There are a lot of things that are American that we love. EVERYTHING in fact. USA USA USA. We’re covering a lot of them this week, so I’d like to talk about barbecues and how fucking hot they are, starting right there in the painful heat of the summer.
They are super fun, of course. You get to hang out with your friends and/or family, eat tasty but terrible foods, and maybe even play some games or light fireworks, depending on what’s legal near you and/or if you have a family of scofflaws. But it’s hot. It’s so hot out. It’s so, so hot.
But it’s time to chill out.
The Ol’ Freezer Door
Get in there! Pop inside your home, or whoever’s home it is, and look for something in the freezer. Whatever it is, it better not be there. Look around, cool off, shake your head like a shampoo commercial. I would recommend doing it for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Someone who knows about freezers, wasting energy, the environment, or being over 40 years old would recommend that you not do it at all.
The beauty of this one is that hopefully there is also air conditioning indoors and then it’s a double-whammy of delightful cool air.
If you’re stuck outside and you’re not too worried about staying dry in the face of the summer sun, grab a hose. If you’re lucky, the backyard you’re in has a sprinkler and it wouldn’t look crazy if you ran through it or sat in a prayer pose with it splashing right in your face. Either way, you’re guaranteed some cold water, chilling you right to the bone.
Depending on how hot it is, people will want to join in on this one, especially kids. Be prepared for this eventuality.
Not full nudity, unless you’re very brave, or it’s normal at your particular barbecue. If you’re a gal I’d recommend wearing a tank top and no bra, tiny shorts. The least possible clothes, really. Or just a breezy short dress. Happy summer! Dudes, just wear a swimsuit and no shirt. Lucky ducks.
It might not be appropriate for the whole event, so be sure to bring something extra to wear, like a gauzy shawl or a slightly bigger t-shirt. Remember to keep it classy.
Grab someone who feels cooler to the touch than you do. It helps if you know them, and if they don’t hate you. Hug them tight, try to absorb their coolness. Really, you can only give them your heat, so do that. Shove it into their skin. Don’t make it obvious, for goodness sake.
If all else fails, just rub some ice on your body.