Encouraging Apps for Stupid Mistakes

After spending a decent amount of time looking for an app to make me stop texting someone (dumb, I know) without finding anything, I’ve decided that there’s a genre of mobile apps we may be missing.

There are a lot of apps that will donate to charity every time you make a purchase or use a ride-share, apps that help you save tiny amounts of money, and apps that try to get you more political in these hell-earth times, but where are the ones that do that while also acknowledging that you are various kinds of a mess?

black mirror

Charity Drop

Are you always dropping your phone like a DONK? Do you have buttery, slippery, stupid hands? Well we can’t fix that, dummy, but this hypothetical app that someone should build will give you some tiny peace of mind.

Any time you drop your phone, whether it gets damaged or you’re just embarrassed in public, one of three things will happen (which you would choose at signup, presumably):

  1. Donate to the charity of your choice
  2. Save the amount of your choice, to an account you specify
  3. Earn badges, if you can’t afford the pennies

Regret Power

Replace one regret with an important action. That’s right, this app will help you do your Civic Duty as… punishment? for texting your idiot ex. When you sign up, you’ll flag the people you shouldn’t be texting, calling, messaging, etc. You’ll then choose the political causes important to you, and input your address.

Then, when you totally give in and send a “u up?” to that jerk, you’ll be presented with a warning.

You will regret this. Are you sure?

boo hoo

You can dismiss it and send your filthy shame message as you would any other. The next day, however, your phone will lock right up! The only way to get back into it will be to complete your civic duty.

You’ll be presented with one of your causes, prompted to say why it’s important to you, and shown your relevant local government officials, based on your address. Fill out your sentiment about banning breed-specific legislation or abolishing prisons, then the app will email it out to your representative(s).

Shame Saver

Maybe politics aren’t your thing. You should still help, dammit, but that’s fine. I think it’s hard to block a belligerent, possibly drunk person from doing something that they really want to do. Instead, maybe we can just penalize it. After all, we need our phones and locking might seem extreme. If Regret Power is too heavy for you, try Shame Saver!

Expert Moneybags

So with this app, text all the idiots you want! Your exes may rebuff you or invite you over and it’s anyone’s guess which. However, each time you contact your flagged targets (let’s call them targets I guess), it’ll get tallied up. You’ll see a big shame marker in a widget, telling you that you failed 23 times, but this will also mean that you sent a whole $23 into your savings account.

The app won’t work unless your savings account is titled, I’m a Big Loser.

Quit Yer Bitchin’

We, all of us, complain to much. It is a drain on ourselves, but you can bet it is a drain on your friends, too! There is an emphasis on having a positive outlook, but that’s so hard when life is terrible and everyone is awful! What this app does is monitor your chat messages. I already hear the paranoid of you rolling in your graves over a voluntarily downloaded thoughtpolice app, but do you want to get better or not?


Basically, it’s like a psych app where you fill out some surveys about your thought processes, so you can both determine how negative you are and what you need to do to be less so. There will be little lessons and activities for you to do, but the real meat of the dish comes during chat. Every time you nag, naysay, rant, or whine, your screen will flash red and there will be an obnoxious sound. BWOOP! This one doesn’t donate pennies to some mental health institution or anything. It just takes over your phone and corrects you again and again and again.

There would be an option to turn it off whenever you need to gossip and drag someone through the trash though.

Sneer Back

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