Too often I find myself searching for a cult to join and finding only religious ones, or creepy death cults, or what could turn out to be a highly illegal sex cult. Much like shopping for trouser-pants, it’s so hard to find a perfect fit! But what is a cult? Why, it’s anything you want it to be, baybee, and therein lies the appeal.

You hear about cults a lot in the news, from time to time, and it’s everyone’s dream to be on the front page at some point. Stop waiting for Fate to strike, and instead take Destiny into your own hands. Attract people to you, make them chant and obey you, dress them however you like, and pick a snazzy name. It’s as easy as that! Enjoy the thrills of having a mass of people flock to you and believe you to be the answer to all of life’s troubles. Who needs a significant other when you can have a modest assemblage of worshipers?

 

 

Voodoo Cult

Voodoo is a spiritual path and a religion for many people. Not for you, though. As the leader of a voodoo cult you are not going to do any research at all! Just read some vampire books set in New Orleans, decide to pronounce things in a fairly offensive Haitian way, watch some movies from 1942 that probably should have been set adrift from our culture in 1943, and away you go! I envision the best places for your altar to be in an attic or crawlspace. Set one up in a walk-in closet! Your role is as high priest/ess, commander of the spirits, and your followers will believe you to have all the powers that they wish they had, themselves. It also helps if you are good at speaking in tongues and predicting future events, I find.

Must Haves:

• Fake shrunken heads
• Candles, so many candles
• Decorative Skulls
• Outrageous wardrobe

Must Not Haves:

• Animal Sacrifice
• Authentic shrunken heads
• Anyone over who knows anything about Voodoo or its many related forms

 

Personality Cult

Are you amazing? Sure you are but does everyone else agree? Sure they do! Start with your own fan club and build from there. Start a site — hey like this one! And then effortlessly be so stunning and intriguing that you get some fans. Fans are a mere step from being die-hard fans, then comes fanatical fans and worship! Soon, you’ll be living off of gifts and the altars are mostly in the bedrooms of people you have never met! The dream of all! Of all of me. Of every bit of me!

Must Haves:

• Charisma
• A public face
• Knowledge of public relations
• Something everyone wants or wishes they could have, too

Must Not Haves:

• Modesty
• Fear of strangers
• Dislike of public scrutiny

 

UFO Cult

Welcome, space brethren! Becoming a leader of a scifi fantasy cult is possibly the easiest of all. Watch and read all of the science fiction you can, subscribe to NASA’s twitter, and then read your old alien short stories that you wrote in middle school. Mix them up and apply what is generated in a thick coat over the best aesthetic a cult can have. Decorate your entire house in retro futuristic ultra-modern furnishings. Luxuriate in a form-fitting bodysuit covered by some sort of tunic. Accessorize! You can and WILL be worshiped as an intergalactic being residing in a human husk, with a mental beam that connects directly to an alien planet. Yes.

Must Haves:

• Class
• Memorized Scifi Terms
• Specific Alien Culture

Must Not Haves:

• Self-doubt
• Skepticism
• Poor Taste in Garments or Decor

 

Egyptian Cult

If you know nothing else about the ancient Egyptians, DO know that they had style. Pillars, obelisks, hieroglyphics — all of these things look great when used to decorate a front room, den, or unoccupied bay in your garage. There are plenty of gods and goddesses to choose from. Personally, I worship Thoth, the ibis-headed god of wisdom and writing. It is not I, but Thoth, who writes all the words you see upon this site. In an Egyptian cult, your role will be as high priest or priestess. Go ahead and dress for the part, and get your most attractive followers to do so, as well. Remember: Only you can contact the deities, only you can read the etchings on the walls which you will do yourself.

Must Haves:

• Cute Statues and Figurines of Animal-headed Gods
• Pyramids
• Obelisk

Must Not Haves:

• Cat Mummies
• Human Mummies

 

Light and Love Cult

Gather your followers and pray to the Earth Mother — the Earth Mother happens to be who you are, by the way (regardless of gender). Take all of the things you know about New Age Hippies and amplify it by a million. Put your congregation on a steady diet of whole-grain gruel, make them drink pure spring water, have them breathe in air that has been filtered through the sun which has itself been filtered through glass of various colors, wear shapeless gowns that make you all equals. Tell them that color is healing, and everything is connected. Your altar will be in a field, surrounded by nature. Essential oils will be part of your daily habits.

Must Haves:

• Crystals
• Access to whole foods
• Reiki
• Those Singing Bowls

Must Not Haves:

• Fast Food
• Meat
• Negative Energy

 

“Secret Society” Cult

This is the hardest cult to form, but the most rewarding. It’s a little bit of a pain because by its very nature, it should be very hush-hush. You can’t get all of the attention you deserve from the media. Instead, you have to settle for the frightened obedience of members who are in over their heads. You will wield power over them — yes. Even life or death sorts of power. Be cold, calculating, and menacing. A perfect place for your Satanic-at-first-glance altar would be in a mausoleum, or, if you don’t yet have access to such, your own basement. Throw down some red cloth, light some black candles, save up for a taxidermied goat head, and before you know it, you’ll be holding a dagger aloft while cloaked and hooded followers tremble at your every shriek.

Must Haves:

• Real Goat Heads
• Real Human Skulls
• A knowledge of infernal geometry

Must Not Haves:

• Kittens
• Criminal Record
• Any traces of normal life anywhere in the vicinity
• Fears for your immortal soul