Ah, traveling. It is the goal of many, for some reason, to venture forth from the safety and known comforts of home. I guess it is good for bragging. People never fail to look at you with envy when you say, “I was in New Orleans just this morning, and now I am here, with you.” Little do they know that I am not people. I am Dollissa. I have my own rules while traveling, and god I travel a lot!

Prepare to Embark

Before you board the plane, remember that you are leaving home. You are leaving safety, and your cats, and the comfort of hiding alone in the corner of your house. With these thoughts swirling and escalating in your mind, begin packing about twenty minutes before your Lyft arrives.

Are you forgetting anything? Of course you are but there are plenty of stores wherever your destination happens to be. Just as long as you remember to pack a credit card and identification, you will ultimately be fine, if inconvenienced and stressed.

Prepare for the Unpreparable

As you are transported to the airport, discover that your meds refill will not be honored in a different location. During the ensuing two hundred total phone calls between different pharmacies, your doctor, and your doctor’s receptionist, all while being checked into your flight, frisked by security, and while walking onto the plane, discover that your doctor actually forgot to okay the refill in the first place!

Count the minutes between that error and “being off your meds” until it is finally resolved as you land at your destination, stress-sweating and headachey from the strain of it all.

Prepare for Pain!

You’ll have to do a little prep in advance by having your IUD yanked out early enough that by exactly Day 1 of your trip you will be bleeding a river out of your vag, for the first time in literal years. Because you are a donk, you should bring 5 (five) tampons with you. These will last you for one single day.

As you lie in your rented bed in anguish and pain, being reintroduced to menstrual cramps that you had forgotten about because of years of medical science working for you, you will have to gather the strength to find your way to a store to buy more tampons or else you will stain everything in your sight. Enjoy!

Prepare for Panic

Each day, wake up in a very comfortable bed. This will be your most comfortable moment, as the rest of any travel becomes a series of escalating miseries. Starting with the first morning, count down to a panic attack. It will happen, the only question is when!

Leading up to your inevitable panic, you will vomit many times, for many reasons. It could be the heat, or maybe someone accidentally touched you while walking by, or a migraine. Or maybe you just ate too fast. Only the vomit knows, and it’s not telling. It’s only vomming and making you so stressed that you will probably vom again. Then you will dehydrate and panic into a migraine situation that will keep you confined to bed in a darkened room for perhaps as many as two days.

Prepare for FUN!

In between personally degrading activities, find time to eat a lot, hold an alligator, and become drunk! See sights, take pictures — don’t forget to post to instagram! The likes and jealous comments from friends will take some of the sting out.

Then, the best fun of all comes: getting back home and giving your friends their souvenirs and seeing your own cats and your own sweet bed. Plan to stay in bed for several days to recover from your trip. Vow to never travel again while also making plans for your next dreaded flight.