Very Specific Predictions, Vol #1: Albums

We all know Nostradamus. Homeboy apparently predicted some things. Wars, natural disasters, 9/11 – he foresaw it all. But upon reading, you discover that his predictions, whilst verbose and beautiful, were vague as shit. One could even make the joke – “Seer? He hardly knew ‘er.”.

Many other charletons have used this ruse, staying away from specifics and distracting you with the pretty language. I will not be one of those hucksters. I pledge to you here, today, that as surely as the day is the bit that has the sun in it, my predictions will be so wildly specific that when they come true, there will be no doubt that I am the greatest seer the world has ever come to witness.

Prediction 1:

Fleetwood Mac Merges with McDonalds, becoming Fleetwood MacDonalds, Release a Series Of Burger Themed Albums

It is with much certainty and conviction that I hereby do predict that Fleetwood Mac, the famous rock band, will become one with the great mega corporation of McDonalds, forming an alliance and advertising juggernaut that would flatten the pop culture landscape for years to come. With such hits as “Secret Sauce” and essential title track “Rumours (McRib Whispers)” Fleetwood MacDonalds will be an institution for years to come.

There is also a 50% chance that Lindsay Buckingham will marry Mayor McCheese

Prediction 2:

A Rock Band Named Electric Kettle Releases 5 Albums In One Year, Fill Every Slot In The Best Album Category At The Grammy’s

It’s 2026, and Electronic Kettle are absolutely everywhere. At the club. In the pub. In the car. At the bar. Other rhyming sets of places.

In April, lead singer Patricio Bottoms is attacked by a crazed fan with a cheese knife, thankfully sustaining no injuries.

July brings further stress and scrutiny with the overdose death of band mascot Wille “the Shrimp Man” Stabbins.

It’s August, and drummer Jimothy Swangcock is almost killed after hitting a drum too hard, causing it to explode.

In November, the band finds vindication, winning a Grammy for Best Album after all five of their albums were nominated, filling the category.

Their limousine crashes on the way home, there are no survivors.

Prediction 3:

Turns Our Prince Is Still Alive, And His New Album Is Called All The Titles of His Other Albums Combined

Frankly, it looks amazing.

Sneer Back

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