In my little precious bubble of existence, I don’t keep up with modern trends of fashion or technology. Sometimes I encounter them and feel like a time traveler from the past. I have been in one or two standard family living rooms and marveled at their entertainment set ups. Half-internet and half-television! Smart homes! Siri and so forth. These new ways frighten and perplex me, but I have accepted that I am a relic of times gone by. It is fine.

However I am still shocked by encountering the old ways. There are so many ways that the world has improved, even though I might have not noticed. A lot of it is gradual, and other things seem instantly groundbreaking and so very good. There have been excellent achievements in making things more streamlined, faster, easier — even though there is this lumbering monster of ineptitude, mistakes, and dread bureaucracy hiding behind many things, I guess. That aside, some things haven’t changed, and I am bewildered by it. This is why you are reading this sad list now.

Phone Calls

I avoided making phone calls twenty years ago, and my policy has not changed. Did you know that there still exist pizzerias that expect you to order by phone? How can this even be? We have the internet, and people have phones (in name only) that connect to the internet, so it is unimaginable to me that any restaurant or eatery expects people to call in and verbally describe what they wish to order. Even more unimaginable to me is that people still do call!

But it isn’t just the food places! There are still appointments that are being made into the ears of receptionists for businesses and medical offices! You want me to shorten my life with stress-minutes just because you don’t want to invest in an online form for me to fill out? Hurry up and join the modern times! Why would anyone want to deal with a customer over the phone, anyway? Customers are terrible! They’re terrible in so many ways and everyone is aware of it!

“Business Days” Still Exist!

We live in a global community where the whole world is experiencing every hour of a day at the same time, individually in slices. Packages are being delivered seven days a week. Many places have 24 hour customer service in case someone is frustrated in the middle of the night — no matter where that night is taking place. And yet, I have been told that I must wait as many as fourteen “business days” to receive a conclusion to some long-lasting minor drama. Business Days! It’s still a measurement of time?? I reeled in frustration as I remembered that fourteen business days isn’t just two weeks, it’s basically three weeks. Unacceptable! A crime!

Banks have customers in every U.S. State and there should be no business hours, let alone the idea of “business days.” I thought our workers were all overworked! How do they get weekends off? If you want to convince me that businesses who cling to business days still make their employees come in on weekends, but to do nothing to help the customers, just to torture us — I would believe you faster than I probably should.

Money Taking Time

We all know that Time Is Money but why is money still taking more than an instant to move around in accounts, or to pay a thing? Modern currency is just basically always made up numbers that represent wealth, anyway. I’m not really sure any of it actually exists outside of Bezos’ expansive gold coin vault. So why can’t we just trade around those little numbers immediately?

“Hello, friend, I have a note in my account that says the payment is pending and I know you need it now but I have no control over it anymore. I don’t even know who does. Can you wait a few business days?” Are we living in the Stone Age?

Commuting

Office workers of the world, unite! A lot of these office jobs can be done remotely. And over the pandemic year, many of them were switched to that scenario with no serious ill effects. Work still was completed, traffic was less ridiculous to a point, and the world went on peacefully. It makes a lot of sense to let people continue in this way. They don’t really need to congregate in an office building. And now they are making them go back to the office environment. How about don’t?

In fact, give people a task to be completed by the end of the week or whenever a deadline happens, let them work whatever hours suits them best. Let them sit out in the sunlight if they wish. Use the money you used to use for renting an office building as bonuses for everyone. Keep them happy. They’ll work from cafes or relaxed eateries and boost the local economy. Better business ideas! And allow the workers who have to be places to drive in other types of work go about their business with slightly less crowding on the roadways. I clearly have everything figured out and am definitely an expert on this topic. Don’t question me. I am here to make the world a better place.

Full Disclosure: I may be swayed by Dollissa’s job which has gone so far as to abandon having even a physical headquarters location. I applaud them for this. Influence everyone, Automattic! You’re doing the right thing!