Workplace Voodoo Spells for 2017

We’ve covered some other voodoo spells previously, for love and for life. But it’s the future, and we know that what you really care about is your career and how much you’re making. Work is everything. You spend all your time there, and even more time getting there. Your coworkers are your de facto friends, and your manager might as well be your mother (Hi John!).

Are you struggling with the amount of work you have? Upset that business hours haven’t adapted to the real world in 2017? Sick of spending half the day at your desk just because you’re obligated to appear as if there’s still work to do, lest they decide to let you go?

voooo

 

Inbox Zero Spell

Pretty soon, email will go the way of voicemail or pagers and you won’t even notice, because you’ll still have thousands of unread messages to sift through. If you don’t feel like unsubscribing from all those mailing lists and archiving the messages you’ve dealt with, this spell is for you to get ready with.

Tools: 2 white candles, dried rose petals

Ritual: For this spell, you’ll need to pray to a specific deity. The god of communication. Make a cross with the rose petals and put one candle at the intersection. Light the other candle and hold it in your right hand. While repeating the prayer below, light the second candle with the first.

“filter, filter
spam and filler
please god provide
an email killer”

 

Spell to Get a Raise

Maybe you’re a workaholic and you think that you deserve more money. Maybe you aren’t, but you want more money. Maybe none of that but you just need a raise, dogg. I got your back. This is not to be confused with the Raise Spell, which can get pretty spooky.

Tools: $2 bill, your wallet, sage

Ritual: Sit on the floor, cross-legged, or kneeling. Fold the $2 bill in half and wrap it around the sage. Light some sage and wave it around you in a circle while you are seated. Put the sage out and open your wallet. Chant the message below to any tune you choose, three times. Put the $2 bill in and close your wallet.

“money money money
must be funny
in a rich man’s world”

 

dooo

 

New Job Spell

You’ve decided it’s time to move on, or just get a job in the first place. Great! Let’s make it easier with the help of an invisible push from made-up witchcraft. But be careful what you wish for.

Tools: your last paystub or a $10 bill, a match, success oil, an empty room

Ritual: Note: It helps if your $10 bill is very crisp, or if your paystub is crinkled and ripped. Stand in the empty room, in your home or elsewhere. Put your paystub or $10 bill in some success oil, then hold it in your right hand. With your left hand, light the match, then light the match to the oily paper. Stand as still as possible and visualize your new employment until the flame goes out.

 

Lunch Hour Solitude

Okay, so you like your coworkers, really! But don’t they talk too much? This spell will help you achieve some lunchtime solitude, but you’ll have to repeat this one every month so that it stays effective.

Tools: 2 white candles, Verbena essential oil, a black cloak

Ritual: Bring all of these things to your workplace. At lunchtime, set up an altar. You don’t need much, just a flat surface where you can light the candles, but sometimes people drape a small blanket or a throw over the spot first. Dip one candle into the oil, then light both. Keep them lit throughout your lunch and repeat the following 4 times:

“go away go away
go away go away
seriously, i’m eating
please go away”

 

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