Known for its gorgeous graphics, pleasing synth music, and Robert Stack, the strangely non-emotive host with a velvet voice, Unsolved Mysteries was a wildly popular show back in the day. It was a long-running series that featured several segments per episode, focusing on inexplicable disappearances, unresolved murder cases, missing heirs, and even the odd paranormal encounter. It would be a jarring shift when there would be talk of a brutal murder with the killer still out there and then the most boring haunted house story you’ll ever hear. Think of Sightings with a true crime twist. Imagine the iconic Robert Stack vs the muppet man that hosted Sightings. Visualize it.
I’m happy to report that it seems every single episode of UM is alive and well on YouTube — complete with updates when applicable! As a great sync-er of formerly televised entertainment with my internet companion, cchris, I have seen quite a few at this point and as usual, I have become disgruntled. In every single episode, it’s like a parade of befuddled police appearing to do the minimum effort during investigations. So many of them are like, “The primary suspect in this battered wife’s murder was the husband who was widely rumored to be abusive, possessive, had in fact had been arrested before for domestic violence. However, when questioned, he said he was asleep at the time. That knocked him right off our list. So now we ask you — can YOU solve this mystery?” According to the updates, a lot of people can solve those mysteries. The updates are always like, “within seven seconds we received twelve thousand calls and the suspect was arrested within twenty five minutes. He was put to death. [Robert Stack robotically micro-smiles].”
Maybe Unsolved Mysteries doesn’t actually report all the steps and is itself lacking in attention to detail that makes the cops look incompetent. Incoppitent. But if that’s so, maybe the police should have stopped being on that show at all? If they were being done dirty, they should have cut all ties! Therefore, I can only conclude that they all must have been clowns. LAZY clowns.
Anyway, I started thinking about crossovers of my favorite detectives of TV and cinema having their own special guest episodes, solving all of these so-called unsolvable mysteries. The idea of throwing capable, skilled detectives into the bewilderingly lazy police work showcased for us is refreshing to me. Inspiring, even. Inspiring fresh content which you see before you now! Let’s imagine together how some of my faves would tackle these “mysteries” that thwarted the real-life, adequately paid, career investigators.
Listen to this while you read the rest of my article. It’s called “immersive soundscaping,” honey.
Lieutenant Columbo (Columbo)
Episode Title: “The Most Obvious Murder”
Pared down to fit the 45 minute run time, the whodunnit beginning is cut out to make this more of a mystery than usual. Columbo immediately appears on screen in his scruffy trench coat at the crime scene where the local cops loaf around. They have already given up. He quickly figures out the extremely evident culprit, being exactly who you’d think it is, and spends the first bulk of the episode pretending to be a harmless goof, casually mentioning minor inconsistencies in their alibi. He’s not in a rush, because he knows he needs to bulk up the episode with filler.
Key Scene: After forty minutes of passive-aggressive pestering, Columbo turns to leave… only to stop, scratch his head, and say, “Oh, one more thing…” Then he obliterates the murderer’s alibi in thirty seconds with a series of small details they thought were insignificant. His sudden surprising intensity causes the suspect to immediately unravel.
Case solved in: The moment Columbo looks at the scant list of facts the police managed to find, but he had to make it look like it took 45 minutes in order to fill a whole episode.
Nick & Nora Charles (The Thin Man)
Episode Title: “The Yawn of the Thin Man”
While in a random small town in the American Midwest, Nick is reluctantly drawn into a case at the behest of Nora while they are experiencing a hiccup on their cross country trip via locomotive. The train has broken down and local authorities discover the presence of the famous Charleses drinking inside of the swankiest private car anyone has ever seen on a train. The local authorities seem to detect them faster than any relevant clue. Nick Charles, with a cigarette dangling from his lips and a cocktail in each hand, solves the entire case between sips, using nonchalant deduction and easy wit.
Key Scene: Nick and Nora arrange the grandest dinner party in the town’s history, inviting all of the key players of this crime: detectives, police chief, the mayor, and about six suspects to make it more interesting. While quipping over the ninth course out of fourteen, Nick casually drops that he already figured out who the killer is a while ago. Chaos and peril unfolds around the table, most inelegantly. The murderer eventually confesses because Nick is just that good and they’ve got to wrap this up — the train is repaired and ready to go!
Case solved in: About thirty minutes, which is how long it takes Nick Charles to drink two martinis. But they have to wait until dinner, which is well-timed to depart that godawful town in style.
Lt. Joe Kenda (Homicide Hunter)
Episode Title: “My, My, My… This is the Most Obvious Murder I’ve Ever Seen”
Okay, first of all I know that this isn’t a fictional character, but Lt. Joe Kenda looms so large in my mind that he’s reached mythical proportions. And as an aside, I was sure I had written about my sick addiction to this show years ago on Sneer Campaign, but apparently not! Anyway, that’s something I will correct later.
In this episode, the actor portraying Joe Kenda steps onto the scene, takes one look at the case file, and evenly states: “This is an easy one. Watch.” The rest of the episode alternates between scenes of the younger actor version of him asking questions in a clipped voice while chain smoking and segments of the real Joe Kenda makes hard eye contact with the camera while telling you how he easily solved the crime. Occasionally, the segment is just him silently looking the viewer in the eye, conveying disappointment at the embarrassing incompetence surrounding him — from both fellow law enforcement and the criminal.
Key Scene: “So, you’re telling me this guy who had a history of domestic violence, a motive, and was the last person seen with the victim was ruled out because ‘he said he was asleep’? Ridiculous. I arrested him five minutes ago. Case closed.”
Case solved in: Twenty-two minutes. Thirty if there’s an ad break. They fill in the remaining fifteen minutes by interspersing prolonged scenes of his silently disappointed direct eye contact.
Jessica Fletcher (Murder, She Wrote)
Episode Title: “Murder, She Solved Immediately”
Jessica rolls into a small town in the American South to visit one of her ten thousand distant nieces, nephews, or publishing associates. While there, an acquaintance or near-stranger has died under “mysterious circumstances.” The single sheriff of the town let the prime suspect go because he said he didn’t do it, and he’s otherwise such a great guy in good standing with the close knit community. Jessica Fletcher immediately charms her way into the investigation and quietly dismantles the suspect’s alibi with the power of listening to people talk. Sure, she steps on a few condescending men’s toes in the process, but she never backs down. She only makes that sweet Angela Lansbury smile. She sympathetically understands that their egos are hurt, but there is a murderer to put behind bars.
Key Scene: She offhandedly mentions something only the killer could know, baiting him into revealing too much. He nervously fumbles, and she gently says something like, “Oh, dear. That’s quite odd. Because I never mentioned the victim was found with a blue scarf…” Everyone assembled exchanges glances. The weight of failure causes the local sheriff’s shoulders to sink almost imperceptibly — but it’s there. Cue that jaunty orchestral piano music!
Case solved in: Under 48 hours because she had only booked one night at the adorable bed and breakfast in that sweet little town. Local police hate her.
