Haha “minutes.” Who am I kidding? I have only had this game for a few days and it feels like I have done little else. Like Alphabears before it, Disco Bees is my game of choice for idling away my time as tick tock this time will never come back to me. Unlike Alphabears, there is very little about this game that feels like a brain exercise, though, so I can’t pretend to feel good about it.

I was compelled to get this app because something that combined bees, the best of insects, with disco, the most hilarious of music, had to be good. And it IS good. Sort of. You just match bees and achieve goals and try to reach a three gold star rating because why not. They provide you with a soundtrack of an eternal disco-like song. Game play lasts until you run out of lives for a session, which might take a hundred hours to do. Several times already, I have stopped playing due to fatigue. I didn’t know apps let that happen. I thought they were all designed to make you want to pay real human money in order to play just a little while longer. I’m not sure if I am complaining with this observation, but it does unsettle me somewhat.

After the first ten minutes, by the way, you will become fatigued with its soundtrack, which is repetitive and bland. It is disco in the loosest sense of the word: its beats tepid and uninspired, its tune unremarkable. It is the sort of disco a saltine cracker might make if it was forced to do so while in a state of great ennui. This music is an insult to bees everywhere! I’m a kind soul, however, and have taken it upon myself to recommend some music to play loudly while Disco Bee-ing.

 

Bee Prepared…

You may notice right away that you can select bees to help you before a level begins. And there are ads you can watch that start you off with a ninja bee, which SLICES through lines of bees. And you can make combos out of bees that turn into boxing bees and psychedelic hippie monster bees that obliterate bees of a certain color. There sure are a lot of extra bees! Maybe some day you will understand how to get them to do your bidding, just as the queen gets you to do her bidding. Think of her as you celebrate life with this song.

 

The Backyard

The tutorial world is gentle and easy and goes by pretty swiftly. It tells you of the basics of gameplay. There are different formations that have different results when you manage to arrange them, and here, you get to see what that’s like. In the backyard, your hand is held and all is comforting. You can go ahead and feel very secure in your disco bee abilities for this part. Here is the perfect little jam for this dewdroplet. Strut around this world, feeling like a skilled bee, worthy of admiration and envy.

 

Flower Land

Quite often, the queen demands that you clear out some honey from the hive. You should answer her that yes, you can do that. You can also boogie. All night long. In fact, when you win a board, the bees boogie with happiness. Study their styles and then shimmy all over that board to the rhythm put forth in this classic.

You might notice around this level, as I did, that you are sometimes given the option to watch an advertisement. Doing so will give you a free ninja bee. Never feel that you are too good to take up this offer. Freebie bees are an important element to this game and in a short time, you will find that you look forward to watching commercials. Your integrity for the price of a ninja bee. You knew this day would come. I have the right Italo disco tune for this moment when you learn to be happy in your station as pathetic bee-junkie.

Sometimes you will need to get a little pollen down to the bottom. I found this to be a task that never troubled me. Thus, we must listen to music that is similarly pleasing. Disco Tex and his Sex-o-lettes know what to do. This Youtube goes on long enough that you will probably put down the game for a while in order to get dancin’ yourself. You won’t be able to help yourself. No one can blame you.

 

Attack of the Zombees

The first couple of levels with Zombees were a little tough, so you should listen to Hi-NRG music which means business. Until this point, the game was laid back, but the zombees will touch alive bees and zombee-fy them! A little anxiety is added due to this increase in difficulty. So, you should walk like a man and stomp on undead bees.

The third level of Zombees is so hard and I want to kill myself over it. Cchris, our resident discologist, recommends this as suitable suicide music.

I did make it past this level due to a fluke of random fortunate bee formations, but each level after it has been similarly frustrating. Each time, I feel desperately stuck because I refuse to pay for helper ninja bees and I squandered all of mine ages ago thinking that they replenish. Apparently they don’t! Is the end of my time with Disco Bees very near?? God willing, yes. But any time you are stumped as I am now, here is a decent song to remind you of how you really feel.

[The joke’s on us all because I sure can’t remember which song is supposed to go here! Placeholder until the day I do remember. — Amandoll 2022]