Often I have considered attending graduate school. There are few degrees that I would be interested in, such as Library and Information Sciences, or Publishing. But what I would really, truly want to study for too many hours a day and several more years of my life probably isn’t offered anywhere.

Here are some things that I would go all-in for, along with an example thesis I might choose. I’d even do my homework. In fact, if these programs were offered somewhere, I’d probably go back to school for all four, then hide away in a tiny house in Amandoll’s yard using my degrees by muttering to myself and my cats and a cardboard cutout of Harry Solomon.

Sitcoms

Program Need: This post-secondary education will prepare you for the pivotal moment when someone turns to you at a party and mentions something even remotely related to television. That is the moment that you start to talk about what you know about sitcoms, endlessly. You talk until everyone gets away from you and the party ends and you talk until the night comes and goes. You talk until you are happy.

Sample Courses: A Pilot Study, Hogan’s Heroes, Crossover Episodes, Television as Reality, Watch More

Thesis: Developing a Myth Arc in Modern Television as a Function of a Comedic Series

 

Leisure Living

Program Need: In the modern era, work is such a part of life that often people work many jobs. Isn’t that crazy? Here we will teach our students how to live a life without obligation, a life without work, and a life without expectation. Do you feel stress, anger, resentment, anxiousness, depression, or sadness? This is the curriculum for you. Change your life here, starting now. Or whenever you want. Take your time, it’s for your benefit.

Sample Courses: Netflix, Leisure Living with Others, Turn Compulsive Purchasing To Your Favor, Hoarding Basics

Thesis: Incorporating Leisure Into Work: A Modest Proposal

 

Cute Animal Identification

Program Need: It’s not going to cut it just to look at cute pictures of kittens and puppies anymore. You need to know the exact right baby or tiny animal for every occasion, in case of emergency. You need to know everything from ermines to baby lizards, from helpless baby birds to exotic sea creatures.

Sample Courses: Rodents, Basic Taxidermy, Cute Cryptids, All the Baby Animals, Super-Rare Darlings, Exotic and Far Flung Unheard-Ofs, Round and Fluffy, Even Sea Creatures

Thesis: Taxonomical Puns as Mood Relievers

 

Bitchiness

Program Need: It’s important to know when, where, and what to do to completely ruin someone else’s day, just in case. Some people call it New York Attitude or an East Coast Mentality, but the fact is, you won’t get very far in life acting like you’re from Hoffman, Illinois.

Sample Courses: Superficial Judgments, Arguing & Being Right, Gossip, Gossip II, Advanced Gossip

Thesis: Fuck You