Despite my repeated listenings of “The Gambler,” by Kenny Rogers in my youth, I was never much into gambling, myself. I even waved off schoolyard bets where the stakes were beloved toys, chores, or stranger acts and favors. I am not sure why I didn’t have an interest in such. That added layer of risk detracted from experiences for me, I guess. Mysteries! Wet blanket, fuddy dud mysteries! Unsolvable.

Well, recently Dollissa compelled me to bet on a horse race, the Kentucky Derby, you may have heard of it. Bet with REAL MONEY, by the way, it wasn’t for funsies − it was for keeps! No one was more surprised than I was that my hastily, arbitrarily picked horse, Nyquist, won. He won! He won FOR ME. I thought that my $13 would turn into $13.50 or something, but I wound up winning over $40. I became wealthy! I became hooked.

I fear that slot machines and casino gambling might feel like work, so my slippery slope isn’t too slippery yet. My bug isn’t that advanced. I have to build up to those things. If this is my new hobby– No! New LIFESTYLE, I need to be sensible about it. My great uncle combated a gambling addiction, so I imagine that means I am genetically predisposed to this new way. But still, I must keep in mind that I might get a farm just so I could bet it all on something. It’s too soon. So first, I will enact a plan:

1. I shall frequent a track. The smell of horse sweat and deadbeat dads, the sounds of hooves and staticky P.A. systems, the tension and the happiness of all the times I win yet more money, and I won’t even entertain the notion of losing.
2. Smell of bourbon. Maybe grizzled horse-bet enthusiasts drink vodka too, but I am going to stink of bourbon. It seems more authentic to me, somehow, maybe that link to Kentucky? Bourbon morning, noon, and night, with a mint julep exactly one day every year, that’s the life for me!
3. I shall only read racing forms. No, I will probably never understand what they try to tell me, but that’s okay. I select the winners with intuition and confidence. I may try to memorize the terms and maybe how to speak of “odds” but only enough that I can then muddle my way through an awkward conversation.

Is there anything more satisfying than making money just because a horse far away exerted itself? I suspect yes! It is probably very satisfying to win money by scratching a lottery ticket. In fact, I might soon turn to purely lottery ticket styles of gambling because horse racing is a vile “sport” in many ways. Don’t think that I like it, or what they do to these animals. It’s awful, really, the more I think of it. I mean, I know what happens. I know better than to support this horrible flawed industry of torment and sorrow. Oh no, I’ve made a forty dollar fortune on the abuse of a sweet creature. The forty dollars of ice cream I intend to purchase with my earnings will taste bitter. It is what I deserve.

Don’t worry though, I’ll save back some dollars and buy some scratchy tickets. I don’t want to be a quitter so early in the game!