The human celebrity is a creature that is much sought-after indeed. For whatever reason, these celebrity people have given up any chance of privacy or normal living so that they can be recognized wherever they go, mobbed by crowds of frightening strangers, followed by photographers, ambushed by undercover police, and hunted by stalkers. I suppose they enjoy all of that attention, and of course also the millions of dollars that are delivered to them by dump truck every morning. It would be all peaches and sunshine if these famous people could get attention, cash dollars, and sprawling mansions without having to feel annoyed or even occasionally terrified. It would be rainbows and roses if they could only be seen in clubs and restaurants and gated communities where only other pretty people with equal levels of wealth and fame could see each other and they’d never ever be bothered by gross icky nobodies like the rest of us.

However, this is simply not the case.

Modern celebrities must indulge us by appearing to be reasonably nice and approachable (preferably without having to demonstrate these traits too often) because if they do not, then their beloved popularity can suffer. And popularity is very, very important. If they fall out of favor, it is sometimes quite difficult to ever return to their former glory.

I am going to explain to you all how to wheedle yourselves into the lives of any celebrity of your choosing by coming across as charming, lovely, and worthwhile through written letters. You’ll thank me when this is all over, although I may get some anger from the famous person quadrant if you don’t get it right, so please pay attention.

 

Step One: Pick Your Person

I know this seems silly at first, but you really must put a lot of thought into which celebrity to target. There are different levels of fame and different volumes of popularity. This act of writing to a famous person, it is very much a gamble. You must look at each celebrity on your list and ask yourself things such as: how many people are probably trying to get his or her attention this week? Very popular celebrities get thousands of letters, sometimes per day! These celebrities employ secretaries or other lucky saps to go through these sometimes-sticky pages, print out form letters, lick stamps, and stuff envelopes. You may get an autographed photo, but then again, you might just get a note thanking you for your interest and maybe a post script typed at the bottom answering a few of your questions that these employees have seen repeatedly, such as the celebrity’s favorite ice cream flavor, book, and color. These forms may pretend to be from the actual celebrity, or they may have the nerve to make it plain that the celebrity is too busy to write to you, so he or she had this person do it for them, but still, please, thank you for your interest.

So maybe that movie star you have had a steady crush on for multiple years is a little out of your league for the results you want. And we all want results. I am not saying that it is impossible to intrigue this star into befriending you; I am just saying that the odds are stacked against you and you might get discouraged early and quit. This is why I recommend that we start with the small potatoes.

We must consider the B Stars, and occasionally stars that have lower letters on the alphabet fronting their statuses. The distinction is sometimes hard to make, but if you can imagine actually meeting this person without ruining your pants in excitement, the chances are better that you could make a good impression on them. Certain musicians are good candidates for this as are people who had their heyday more than fifteen years ago. Often, rising stars and starlets have ego problems because you probably need to have one while fighting for a place in that game. They should be avoided until they have had their first fall.

Many celebrities have websites. This is where you can get mailing addresses, often c/o a friend or employee or president of their fan club. Otherwise, you can probably nose around on the internet to find the mailing addresses, or maybe find what company employs them if it is a musician or author and write to the person care of that company. I’m sure you’ll figure this part out. Personally, I just don’t write to a person unless I randomly stumble upon contact information. That way, it seems like divine providence and the crazy part of my brain is pleased.

 

Step Two: Looks Are Everything

I am not exactly proud to say this, but the look of your letter upon first glance will make or break your scheme. Knowing this, however, will enable you to use it to your advantage. Do you suspect that the person would be impressed by creativity? Then spruce up your handwriting and draw everywhere. Does your chosen star love opulence? Teach yourself calligraphy and use a fancy gold metallic ink to attract them. Are you writing a rock musician? Just send nude photos (hint: they don’t have to actually be you).

I prefer the look of handwritten letters, therefore I am certain that all of the celebrities do as well. Writing with a pen or pencil allows the person to whom you are writing the opportunity to see just how unhinged you probably are. To make it even better, I thoroughly recommend unlined paper, the type normally used for printers. This way, your sentences will swerve up when you say happy things about how glad you will be when they write you back promptly, and veer violently downwards when you describe how upset you will be if you do not hear back from them. It is a delight for the celebrity’s eyes to see these visual cues. Also, you can more easily write certain words much larger than the others, write in circles, or make it so that you are not otherwise restricted by little blue lines. Furthermore, it is nice when your small illustrations on the page are not interrupted by them.

The length of your letter is also very important. Many celebrities who are not so busy that they cannot read fan mail ARE too busy to read a twenty-five page opus from some lunatic in Nebraska. However, within reason, a multiple page letter might be tolerated by a famous person, especially if you happen to be a younger female writer. This is true for female celebrities as well, because they like being looked up to and girls seem less likely to become dangerous. Girls who are college aged and younger are notorious for their blabbing mouths and it is not unexpected to find them writing several pages to a stranger during class.

I myself am well beyond that age, so I prefer shorter letters. I still generally write like a nut, but I trust that since I am not yet forty-two years old and I do not resemble Kathy Bates, I might be allowed to still ramble on occasion. Of course, I seldom go into describing my age or including a photograph, so the celebrity does not know that and probably quakes in a little fear whenever I send them things. From now on, mark my words, I will be sure to include an autographed photo of myself. I will explain in my letter that I am doing us both a favor.

 

Step Three: Know How to Talk to These People

One thing that most people begin to forget in regards to celebrities is that they are really only human beings. Yes, they are very recognized by most people in the world. Yes, they could buy and sell your whole family if slavery was the “in” thing to do (and being that celebrities often dictate trends, watch for slavery to be brought back by some league of identical vapid ultra-wealthy cat-faced monsters within the next decade). They put old King Midas to shame. But deep inside, beneath all that plastic and silicone, beneath the furs and diamonds and platinum, beneath the haughty glares and rampant egomania, they are just people. Like you or me if we had more money than we knew what to do with! Armed with this knowledge, start writing your letter as though you were writing to the rich, powerful, cockier version of yourself.

Do you want to be sucked up to? Maybe at first, but we all know that gets old really fast. After so many people doing that very thing, you find it refreshing to meet a person unimpressed by your grandeur. Indeed, you want them to respect you, but you do not want worship. Neither does the celebrity! So write in a friendly voice. Be familiar to them and they will soon forget that you are a stranger, right? Isn’t that how it works? Of course it is. Write in the future tense a lot. Speak about how much fun you will have as pen pals. Tell him or her about this really great recipe you have and that they would love it if you made it for them. Pepper your letter with anecdotes that barely relate to anything you were speaking about sentences before. They’re going to love getting to know you because you are a fantastic snowflake, unique on this earth. Your stories are new to them, and they’ll want to hear all of them in due time. Throw in asides, everyone loves asides. They are never frustrating or distracting and always enhance the quality of anything you are doing!

Keep in mind, however, that you should not come off as being too pushy. Celebrities know their worth. They know what they want to do, and by god, they DO what they want! Sometimes they don’t want some jerk know-it-all stranger writing them a letter, detailing all of the things they should want to do for him or her. In fact, if you come across as too pushy, or if you select a hot-headed celebrity who gets angry a lot, you might not get the friendship you are looking for. You may instead get the silent treatment. That would be horrible.

 

Step Four: But What Should You Say?

Naturally, each celebrity is different, each fan has an individual tapestry of needs to be met, and each scenario is totally unique. You may be writing an author to get practical tips in order to better your own writing style. Perhaps you are contacting a musician to speak highly of his or her musical techniques, and maybe would like to ask for that person to listen to things you have made. Maybe you have this overwhelming need to write to a politician so that you can further some agenda you have. Or possibly you have this undying need to ask a movie star to put all morals aside and give you babies, give you babies right now. Who am I to speculate why you might want to write the famous person of your choice? I’ll tell you who I am not: I am not a psychic.

Anyway, I’d like to point out that it is generally a good idea to butter up the celebrity with heartfelt compliments. You must be sincere, but do not overdo it with flattery. Flattery often rings false, and more importantly, it often rings creepy. Celebrities get stalked more often than most people, so they have an acute sense of terror anytime they think they might be in danger. Stalkers are creepy, wrong people. I am not in favor of stalkers, no sir. And I am not just saying this in case someone reads this article and somehow misconstrues everything I say here and decides, “Amandoll says to stalk in order to get the best results.” NO! That is not at all what I want. It isn’t what anyone wants.

However, the celebrity may fear that this is what you want, and your honest attempts at getting your foot in the door via flattery may very well end in restraint orders and police brutality, depending on how persistent you are. If you catch yourself sounding a bit creepy after you re-read your most recent paragraphs, be sure to add in the margins that you are not actually frightening and that you are in fact quite harmless. Stressing this point puts the celebrity at ease and never ever sets off alarms in their heads.

I must also add that it is probably a good idea to not come off as utterly desperate. No one wants to be the friend of a person who continually states that they really REALLY want to be your friend. It is somewhat pathetic. And all friendships are based on respect. You want the celebrity to respect you and decide on their own that they’d like to get to know you better. Never beg.

 

Step Five: Wrap It Up

All right, you have written two pages of promises and charm to your celebrity of choice. Now comes the tricky part where you exhibit suave smoothness and close your letter in a way that is not at all stunted or awkward. Ending letters has always been somewhat difficult, I find, so I think good advice would be to make some excuse about why you must stop engaging their minds and flattering them expertly. Suggest that the cookies in the oven are burning, or the dog is trapped in the sofa, or that a tornado warning has been issued in your area.

Do be sure to remind them to write you back soon. VERY soon. And that you will be looking forward to hearing from them. And you may even remark on your plans for your reply letter. Say something like, “Oh, and remind me to tell you the story of my Crazy Aunt Ida and ‘The Nursing Home Debacle’ − you should get a laugh out of that one.” Be clever, make up your own hook that will land them in your Net of Being a Pen Pal.

It is also good form to write out your mailing address in clearly legible print all over the last page. You cannot rely on the Return Address for it may get torn as the attention-starved celebrity or volunteer mail sorter rips the envelope open. Actually, it is often a good idea to include a self-addressed stamped envelope for them to use. Because then, if they don’t write you back EVEN THEN, then you can mark that celebrity down as an awful earthbound demon sent from HELL to spoil the world and worse: is now a has-been!

 

This Is Not a Step: Closing the Article

So there you have it. You now understand how to lure the rich and famous into your life. Your handwriting will club them between the eyes with intrigue, but it will be your carefully crafted content consisting of compliments and crazed anecdotes that will drag them by the hair into your cave of FUN and never your prison-cave of murder. Okay?

With any luck, you and your celebrity will be frolicking hand-in-hand through a meadow, or shopping for a house together within six months. These goals are achievable. And be sure to tell them that I say hello. That’s the other way I ingrain myself into their hollow existences: I try to get everyone else to talk about me. I swear it will work someday.