I always like to say that there are many ways to live a life. It is an expression of tolerance because, really, there are as many ways to live as there are people who have been alive — and probably more ways to live than that! People are different and have different interests and hobbies. They make various life decisions and so on. They live uniquely to each individual.

I also like to say that there are only two ways to [do whatever], so I am also going to say right now that even though there are many ways to live a life, there are only two ways to live: Half-Assed or Whole-Assed. I’m right with both of my statements, so I am comfortable about coming at you with both barrels blazing here. That’s right, my life knowledge word shotgun has two contradicting barrels, side by side. It’s another way to live a life.

Living Life Half-Assed

The Simpsons once told us that doing only a half-decent job is the modern American Way. I think originally the lesson was that if you feel you aren’t paid enough, then you reduce the quality of your work to match that. But then Shary Bobbins eventually sang a song that got stuck in my head for many years.

The lesson became that you should only put the minimum of energy into most of your every day activities, especially chores. Cutting corners allows you more time to spend on pursuits you actually enjoy! Or so the theory goes.

But that was during the cynical 1990s, or “the Nineties” as they are also known. There were people back then called “slackers” and their attitude towards life was to be jaded and “over it”. You couldn’t derive enjoyment in things because at some point you would stop enjoying it I guess, and maybe a whole generation of kids decided that that was too depressing to experience, so never enjoy. Never love. Never hope. Never try. Maybe they never put that much thought into it, but it was the spirit of the times, I swear it.

I am sure that there are still people like that now but I don’t know what the term is for them. They exist though because nothing changes except terminology, so each generation can feel like they are the first to experience the same things that have been around forever.

But we are not like that on the sneer campaign. We are here to advocate a different kind of way.

Put Your Whole Ass Into It

Our favored school of thought suggests that you practice mindfulness. Be Present, they say. Notice the leaves of the trees, the fabric of a curtain, the subtle iridescence of a single pigeon feather. Be aware of these things and always be filled with wonder. Sounds exhausting! But it also sounds pleasant. Our friend Candice spoke to us of this sort of living and we were immediately intrigued.

We of the Sneer Campaign love pluck and vim and verve. We have tried life only half-lived. It’s depressing! It’s boring! But being entertained by blank walls and white noise? Now that’s where it’s at! That might even be ascending into a zenlike state of being! We’re in. We’re all in!

We are living the whole ass life now. Paying attention to every second like it’s the only second, appreciating each action we do as though it’s the first action we have ever done, taking each breath like it is the new breath of a new life — that’s our way. That is living with your entire ass when you do that.

I spent a day last year where I put my full ass into each thing I did and it was irrefutably the best day I spent in 2020. Not only did I live happily through each moment, I also got a nifty new phrase to use without mercy. When I washed dishes, I was able to say that I was going to put my whole ass into that sink. And I did. Each scrub was earned. Those dishes sparkled! My whole life sparkled!

Why not give it a try? You will undoubtedly feel silly a little at first when you put every ounce of your being in actions you normally do on autopilot. Walk down a hallway with your whole entire ass experiencing it. Notice the walls, the flooring. Appreciate them. When you wash your hands, wash them with all of your ass in the process. Feel the cleanliness. Appreciate your fingerprints. Go back to the start of this article and re-read it with every single bit of your ass, then read other articles too.

Just try a day with just you and 100% of your ass feeling 100% of the time and see how it goes for you. At the very least, it should broaden your mind and leave a sense of enrichment. Dare I say that your ass will never be the same again? It will never be fuller, and that surely is the goal of all.