It’s official! Valentines Day is finally “out” as a romantic date meant for two. For years, more and more people have cottoned on that it is a false day designed for companies to make money on the insecurities of some and the unreasonable demands of others.

Don’t get us wrong — we still want to spend a lot of money on heart shaped things and blood diamonds. We just don’t like being pushed around and told when to express romantic love. And what’s so great about concentrated blasts of romantic love? Bland, general sensations of ANY love is hard enough!

Because this is a brand new way of living, we are here to give you some good suggestions on who, or what, to bestow your affections on today. The short answer is: Everyone, All the Time. But for the purposes of this article, we will provide examples.

Coworker

Work is weird and, depending on your office culture, you may not want to sprinkle valentines on the desks of your favorite coworkers. But what better place to bring some joy than a dismal, torturous, open office setting. Sure, you can’t change the thermostat to be less than freezing and you have to provide a detailed essay about why you need to take a day off, but you love those assholes.

Appropriate gift: candy or snacks, no card

Mailman

Our sidewalk heroes bring us love year round in the form of notes from family, packages that may or may not be gifts, and lots of junk mail to distract us from bills. When I spent more time outside (not winter) I’d offer the mailman bottles of water or a fresh coffee. That’s not as easy to leave in or near the mailbox though.

Appropriate gift: a nice note, coffee shop gift card, and a travel mug

Pets

Dote on your dumb animals, because they won’t break up with you. Animals are great because it doesnt really matter what you get them and you can ignore Dollissa’s detailed expert tips about gift giving. You can gift your pets something you’d give them any old day, just put a bow on it. You can even just pose them with things you aren’t actually giving them, they don’t know the difference! But it’s giving them attention, which is definitely what they want.

Appropriate gift: cat nip or rawhide bone, a selfie for social media proof

Barista

So maybe you love your favorite coffee shop, but you’re also aware that the kind gal or guy who always gets your order right, with a smile, doesn’t want to feel like you’re stalking them while they work and have no escape. In these situations it’s important to give your gift and make a graceful exit. Don’t hang around for praise or a marriage proposal. To celebrate Valentine’s day by spreading love all over town, you won’t have time to loiter creepily anyway.

Appropriate gift: a thank you card that does not have the word love

Friends

Instead of giving one stinky valentine to your one lame true love or whatever, give dozens to your bestest and most delightful friends. On this day of love messages, keep your heart wide open and send those love rays in every direction. Your friends have the best jokes, the cutest pets, the weirdest things in their freezer, and the most baffling stories. They make the best eggs and know all the most amazing wrestling anecdotes. They make photography calendars and internet advent calendars. They draw you in the slickest kicks, post about trampolines, and moved to your neighborhood. They just got engaged, got a new puppy, and make podcasts with you. They make bots, offer help, and tried to create a viral video. They make pixel art, and gif art, crochet, pony art, and fan art. They voice chat with you in late hours and NEVER shush you. They make you watch Dynasty, or Brooklyn Nine Nine.

Appropriate gift: a blog post