The Amandoll Plan for Kicking Coffee

From time to time, I lose my mind and become convinced that I drink too much coffee. I know people are always doing some sort of martyred brag-lamentation about the truly colossal amounts of coffee that they drink in a day, but I’m not one of those. I drink very small amounts of coffee, only two to four cups a day, but I drink it EVERY day. Sometimes I notice that if my coffeedrink routine gets messed up, my personality takes a turn for the worse. Sometimes when I notice that, I become indignant! How dare coffee treat me like that! So then I resolve to show it a thing or two about dependency and I quit it.

I have heard of people quitting all of caffeine, but I have never done that. I just sometimes quit drinking coffee but then switch off to heroic amounts of tea. As great as tea is, it never seems to be a good replacement for the coffee caffeine that my body apparently has grown to need. Tea is there for drinking after the coffee has been finished for the day. Therefore, I have probably not even experienced actual caffeine withdrawal to the fullest extent. Even so, once when I quit only-coffee for two weeks, I had a seven day long headache that did not respond to medication, as well as feelings of impending death that lasted for the same length of time.

Maybe you have been thinking that you could use a break from coffee? Perhaps you are like me, and resent that you are apparently HOOKED. Perhaps you would like to prove to yourself and your coffee that you can stop any time you want. As a seasoned veteran of quitting the bitter bean, I am here to help you. Quick! Take my tremoring hand as I take you down the dark and frightening path to potentially healthier living!

This is a Road Map to Caffeine Detox, an illustration.

"Come with me!" Amandoll invites. Step 1 determine that you want clean living. Along the path it says "in your zeal, consider also buying a juicer and getting into yoga." Next to that is Amandoll in a knot, and next to her it says "yoga or breakdancing!"
Step 2 brag about endeavor to friends and acquaintances. Next to that is an illustration of Amandoll standing atop the word Hubris as her friends look on in skepticism and alarm.
Step 3 headache. The path leads through a cemetery that says turn back. There are skulls and snakes and Amandoll crawls along with arrows in her back. She weakly cries for help.
Step 4 look up symptoms on Internet. Amandoll asks "am I dying?"
A stop that says Irritability with Amandoll roaring in psychotic rage.
Lethargy. Amandoll is asleep.
Now the path shows her sitting down on this bumpy path, weeping terribly.
Flu Like Symptoms. She is seen to be ill.
Depression. A dark figure sobbing.
Then we see her looking up to see a sign that says Welcome to Success burg population you." There is a city in a beautiful sunset. She is like Gasp, almost there!
But then Wait No! Final Step!
It is Amandoll drinking from a coffee cup with the words "reunite with coffee as with a lost love."

And then: Repeat in a  few months or years.

Sneer Back

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