The Compilation

Iconic Bette Face with headphones on listening to music. The words next to her say "listen at your own risk."

My friend Jairo and I have a long-running inside joke into which I am about to invite you. We call it The Compilation. Let me give some back story. We are both former employees of a secondhand bookstore that shall remain nameless. Until a few years ago we had to choose “appropriate” music for store play via CDs for sale from our inventory. It was such a pain. Sometimes there was nothing that anybody really wanted to hear, so we would be forced to choose 5 lesser evils.

Sometimes we would be inundated by the Beatles, which in my unpopular opinion is utter torture. A lot of the time we had to listen to Pedo music. In layman’s terms it is called Doo-Wop and Motown. There are so many songs about teenage girls being pursued by adult men. How the hell is this acceptable? That’s fodder for another article. Eventually we got a satellite radio station we could listen to. It really wasn’t much better. It was just ok. One minute we would be hearing the wonderful bagpipes of “Under the Milkyway” by The Church, but then suddenly it would be some yodeling fool. I wish I were kidding.

Soooo, The Compilation. I noticed a lot of music that I like to call “Parental Booty Music.” You know what I’m talking about. It’s anything from Al Green to Prince: music that our parents find sexy, but most of which we Gen Xers and early Millennials find humorous. At least Jairo and I find this music hilarious. It’s all music to which most of us were probably conceived. Our parents probably still listen to this stuff in intimate moments. Ick! Parents don’t have sex! What are you talking about?! How traumatic. Yes, I’m very mature, thanks for asking. Anyway, without further ado, here are some songs on the Compilation:

Al Green “I’m So Tired of Being Alone”

Hey lady, go spend some time with this man so he will calm down! J/k, do whatever you are comfortable with. Consent, people!

Marvin Gaye “Let’s Get It On”

The sexy sounds of Marvin Gaye are a staple on any romantic compilation, probably regardless of age or generation.

Maria Muldaur “Midnight at the Oasis”

This is our absolute favorite to sing, in falsetto no less. Whenever either of us hears it in a grocery store or anywhere else, we always text each other the lyrics.

Bob Seger “Night Moves”

For the classic rock set, this is a very romantic song (apparently) about teenagers experimenting with first time sex.  

Anita Baker “Sweet Love”

You have to have the silky-voiced Anita on this compilation. She knows what’s up, yo.

Barry White “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love”

What kind of savages do you think we are? Of COURSE Barry White is on this list. He’s on everybody’s list. That baritone does naughty things, I’m sure.  

Minnie Riperton “Loving You”

Maya Rudolph’s mom! She clearly huffs helium when she sings this song. My alto cannot reach those heights without pain.

The Shirelles “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”

Ah, is spending the night a good idea? Probably not, but it’s a valid question for prudes like me. Not everyone is built to emotionally handle one night stands.

The Ronettes “Be My Baby”

Ronnie Spektor was such a sex goddess that even Eddie Money and the Ramones were huge fans.

Moody Blues “Nights in White Satin”

This song never fails to make me think of Jason Segel in his role as Nick Andopolis in Freaks and Geeks. Poor Nick is trying to create a romantic atmosphere for Lindsey Weir, but Lindsey isn’t really feeling it. Me neither, honey!

You get the idea. All these sappy tunes are just an example of the music that Baby Boomers and after think is super sexy. I disagree, but The Compilation is great for a laugh and adding to the list passes the time nicely. What do you think should be added to The Compliation? Do tell!

Sneer Back

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