It’s springtime again and you know what that means! Yes, that’s right, more completely real spells that were not written by someone trapped in an attic in Kentucky. Not at all.

As eco-warriors, earth angels, and other nicknames we’ve bestowed on ourselves, we proudly exclaim, frequently, that we love the Earth. Whether it’s carefully putting our recycling into the approved and dedicated bins, as directed, or picking up cigarette butts with my bare hands, we are in it to win it.

Recycling Bin Biggener

We don’t know how it is that our recycling bin needs more room in it every week, while the garbage bin is not even half full. Here is a spell for giving yourself just a few cubic feet more in which to do your part.

Tools:

• empty milk carton
• rainwater
• junk mail with inscriptions you have provided
• your recycling bin

Ritual: Instead of buying a plastic jug of milk, reach for a cardboard carton — milk of cow or almond or whatever — even orange juice will be acceptable! Dip the carton into your rain barrel which has been collecting the good water of the sky, filling it up. Pray over the water, making it earth-holy:

Water, water clean and clear
Grant us room in this bin here
Make it tall, make it wide
So we can put things inside

Next, take a stack of junk mail and unrequested catalogs that you have received in the year 2019, somehow, and write on each page: “Big. BIGGER.” Place them in your recycling bin and sprinkle the water on them. Magically, you will be able to put in twelve more Amazon boxes of varying size.

Alternatively, you can use this same spell on your compost bin, only burn your inscribed pages to ash before adding them to the bin and pour in the entire carton of water instead of only a sprinkling.

Litterbug Repellent

As budding gardeners, one of our first lessons revolved around pests and how to dissuade them from ruining our plant friends. Earth has pests too, and some of them are in the form of litterbugs! These people throw garbage right on the street like they plain old don’t care. That’s why they get hexed.

Tools:

• peppermint oil
• white vinegar
• garbage juice
• a spritzer bottle
• an Earth Day official beverage container
• optional poppet to represent all litterers, or a real human sacrifice caught in the act

Ritual: Take the spritzer bottle and fill it almost entirely with white vinegar; add nine drops of pure essential oil of peppermint. Set aside. In a glass that you probably bought from a vendor at some Earth Day festival (year unimportant), find a very mushy, wet bag of garbage that has been rained on and let it drip at least 3 ounces of liquid into the cup. If you are out and about and see a person dropping their trash on the surface of the planet like it is a dump, spritz them with the vinegar solution while shouting BAD! at them. Then throw the garbage water in their faces and scream “YOU ARE THE GARBAGE!” If you aren’t confrontational because you are civilized, simply dip the dedicated poppet into the garbage juice after spritzing it, while reciting the same spell.

A Spell To Curse Eco Lamewads

We couldnt think of a better word for them. This spell is to put a hex on those people who throw trash in recycling bins, who throw recycling in trash bins, and who otherwise dont do pretty simple things set out right in front of them to help our planet and their own goddamn street.

Tools:

• a plastic bag filled with litter from your own street
• a handful of dirt
• Your most recently signed petition on change.org
• Sage oil

Ritual: Find a clear spot outside where you can dig a few inches. Pour a drop of sage oil onto the litter, then put it into the plastic bag. Tie the bag closed, and recite aloud the entire text of your most recently signed petition on change.org. Once you finish reading it, dig a small hole in the earth and put the plastic bag in. Cover with a handful of dirt and leave for three weeks. After that, dig it back up and dispose of it properly, satisfied that your spell worked.