Parties are weird and dancing is really hard, especially when you’re still sober enough to remember how bad you are and how everyone may or may not be staring at you. Sure, you can get crunk real fast and run onstage, make friends with the DJ before security kicks you off, and dance up there. But that’s kind of crazy, Dollissa. And Webster Hall sucks.
An easier solution is to work on your fabulous wallflower dance moves. Lean up against that wall by the drink table. Relax by the corner with the least lighting. But whatever you do, don’t look like a nerd who can’t dance. Brush up on these drink-holding friendly dance moves and you’ll feel comfortable at those awkward events in no time.
The Head Bob
This is of course the classic wallflower move. You can lean up against the wall of your choice or stand near a table or friend, gently bobbing your head to the music. You’ll have to master this one before you can move on. Make sure to stay with the rhythm and don’t spill your drink, alcoholic or not. If you can’t match the beat you will look insane and/or on drugs, depending on the kind of party. I guess you could also wind up looking like a hopeless dork who has no rhythm, but if you are at THAT kind of party, then you won’t be the only one, so you’re safe.
The No I Don’t Want to Dance
This is a defensive move. Wait, they all are. Anyway, first start doing The Head Bob. Then make a slight change so that you are actually shaking your head, side to side rather than up and down. It’s a tricky move. Once you’ve got that down, hold one hand out slightly when anyone looks your way. Hold it with your palm out in a defensive motion. This will hopefully prevent anyone from trying to drag you out into the middle of the dance floor, which trust me is the worst scenario in the world.
The Walk Across the Room Shuffle
If you are feeling particularly ambitious, or if you have noticed that a person looks like they want you to dance WITH them and are making their way towards you, you might need to make a hasty-but-still-appearing-to-have-fun getaway. Seem like you are having a groovy time, but you just hafta go elsewhere. Accomplish this with a long shrug while you cross the room. Say, “sorry just gotta walk through here, so sorry, woops, just…” People will accommodate you and never suspect that you are just pretending.
The Haha I’m At a Dance
If you are like me and generally regarded as being “too cool to have visible levels of fun,” you can do this dance. You must appear to relent to the constant pressure to “come on and dance already,” but in a sarcastic manner that is not aggressive. You are being good-natured, but dancing and moving around like that is painful to you, psychologically. This dance lasts just a few short moves, a few short seconds. Do a few arm moves, weave your head, pull a goofy expression, never lift your feet in case you should lose your balance and stumble. Roll your eyes a little and laugh. Everything about you should convey the statement: “dances, amirite here folks?” If you aren’t as cool as this, you can still do this dance, but just add an awkward sort of blush. It’ll be charming and cute. Win friends.