Google.com. Bing.com. Tumblr.com. With names as stupid as these, we must have run out of truly worthy website names a long time ago, right? Right? NUH-to-the-motherfucking-UH. Our crack Sneer Investigationist Team went under deep internet cover to discover the shocking truth about the websites that everyone assumes are taken: that the only barrier to website success is our failure to dream hard enough and reach for the internet stars.
1. agreatwebsite.com
I can’t for the life of me understand why this website isn’t occupied. Where else would you go when you want to just visit a really great website? I go there at least once a month just to check if anyone has snapped up this absolute winner of a website. I’d visit every day.
2. downlow.com and tooslow.com
When I searched for tooslow.com, I was sure I’d find something. A product, a scathing critique of the USA’s telecommunications duopoly, a database of really shitty racehorses. Yet I was destined to find nothing. So imagine my surprise, when I discovered downlow.com was available too. Do people not care about high fives anymore? The world is changing and I don’t like it.
3 & 4. huckleberrychuckles.com and sophisticatty.com
Two suggested side projects of Amandoll’s, these websites were to feature “gentle barnyard humour” on what was presumably a huckleberry farm, and images of cats in fine urbane costumery with witty or haughtily snarky comment captions. Maybe monocles. Neither came to fruition, which is truly the tragedy of our generation.
5. getonthat.com
Get on that! Who wouldn’t want this wonderful website. It’s a name that is its own instruction, you don’t even need to think about it! Go get on that dot com! People are always talking about getting on things and if history is to be trusted, language never changes. Get on this!
6. sexualtypeladies.com
Now maybe it’s just me, but I’ve noticed on the internet there seem to be a lot of sexual type ladies. I see them in advertisements, and I see them in search results. Sometimes I see them on forums and message boards. My thinking is, why not have a website where you can put all the pictures of sexual type ladies together? While this one is a little more out there, I think we can all agree that a website with sexual type ladies would have a real chance in this internet of ours.
7. donotbuytheseproducts.com
Just a heads up, later on in this paragraph you are going to be a spider in a metaphor. If you are afraid of spiders please prepare yourself. This website is a classic exercise in reverse psychology just waiting to happen. Confronted with the order not to buy your terrible goods, the consumer will rebel, and you may draw them, spider-like, further into your spidery web of capitalism. This is the part where you are a spider. Please breathe deeply.
8. romeopathic.com
Do you wish there was a site where you could meet a great guy, but not TOO great a guy? Or maybe even a website where they get a little piece of a great guy, shake it up in water a whole bunch, then get an okay guy to drink it. This would be the perfect place for that website. “Romeopathic.com: diluting your expectations since 1999.”
HONOURABLE MENTION:
While it’s not as great as agreatwebsite.com, this website is definitely good! Congratulations to the folks at Fairburn Computer Repair for snapping up what should be a hard-fought territory.