Halloween parties are mostly awful. It’s unfortunate, but it is basically how things work. The main cause for just about every shitty Halloween party is the fact that you have to invite your friends. Face it: your friends fuck everything up, even Halloween when given the opportunity. What should be a fun gathering of semi-drunk friends will almost always end up with someone vomiting on your cat, sexual harassment charges for the guy that tried to eat candy corn out of some girl’s bra, and unusually large amounts of property damage that no one wants to pay for. This isn’t even counting the amount of time it takes you to prepare the entire thing, which is more like carefully building the Jenga tower up just to watch it all fall down within three minutes. In the end, it’s just not worth it. Especially for a group of people that probably won’t remember it come morning anyway. So if this is what we can expect, why not at least be able to enjoy ourselves at the expense of these assholes anyway?

This is where we come in. Today we’ll give you all the advice you could ever want about how to host a Halloween party that will be just as much sadistic fun for you, as it is un-fun for everyone attending. After all, it’s your house. Why not be able to torture all that dare enter? Below you’ll find more than enough tips and tricks to make your Halloween party the most fun YOU’VE ever had at one. Just don’t expect anyone to talk to you for a while after. Hey, that’s another plus! So get to reading!

 

Supply The Worst Party Food

Everyone loves cute Halloween snacks, be it little brownies with ghosts on top, or cute Halloween-themed snacks. That’s not what we’re after though. Basically we want to make the act of eating as miserable for your guests as it is entertaining for you. So when your guests come in wearing elaborate costumes that they spent large amounts of money on and see a baked ham that hasn’t been pre-cut, you can be sure that you’ll get a joy-erection watching the guy dressed as a Transformer try in futility to cut out his own chunk. Don’t be afraid to go the extra mile and provide a giant bowl of spaghetti with only teaspoons to dip it out with as well. Drinks are optional, but if you do decide to serve them, serve water.

Bonus tip: Serve smaller snacks in cleaned out prescription pill bottles with the child-proof lid still intact. Then learn to enjoy the sound of quiet weeping.

 

Have Your Friend That Has No DJ Experience DJ Your Party

Every great party needs an awesome DJ. You are not having a great party, though, so you can afford to get anyone to do the job. Luckily for you, it is a law here in the US to have at least one half-retarded friend that thinks he is some sort of great DJ. Even though the closest thing they have ever done to deejaying was shouting “I’M A DJ” at some drunk girl in a club. Now is the time for his true talent to come out, as he will be perfect to mix your party jams into a jumbled cacophony of a mess for everyone to try and dance to. Watch in amazement as he effortlessly uses fifteen variations of Monster Mash in the first thirty minutes, making most of your guests escape into your yard for sanctuary. It only gets better as the night goes on after he has exhausted his “Spooky Jamz” CD he bought at the supermarket, and is forced to make ghost noises over a Beastie Boys CD. Then have your toenails curl with excitement as he vomits and passes out on your stereo for his grand finale.

Bonus points: Tell him one of the girls likes him, and watch as he actually somehow gets worse under “pussy pressure.”

 

All Of Your Decorations Should Be Annoying

Hate your friends? I know I do. And what better way to show them just how much you hate them at Halloween by filling your entire house with Vietnam-grade traps for all to enjoy. I’m sure you’ve seen those awful gag bowls that scream and holler when you get within ten feet of their already-spastic motion sensors. While most people would be content with just one of those, you want to go the extra mile and have no fewer than ten of them in your living room alone. Make sure that no area of the house can be entered without some shitty prop screaming bloody murder at the most basic of movement. Watch with glee as your friend makes the murder face as he stumbles over Conroy The Screaming Amputee for the eighth time. Have contempt for all humanity and love every minute as no one can begin to take a piss in your bathroom without a dozen shitty plastic decorations having simultaneous strokes all over the room, while screeching like a dying cat through a blown-out headphone speaker. This almost guarantees that by the end of your party, most people will have found small safe areas that they are afraid to move from, held prisoner by the watchful eye of your robot minions, until they are forced to run from your house in an effort to save their sanity. Good thing you didn’t tell them about the ones you hid outside.

Bonus points: Put a High-Five Skeleton Hand in the toilet bowl itself.

 

Force Themed Costumes

Sweet Jesus on a stick, I don’t know what makes people want to bludgeon themselves more than themed costume parties. Nothing will reduce a human to a pile of rage than the minute you tell him that all the costumes that people will wear to your party has to have a soy sauce theme. Watch as a primal grin threatens to split your face in half as your friends struggle with contempt at how to fashion costumes based on impossible themes such as:

• characters from a Ken Burns Documentary
• ramen dishes
• popes of the seventeenth century
• feces

Then, as you see them coming in, all dressed as one of your insidious choices, make snide comments on how they “could have used a bit more imagination.” If you are not stabbed by the end of the night, then congratulations. Everyone now hates you.

Bonus points: No matter what theme you choose, dress in whatever you want.

 

Come Up With The Worst Party Games Ever

Party games suck ass. They always have. And Halloween party games are just as bad. Who wants to try to grab an apple from your fat friend’s neck rolls? Or even worse, endure endless stupid trivia about Troll 2 on some awful board game? That is no fun. What WOULD be fun?

Chess.

Yes, Chess. The game of kings. Pulling your Chess board out in the middle of your party may be greeted with looks of drunken astonishment, but they’ll quickly turn to drunken sadness when you start explaining why the bishop can only move at an angle. If you feel that people’s attention is waning after the first few games, start offering vague threats such as:

“Well I guess this means everyone wants me to get the DJ back in here”

or:

“I’m going to probably kill myself tonight. I didn’t want to enjoy myself anyway.”

Bonus points: Play Chess on your PC monitor instead. By yourself.

 

Get Drunk And Throw Everyone Out At 9pm

Look, it’s been like an hour since everyone got there. You’ve had your fun watching everyone’s misery. but now it’s just getting sad. Especially since you’ve been drinking. Now if you were an awesome host, you would just roll with it. Making sure everyone is having a great time, and mostly just walking around like a drunken corpse maid.

Not this party.

You’ve had two Miller Lites, a chunk of ham, and are one second away from hitting on your sister who is crying in the corner after being molested in the bathroom by your skeleton high-five hand. It is now time to end this fucker. And what better way to do so than to have a violent drunken fit, and pushing everyone out the door as fast as possible? Fuck them. The Golden Girls marathon is about to start and you’ll be damned if another drunk guy dressed like ramen is going to stop you from enjoying that by yourself. The way Golden Girls was MEANT to be enjoyed. So herd those fuckers out of there as fast as possible, and tell them to never come back. And if they ask why, tell them you’re not this party’s bitch anymore.

Then throw the ham at them.

Three weeks later when you wake up from the spiraling depression of it all, you can at least realize that you probably threw the best damn Halloween party anyone will ever go to. And not so much because it was fun for them. Lord no. Mostly because no one will ever forget it. Your ex-friends will tell their friends. They’ll tell their friends. Eventually you’ll become the talk of Halloween party legend. That guy that actually expected people to play Chess, and then threw everyone out in a drunken rage. Hell, your family will even respect you after they get over the fact that you did eventually hit on your sister.

You’re the Halloween hero in the end.

Bonus points: Send out invitations early for next Halloween.