This VR thing is finally taking off but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be easy to please, now or ever. It’s probably going to be a few years before the technology is as realistic as I want it to be, but I already want it to be the best, now. Right now! I would hold out for a holodeck, since current VR headsets look cool and all, but they are hard to reconcile with all of my Star Trek assumptions about the real world. But I’m not going to hold out because quick make these games.
Forget horror games and porn. Forget the immersive action gaming experience some people have been waiting for. Forget the interaction with people you know or don’t know, anyone at all. Here’s what I really want from virtual reality.
Pet All The Dogs
In this game I guess you would walk around petting dogs. You would try to pet as many as you can while you walk down the doggiest streets in the world. There is almost no one who will not want to play this game. It will be a lot like real life except with more dogs and they will all be happy to see you and happy to be petted. There will never be a dog smell. There will never be a need to scoop. There will only be good times and pure joy.
Your score will just be a ceaselessly escalating points system. You always win.
Hang Out With Mom
Hard Mode: Who falls asleep first? Is mom playing bingo, boggle, or slots? Change the channel from Lifetime and see if she gets mad. She’ll ask you for small favors until your annoyance meter runs out. When you lose, she’ll shout, “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!” Just like in real life!
Easy Mode: Mom is asleep! Tiptoe around her.
There are already at least two Seinfeld VR games in the works, but they’re not exactly to my liking. What I’d want is a game where you are Jerry just existing in your apartment. I want to sit on Jerry’s couch and watch the TV he watched and eat cereal. That’s all. I guess Kramer could pop in whenever he wanted but I’m not going to do anything about that. There is no winning or losing. You live there for the rest of your Virtual Life and also your IRL Life.
You are surrounded by cats, chickens, glitter, and temporary tattoos. Mr. Rogers’ handsome and kind face is framed larger-than-life above your fireplace at the faithfully reproduced Sneer HQ. Your SneerPhone is ringing and the SneerMobile is in the shop. Some of the cats have banded together to cook dinner but it looks like it’s going to be a mess. Some Junior Sneerists have assembled in the study. A storm is coming.
Hard Mode: Get to work.
Easy Mode: Judy the Ghost is there to help.