Millennials have long had the reputation of killers. At the time of this writing, millennials have already killed Bar Soap, Cable Television, Print Media, The 9-5 Workday, Mass-Produced Beer, Hollywood, and Pleasant Journalism. And who cares, right? As long as there’s a decent alternative, we should be okay with moving on and getting with the times.
Wrong. Millennials are out to destroy our souls. Like every God-fearing Christian, I watch for new signs of the apocalypse every day. Here are five reasons why millennials are the harbingers of the End of Times:
But thou, O Daniel, shut up the words, and seal the book, even to the time of the end: many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased.
“Many shall wander to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased?” If there’s a better description of smartphones, I’d like to see it. How many millennials have you seen, running “to and fro,” trying to catch Pokémon? Probably thousands. They’re everywhere.
2 Timothy 3:1-5
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
I find it amazing, and some might say miraculous, that Paul, an apostle who lived thousands of years ago, has described millennials to a T. “Lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents..” aren’t we all thinking the same thing? “Without natural affection?” Have you ever seen millennials, with their bushy eyebrows and sleeveless shirts, necking in the park? What could be more unnatural? What about the “weeaboo” millennials that love animated depictions of people more than actual, living people? Only a rain of fire can cleanse our earth from such filth.
Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.
Here, “strange flesh” means homosexuals. Homosexuality is not looked down upon like it used to be, when cars were made of steel and people had integrity. And how many millennials commit “fornication?” Far, far too many young people are living with their girlfriends, without a thought to marriage. God must be weeping for this fallen generation.
And in that day will I make Jerusalem a burdensome stone for all people: all that burden themselves with it shall be cut in pieces, though all the people of the earth be gathered together against it.
This scripture speaks for itself. All of the sudden turmoil going on in the Middle East, brought upon us by millennials.
Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded; But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. Even thus shall it be in the day when the Son of man is revealed.
Do you know any millennials that “eat and drink”? Watch for falling brimstone, folks.