ABCDs of BABYs

We at the Sneer Campaign love our ABCs. It is going to become an actual lucrative endeavor, but also we have clearly loved it for years already. Every so often, we will give you treats of rhymed words so that you can learn, or re-learn, your English Alphabet, and usually also learn a little more besides.

title page: baby head and words spelling out A B C D's of Baby's

Today’s installment is from Saxon, a new parent as recently mentioned here on this site. Following the alphabet poem, you will find a little comic of the things said between us, after the manuscript was delivered. A bonus treat all for you!

Letter A. Baby head with a "no" symbol through it (the circle and diagonal line)

is for Abortion
A thing that people do
When creating a baby
Is not the thing for you

happy baby swaddled. Letter B.

is for the Butthole
the source of many woes
producing more excretions
as little baby grows

baby in ill fitting dirty patched dress. letter C

is for the Clothing
which lasts about two weeks
as babies gain proportion
in shoulders and buttcheeks

letter D. a grumpy dog of old english bulldog variety in top hat and bow tie

is friendly Doggo
a friend for little bub
but don’t forget to feed him
lest he munch on baby chub

infant wearing knit hat and scarf. letter E

is for Electric
A bill for which you’ll get
From always running heating
As babies can’t stay warm yet

Letter F. Curse word symbols: skull, spiral, octothorpe, and exclamation mark.

is for the F word
or Fuck without the beep
You say it pretty often
When you’ve just a little sleep

Letter G. Grandparents' heads.

is for Grandparents
Who tell you what to do
then get to do the fun stuff
and leave the poop to you

Letter H. Fussy crying baby with the lower half of head in vomitous green and orangey colors.

is for you Hating
Your baby now and then
When the vomit you have just cleaned
Comes out of them again

Letter I. A taped up cardboard box with cobwebs. written on box says "former life." "Fragile. Do not crush."

Is for my Interest
In any other stuff
Which has been placed on hold
‘Til he is big enough

Letter J. A set of blue crocodile pattern baby pajamas.

is for the Jim-Jams
Pyjamas AKA
They wear perpetually
Because it’s easier that way

Letter K. Old drawing of Saxon looking much more tired, screaming.

is for please Kill me
I’ve had one hour sleep
I’m unable to make a rhyme or
structure this one properly because of sle
ep deprivation

Letter L. Another old drawing of Saxon in psychedelic colors and patterns.

is for Last night
was getting pretty bad
I have slept for a few hours
Now I feel a bit less sad

Letter M. Yet another old drawing of Saxon, but in an Art Deco style looking a little haughty and dismissive.

is for Motherhood
means bailing halfway through
the poem you said you’d write
‘cos you’ve got too much to do


And here is our little chitty chat, chatted just hours ago, and drawn oh so rapidly after I drew these.

This is a comic where Saxon says: "the hardest thing about this was if it was too wholesome I felt super lame and like I was a boomer writing a facebook meme. But whenever I made it darker I immediately felt like I was talking about killing babies, or at least letting them die. It feels way too easy to slip into the territory of: Babies sure do poop a lot! A parent's work is never done. We sure do not get a lot of sleep looking after kids! ha ha ha!" 

She then goes on to say, " even for the most casual of writers you must dread the day you realize what you wrote would look at home on some kind of greeting card. Maybe I'll do the second part in a year when it is about toddlers instead of babies."

Amandoll interjects delightedly, "Yes, I could write that one right now. For you, you might get investigated for potential abuse. For me, people would just keep their toddlers away from me, which is what I want."

Then Saxon offers this rhyme: "N is for Nobody
Bring your kid around me
My name is Amanda
and I'll stab your lil' baby."

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