Voodoo Winter Spells

We’re here with another set of spells that are definitely magic and not something Dollissa scribbled on a napkin at the bar. They’re just in time for warding off the worst part of the year, Winter. At Sneer HQ, we’ve already had sleet, snow, flood warnings, and windstorms.

Find yourself an empty, dim room to perform the spells in. We recommend doing these fake spells on an altar cloth of some sort. What kind of cloth you use is up to you. And as always, we are updating our witchery to the modern era for these spells, so get out your smart assistant/home device and your social media accounts, your sage and oils, and let’s get down and dirty.

A Spell to Block Winter Sadness

Use this spell to cast aside the winter blues, which can strike suddenly and indiscriminately. (Or, you can just use our S.A.D. tips, for a magic-free solution.)

Tools: sage or lavender oil, one red candle, some dead/dried fall leaves, your latest utilities bill

Ritual: Find a clear spot outdoors, preferably near your home. After anointing the red candle with the oil, burn one of the leaves to light it (may take more than one leaf). If there are any leftover, crumble them into a pile around the candle. While the candle is lit, say the following message one time. Then, lift the candle and repeat the same incantation. Finally, burn the bill using the candle and leave the lit candle in a window overnight, or until it burns out.

With sage oil:

"take this offer
burning heat
keep me happy
calm, and sweet"

With lavender oil:

"away, winter spell
of frozen body and spirit
keep this warmth upon me"

No Weight Gain

Like the mighty bear, we tend to hibernate for Winter. The most fun but shameful part of this is gorging ourselves, starting from the first sign of cold (or Thanksgiving) and lasting until we see sunshine again in Spring.

Tools: a leaf of nontoxic holly, five candles, your smartphone, your favorite snack

Ritual: This is a fun one. Go ahead and eat all of your favorite snacks at your prepared altar cloth once you’re alone. Put the candles into a circle and light each one. Pull up your most attractive photo on your Instagram account and eat the holly leaf. Stay seated and still until the candles burn out.

Cancelled Commute

Let’s face it. One of the worst parts about winter is getting to work and back. We can’t all work from home, like your favorite Sneerists do, so try this spell.

Tools: two feathers, a mechanical watch, palo santo stick

Ritual: Place the two feathers into a + shape so that they are perpendicular, one on top of the other. Then, put the mechanical watch on top of both. Light the palo santo stick and wave it around yourself as you repeat the following four times.

"work from home, it's okay
work from home, all day
stay inside, stay upright
no need to return at night"

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