Smooching. It is one of the best things there is. William Shakespeare said, “To smooch is divine. To do another thing is not as good as that, y’all.” When you smooch another person, you put your mouth on their mouth and kind of just smooch your mouths together, and is it ever good! There’s nothing better than sitting back with a tall glass of hot lemonade on a sunny winter afternoon and giving your sweetie the old mouth bridge. Here are four hot tips to make your smooching the best smooching it can be:

Have More Than One Cell

One of the most important things you’re going to want to have to kiss is a whole bunch of cells. A mess of ’em, teeming together in some kind of symbiotic frenzy that insinuates meaning despite its place in a cold, random, and uncaring world. The reason for this is that, at least for me personally, I’ve never seen a creature with a mouth that HAD only one cell. I think it would be hard to have a mouth with those limitations. So make sure you have plenty to go around!

Smooch A Living Person

Yes, smooching is great. And yes, Grandma certainly isn’t going anywhere now she’s moved on to the land of the not-so-living. But for the true smooching experience, you’ve just GOTTA go fresh and squirming. One of the best parts of mouth to mouth fun times has gotta be the moisture. And Mabel ain’t got the goods no more! So remember this easy mantra: When you’re mouth to mouth meetin’, hearts best to be beatin’.

Don’t Smooch In The Dread Fields of Y’Knakrrt

I don’t know how many times I’ve told teenagers not to run off into the Horror Plain or Dread Fields and cause themselves some grief. It may seem like it’s fun and dangerous to get to mouthy grips with your paramour under the shade of a dripping hate mushroom but just like any Dread Fields you’re going to face a problem: Lust Mosquitos. With hypodermic needle-like attachments instead of legs they’ll drain your good humours in no time until all that’s left is phlegm and bile. If you insist on taking your lover on a trip to the Emulsificating Shrub or the Tree of a Thousand Screams, make sure you take some bouillon cubes, which the mosquitoes find altogether too meaty, and their square shape distracting and unpleasant.

Clean The Blood Off Your Face Before You Smooch:

So you’re at the top of the Hill of Glory and ready to give your sweetie a fresh batch of your world-famous mouth juice. It can be easy to get lost in your emotions, but remember: Your face is almost certainly covered in blood from something or other. Whatever you were doing before is almost certain to have been inside a waterfall of gizzards and entrails and the best way to tell your boo she (or he) is the one for you is a gleaming face, where they can clearly see the holes where there used to be your eyes.