New New Age Trends

At this point in our lives, in human history, the New Age is feeling pretty old. New Agers are basically great-grandparents or more and who wants to follow in THOSE lifestyles? Not us! And not you, either. It is time for the NEW New Age and what better way than to mash up old trusted things with other equally as old trusted things and then presented in ways that our ancestors couldn’t even imagine, not even with their Free LSD Parties or wheat grass juice diets held for 25 years.

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Grab your crystals and your multiple computing devices in case you need them and get ready for the latest trends. Don’t get left behind with the fads of yesteryear when you can jump on the latest bandwagon of your choice. We’ve outlined our favorites below but you’ll have to visit Pinterest (we assume) for more information and the strict guidelines.


Veterinary Constellations

We have zodiac reference books for many of the important things in our lives, and hardly anything is more important than the well-being of our pets. This book will provide you with information about your veterinarian whose birth date and time will be easy to look up on their clinic’s site. Similarly, you will be able to see what sorts of ailments your pets are predisposed to having. Is it time to make an appointment for Mittens? Which vet will you choose? Should you treat this condition with crystals or antibiotics? Just grab a few required details and you’ll find advice such as, “If the vet is a Taurus, she will know exactly which quality bedding material your pet prefers” and “If the vet is a Gemini, she will be late for every appointment.”

Bonus chapter: the best crystal collar tags for your feline friends (full-color).


ASMR Mindfulness

Instead of listening to paper rustling, weird domination things, or pickle-eating, try some affirmations. These YouTube celebrities will whisper to you that you’ll reach your goals, shuffle around some certificates of accomplishment, and more. Even if you want something lowly such as untold amounts of riches, you can find thousands of these videos filled with whispers and coins clinking together into a pile. Crank up your speakers and get ready for a good time, you beautiful champion! Listen to one these 45 minute ASMR videos twice a day and we guarantee that you’ll remember the things that are being repeated at low volume into a laptop microphone.


Yoga for Your Third Eye

If yoga has taught me, a big deal new age guru, anything, it’s that stretching is important and breathing is even more important. Let’s exercise your third eye the way that’s proven to help your whole body and soul already. Learn the 10 basic Third Eye Yoga moves along with my step by step instructions, and feel truly aligned. It stands to reason that standing in some sort of Peaceful Warrior Stance while blinking and widening your third eye rapidly will improve every aspect of your psychic world within. Were you only doing physical yoga before now? Quick, before your friends find out that you’re stuck in 2013, strike a pose.



Lucid Dreaming Shamans

Dreams are great, but we all want to go lucid. Lucid dreaming is the goal − for both entertainment and self-discovery purposes. Join a workshop at your local community center and have a real life dream shaman show you how. Through the use of smoke and incantations, your dreams will be entered by the shaman who will show you what’s up and how to most efficiently gain self-realization or maybe even the best time you’ve ever had in your life. Prepare to never want to be awake again − even MORE than you already do.


Voodoo Superfood

Get with the Now, kids. Hate is in the past. Today, we will be turning ourselves into voodoo dolls that are connected to our best friends, perhaps by wearing enchanted friendship bracelets or amulets that split in half and join to make a whole when you want them to. In this one, you feed and nourish yourself to treat whatever ailments you suspect your friend could some day be victim to. Will she or he get dehydrated today, then you better drink enough water. Bound up? Eat high fiber cereals for them. Vitamin deficient? Not anymore as you eat all of the complete, balanced foods that any human could need. Watch as you BOTH grow strong and healthy.


Ouija Walkie Talkies

Imagine being out on some spiritual hike and suddenly needing to post to your favorite social media platform or send a chat message to your friend of the day, but oh no! Your phone has no connection! Simply pull out a pen and paper and create a Ouija Board and planche and connect to the spirit realm, which is ALWAYS available to connect. After receiving communication from a local ghost, you can ask it to contact a friend or to post for you and it will be done. I imagine that the ghosts will begin wearing headsets like they work in call centers, because they do. They work for US now!

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