the moonlight? What if it is just a person, but what if they are already staring straight at her? No.

Pro-tip: Keep your curtains closed or your blinds drawn or whatever you need to do. Never open them, or your windows.

 

All Doors Closed

Keep your doors closed. If open, you run the risk of the door moving, creaking, or casting a spooky shadow. This goes for all interior doors: bathrooms, closets, other rooms. If closed, you can always remind yourself that nothing is in that room or closet and that you definitely don’t need to ever check when you’re alone. Of course, never actually open any of these doors either, just in case you open it to find something there that should not be, or maybe suddenly a whole different reality and you will have to face a mental breakdown, or worse, forge ahead alone in a terrifying new world where nothing you thought you believed is certain ever again.

Pro-tip: Keep messy closets or auxiliary pets in smaller rooms so that you have something to blame possible noises on. And don’t drink any liquids after dark, so that you can hold it til morning.

 

Cover Your Mirrors

Us Jews have a tradition that after someone dies, you cover the mirrors in the house of mourning for 7 days, presumably so you don’t worry much about your appearance. However, Kabbalists believe that after someone dies, it leaves a void for evil to creep in and although we cannot see demons with the naked eye they can POP UP horrifyingly in a reflection behind us. How utterly terrible! Anyway, ghosts post-death are not the only horrible thing you might witness accidentally in a quick mirror glimpse, so I recommend just keeping them all covered.

Pro-tip: Do not own mirrors. Trust me, your hair looks fine.

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