Tim Burton is Back to Ruin Our Childhoods

If you live under a proverbial rock and have not yet heard, Tim Burton is here to ruin all of our lives. Again.

After the atrocity that was, well, basically everything he’s ever done (with the obvious exception of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and Beetlejuice), Mean Ol’ Mr. Burton is prepared to destroy the absolute beauty and wonder that was Dumbo.

Now, unlike previous trainwrecks that Burton has attached his name to, such as Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Dumbo was not based on a book, from which he can claim to differently interpret the story. It was based on a toy, one that was never made, but was instead sold to Disney so they could make the movie.

So you don’t have to wonder, here is what his stupid, “quirky” concept art will look like:

In this wacky interpretation of Dumbo Depp, Dumbo stands on hind legs, looks gaunt and perpetually surprised. He wears striped clothes and goggles, of course. Underneath him it says, "I can fly?"

Dumbo, released in 1941, was made using approximately .006% of the budget that Burton’s Charlie film used, and about 4000% of the charm. His budget for his (inexplicably) live-action Dumbo movie will probably be at least the GDP of the islands of Kiribati, which Wikipedia tells me is a for real country.

And what will Johnny Depp play? Dumbo himself? We can only imagine, in our very worst nightmares, that the bland piece of white bread that was shat out of Tim Burton’s asshole decades ago will play our most beloved little mute cartoon elephant.

An illustration of Johnny Depp and his cheekbones looking forlorn as he is also a large eared elephant dressed like a clown. The clown outfit is striped, of course. And there are goggles, also of course.

Those people will probably even make Dumbo talk, and he’ll say things like “manic pixie dream girl.” And the entire intoxication scene will be ruined, no matter what they do. Will they include the racism? Probably, but in a different way that they can claim was not intentional. Will they issue a statement of apology? They might, or they might just wait five minutes until the news cycle forgets.

But hey, at least Helena Bonham Carter ducked out early by way of a breakup.


  1. Johnny Depp a bland piece of white bread? Lol @ you idiot. Stop looking at the mirror and describing others.

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