Before actually working at a party supply store, I was unaware that there are party supplies for EVERYTHING. I had previously been under the notion that people weren’t so stupid that they would need to run out and buy a giant bull skull to complete the look of their “Tex-Mex party,” which would just end up looking like a regular party except with a giant shitty foam bull skull hanging on the wall.
While perusing the mind-numbing amount of overpriced shit for parties, I wandered upon a section, nay, an entire AISLE, just for celebrating old people’s birthdays and such. Well, let me rephrase that since it’s not entirely the truth: An entire aisle just for mocking old people’s further decline into a miserable old age and eventually to a depressing death that will most likely be filled with memories of the time their children bought them a fake jar of Viagra for their 60th birthday.
Some would call them “gag” gifts, and I suppose they are. Only I have never seen so many, and some so completely brutal, in one area before — all for simply being old. It’s as if to say “Congratulations on living for 3/4 of a century and accomplishing more than most of us ever will, now put this chicken suit on and DANCE YOU OLD SHIT.”
Now I am well aware of the humorous properties that old people possess. It’s simply natural that as you get older, you will more than likely develop life-changing medical problems that will appear funny ha ha to the rest of us. Watching an old person shake uncontrollably, seeing them fall while feebly attempting to not die in the process, or emptying their bowels in public is simply a riot that few things can come close to duplicating. But there’s always another side to things…
I know this is going to sound like a radical idea, but hear me out: The seniors themselves, and how they feel, should probably be taken into account. I’m pretty sure that being old isn’t the greatest thing to happen in life. Old age is rarely the fairytale book ending to someone’s life that is portrayed in movies. People aren’t usually completely content with their lives at any age, let alone an age when they have little control over it anymore. To simply be able to sit through your golden years without one qualm about what could have been just isn’t gonna happen. Also it doesn’t help to see your life slowly degrade to the point where even doing the most basic of things is something that requires help from others, while having the face of present day youth forever impeding and overtaking what you once were.
So you see, it can’t be all that great for anyone. You honestly can’t wonder why most older people are the most bitter things on the planet. So that only leaves us with one thing to do for them, to help them get through the trying final years of their lives: BUY CRAZY GIFTS THAT DEMEAN THEIR VERY EXISTENCE, THUS MAKING THEM MORE MISERABLE THAN THEY EVER WERE!
Pull This Finger Fred:
We all know that older people who can’t control their flatulence can be the high point of entertainment. There can be nothing more exciting than seeing the results of a massive gas expulsion from an old person that they have probably worked eight days to actually produce when they least expect it. Making those moments in Wal-Mart where walking by an older citizen can surprise them to the point of making them push a force ten disaster out of their ass all that much more thrilling, since you know they will have to probably immediately lie down afterward from exhaustion. It’s just how old people are. They have this whole “I am not in control of my body processes anymore, please laugh at my misery” thing going on, and I am more than ready to participate every time.
So what we have here is sorta like that, except he’s supposed to model that guy in your family that has accepted that he will soon die and might as well make everyone else’s life as miserable as possible in the meantime by being the most disgusting person ever. I remember I had an Uncle sort of like this when I was a kid. He always had this contorted look on his face, sorta like he was really putting effort into something, but you wondered what since he hadn’t moved from his chair in days. I soon found out though, as he told me to “Come on over here and pull my little finger.” I must admit my young naïvety got the best of me, so I did. The sound that came forth was closer to what I would think a dying Kraken would sound like, except louder. I’m pretty sure he sent the chair he was sitting in back in time from the sheer force of it. Needless to say, I have never pulled another old man’s finger again, and I’ll be goddamned if I start with this thing again.
Golfing Butt Head Hat
Old people are pretty goddamn crazy, we all know this. Put a human being on this Earth for more than 60 years and you know their brains are gonna crack in parts at some time. Around that age, I believe that most older people simply give up on trying to be sane. They’re old after all. They don’t need to make sense. All they want is a nice fiber pill and a few granola bars and they’re set. Unfortunately, it’s not always so easy to appease them when they go into public. Waving a tasty granola bar at them will not stop them from making completely insane decisions at every opportunity. So I guess why not dress them for the occasion next time Grandma decides to go 20 mph on the highway in the oncoming lane?
That’s what we have here. What you can’t see unless you go to the store or can figure out the correct search terms is a lovely little hat that clearly expresses that the person wearing said hat is “insane” and “possibly not in the mental capacity to realize they just ran underneath a school bus with their golf cart.” Yes, it’s just as you imagine: A hat shaped like a butt that is wearing underwear. It also has tees pasted on the front of the underwear because we all know how much old people love them some putt-putt or whatever. So dress Grandpa for his next big adventure to the grocery in the right apparel. Apparel that not only looks like a good time, but also subliminally tells everyone in sight of him to stay a good distance away before he does something that would cause several fatalities.
Old Woman’s Bra
If there is anything more disgusting than naked old people, then I’m not sure exactly what that thing may be. I’ve seen my share of disgusting things, 99.9% thanks to the Internet, but somehow the sight of another man vomiting into a woman’s gaping anus still can’t compete with getting an eye full of an old person naked. Especially an older woman. The ravages of time become no more apparent than when you’re staring at breasts that have long since given up on defying gravity, and are instead being used for extra knee padding. That’s not even speaking of everything else that’s sagging, which is literally everything else, but it’s bad enough right there. I’m sure older women feel particularly bad about this. After all, women are fickle little shits, and I can’t see that changing once they reach 80. The poor, ravaged souls. Beauty that has faded, only to be replaced with skin that clings to household surfaces more than muscles.
So why not get your horribly self-conscious Grandmother this wonderful gift while laughing and pointing in her face with a knowing look in your eye that your breasts are a hell of a lot more attractive than hers, no matter if you are a girl or a boy. This aged beast has nothing left to look forward to except a pitiful, lonely death, so go ahead and have a bit more fun out of them, all while knowing your own pitiful, lonely death is much, much further away. This would make a fine any-time gift, as there is really no better time to make older people feel horribly insecure about themselves than any chance you get. Don’t forget to ask for gas money!
Old Man Pecker Exerciser
The idea of an old man’s libido is almost as horrific as an old woman’s breasts, but that sure hasn’t stopped this little piece of genius. So there is this common perception that old men don’t have the stuff they once had to get their junk in the air. There is a reason this is a common perception: it’s completely true. There is a reason that old people do not have sex, and that reason is simple:
OLD PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HAVE SEX
It’s so simple. God himself would not have seen fit to cripple an old man’s cock if he were at all supposed to have intercourse at ages after 60. People after 60 can hardly take a healthy dump without getting winded and needing several naps, so how the hell do you expect a senior to not only allot 90% of what little blood he has left in his body into his penis, and then actually continue to have sex? And yet, they do. You get these 90 year old skeletons talking about how they still bump it on a regular basis and you wonder how anyone could differentiate her reproductive organs from a piece of leathery hide that hasn’t seen moisture in 50 years. A sexual experience that would be closer to masturbating with thick grade sandpaper. How can a guy keep it up in a situation like that.
I think I’m going to vomit.
Over the Hill Cane
In case you feel like your favorite senior citizen doesn’t already collect enough random useless shit, you can give them this fine walking stick, complete with every goddamn thing on Earth attached to it apparently, Just in case people didn’t already get the hint that you were old, I’m sure they’ll realize it when you come around the corner with this fucker. Complete with giant red horn, rear view mirror, and a street sign to visually portray just how dangerously old you are, people will surely be running for cover to avoid the old wraith that is surely about to endlessly ask for stamps at stores that do not sell stamps.
Perhaps it’s just me, but if any of my family gave me any of these gifts when I get older, I will most likely beat them to death with them. If this is how you thank me for bringing you into this world, and building an entire family through years and years of hard work, then I will fucking cut your damn face. I can see where maybe some seniors have already given up hope and all, but you know, I think I’ll still have a bit of my dignity left by then. At least enough to still beat the shit out of my family for spending actual monetary funds on this shit.
I swear, people. This is like swatting at an already irritable hornet’s nest. Someday, the senior citizens will finally realize that this sort of treatment is not only degrading, but it defeats everything that a long life should stand for. They will rise up against us, and let me tell you, I’m not going to be the least bit surprised when they start eating the younger generation’s hearts in hopes to gain their sweet, sweet youth back into their horribly decrepit bodies. You’ve been warned. Old age is nothing to take lightly. Even if it does produce amazing amounts of laughter at the expense of others. Jesus people, have some respect and dignity.
At least while they can still see you.